My Own Treasure Island

Dancing

2010-05-28T23:53:00.001-08:00

Dancing
Originally uploaded by candice_windom

One more of my cutie daughter. I love her so much!

Rockstar Fia

2010-05-28T23:47:00.001-08:00

Rockstar Fia
Originally uploaded by candice_windom

My cute daughter acting silly!

My Journey to Thirty

2010-04-25T14:14:00.005-08:00

"Well, Surprise Surprise Surprise!"
~Bruce Springsteen, Surprise, Surprise

I'm baaack! Hopefully, without fail this time. But let's not get our hopes up, ok? I mean, I'm gonna try, but I am the mom of two children between the ages of 3 and 4. Let's be real.

So the other day I had an epiphany, and since these are few and far between, I felt the need to do something about it and SHARE!

I was at the doctor's office getting checked out for a possible ear infection (and yep, it was, and in both ears no less!). I was sitting in the little exam room reading Marie Claire recipes and wondering how long it'd take me to have my house look like the ones in the articles (which, by the way, I summed up to: never), then my doc enters. The first thing he says to me is not "Hi, Candice.", or "Hello.", or even "So, I hear your ear hurts...". Nope. It was, "Let's talk about your weight."

GULP

This is not something a woman wants to hear. Ever. But especially when you already know there is an issue. Here's the scoop, I'm about to share something really embarrassing for myself. I mean, what woman in their right mind shares this sort of info publicly? Not many, I imagine. But I figure it might be cathartic. And it just might be the motivation I need.

A year ago I was talking with this same doctor regarding the subject of my weight. At that time I weighed the heaviest I'd EVER been. I was desperate and looking for options. I was discussing Lap Band surgery with him, and though the prospect of surgery scared me, I also felt I was at the end of my rope. My doc discussed the pros and cons with me. During the process he asked me to describe a normal days worth of caloric intake for him. First surprise? He suggested I raise the amount of calories I took in. Apparently, I was under eating...and as an overweight person, that was interesting to hear. More importantly, he wanted me to eat breakfast regularly. I am not a breakfast person. Give me a cup of coffee and I'm set. However, he didn't like that answer and suggested a healthy cereal or oatmeal with protein added to boot. He also asked about what I drink. I told him the truth: diet soda and coffee, with an occasional glass of water, juice or milk. The first thing he told me? DROP THE SODA! He was rather adamant, however, it was tough to swallow. I really like soda. He said I could hold on to the coffee, but he wanted the soda gone.

I left his office thinking, "Yeah right." And I went back to the normal routine almost immediately. It took a few days to process this new information. I knew I was the heaviest ever, I also knew I wanted to change, I just felt so overwhelmed by all of it. My first step was to cut back my soda intake. I did not quit. I merely went from 3 or 4 a day to maybe 1...or 2 if it was a rough day. I ate breakfast occasionally, but not often. And so the year progressed.

This leads me to last Monday, just after the GULP.

He asked what I'd been doing since our last talk about my diet. I was honest and told him not a whole damn lot. Surprise number 2: Apparently the small amount of cutbacks I'd made in the soda department and my slightly conscious effort to eat breakfast had resulted in a 27lb weight loss. I kinda just stared at him doe eyed.

"Really?" I asked him. I think he may have smiled, I wasn't really paying attention. I was still focusing on the news. He reiterated the importance of dropping the soda and eating a well balanced breakfast at least to start. He suggested that if I did just those two things I'd probably see at least another 27lbs this year. He also suggested that if I was still harboring feelings about surgery I should forget them for a while. He actually feels I have what it takes to do it myself.

For the record, I haven't seriously considered the surgery option since that day in the doc's office. Like I said before, it's a scary option.

I drove back to work with an ear antibiotics writ in my purse and an idea brewing in my head. Enter: Epiphany.

Literally, I am pushing the big 3-0. This October marks the beginning of my my third decade...oh geeze! So here it is. Plain and simple. I need to get healthy. Not just for myself, but my family. I can't continue to get heavier and heavier and eventually take myself out of the picture. Not only that, but I want to enjoy life! I'm tired of being too tired to do anything, I'm tired of not fitting into the clothes I wore last summer and I'm extremely tired of being the heaviest one in the room and seeing the proof in pictures.

The following day I finished the last Diet Coke in the fridge. I vowed to myself that this was it! I am also going to eat breakfast every day as I was told. Of course I plan to adjust my goals and, you know, work on the other stuff as it is needed. But for now I want to focus on something relatively easy.

As motivation, I plan to start a weekly blog post called, My Journey to Thirty. Every Sunday I will focus on my health goal as well as anything else pertaining to big change-over. Consider this the first installment.

As of today? Day 5 with no soda! Woot! To date I've also been successful in the breakfast department.

Until next week, I bid you good eats...lol ok, that was taken directly from the mouth of Alton Brown on the Food Network, but hey! It works.

Closet Organizers Suck

2009-10-04T14:02:00.000-08:00

Way too complicated for my head today. Information overload.

364 Days Til the Big 3-OH!

2009-10-01T12:40:00.009-08:00

Happy Birthday to Me! Happy Birthday to Me!

So I turned 29 today. Doesn't feel much different than 28 or 27 for that matter. Now there's just that impending 30th birthday to look forward to, which is rather ominous. But I can deal. They say 30's the new 20 right? Or something like that anyway.

Today's been off to a good start. Got up and did the normal routine (with no mention of a birthday I might add...sniff!) but when I got to work my cubicle had been decorated with streamers and balloons. That was nice.

Then I logged in to my email and there were messages from family, friends and co-workers. I think that in a 5 minute span of time I had over 35 emails come in. It just goes to show how popular I am. Of course.

Here's one from my sis:
Speaking of my sis...My sisters and I went to Seattle last weekend. Kind of in honor of my birthday, but really we just wanted to see Wicked at the Paramount and we decided to make it into a 2 day junket. We did a little bit of shopping. Little bit of eating and of course a little bit of drinking. Nothing too drastic. Just drinks with dinner (at Red Robin!) then before the show we stopped into a bar near the theater that was serving "Wicked-tinis" so we tried them. They were pretty good. I got to meet up with some great friends while I was there. If ONLY I could have spent a couple extra days, but alas I had to come home to my babies.

By the way? Wicked was....wicked! Wickedly awesome that is! I highly recommend it to you if you get the chance to see it. In honor of how totally cool it was, today's post is written in green. If you know the story, you'll understand. If you aren't familiar...get there! ASAP.

But back to the day at hand. I don't really know what the evening has in store for me. Tim is pretending not to care. "oh I totally forgot" he says in a faked shocked voice. So we'll see.

I did get flowers though! No. Not from Tim...that would have been too easy. From my good friend Rebecca. You remember her right? If not, read this. I love her for it, well I love her anyway. But... They were beautiful of course.

I have to get back to work folks. I know it's been a long time, and I'm aching to catch up too. But I should really be working. Once my internet is installed this weekend at the new place I PROMISE to write a blog-worthy post. What? I didn't tell you? We bought a condo! Surprise! More on that later. In the mean time, TA TA!

She Would Be 49 Today

2009-09-30T17:05:00.001-08:00

Happy Birthday Mom!

I miss her so much.

Nap Time

2009-09-26T01:52:00.000-08:00

She fell asleep in the car. Exactly like this. Isn't she funny? I love my goofy princess.

A Blustery Day in the Neighborhood

2009-08-25T14:17:00.002-08:00

I was on my lunch break this afternoon and I decided to just sit in my car and watch the wind and rain. It was kind of relaxing, if my phone would allow me to send recordings longer than 30 seconds I would have recorded a lot more. But I guess you get the point. I actually fell asleep in my car. Weird I know. I actually woke up when I heard someone's car door slam shut. Thankfully that happened or I would have kept right on sleeping!

Now, most of you know how much I hate winter. But I actually really like this time of year. Yeah, it gets a little rainy and blustery like today. I just like the crisp air and cool nights, I don't even mind the overcast skies. I usually don't start hating the weather until about December, possibly November. Depends on the snow load.

Until next time-keep on keepin' on!

LICD Beginnings....It's Hilarious!

2009-08-23T12:06:00.004-08:00

I'm sorry, I couldn't help it. I read LICD (Least I Could Do) daily. This comic updates every day, on each Sunday the artist goes back in time. The main character as a child is the premise of it, the rest of the week Rayne is the ladies man with a heart of gold...most of the time. I love it. This weeks' Sunday edition really cracked me up for some reason so I had to share it with you all.

Promise me you'll at least pay they guys over at Blind Ferret Entertainment a visit. K? Just a word to the wise, this comic has adult content about 98% of the time. No vulgar language, but the topics can be pretty offensive.

Miranda...oops! I mean Melinda

2009-08-22T23:31:00.001-08:00

I'm sitting up late and waiting for my laundry to get done. I've considered leaving it in the laundry room overnight and going to bed. But I've had my skivvies stolen (no joke!) on more than one occasion so I don't really feel like taking that risk tonight. For a funny true story about stolen underwear go here.

So here I am, googling aimlessly and checking my Facebook (add me!) every ten minutes. I'm on my ~~fourth~~ second cup of coffee (of course) and I am getting rather bored.

Tim's still up with me, he's sitting over there in the living room watching CNN. Naturally I've heard the same 3 stories now two or three times. You know how CNN is right? It's all on rotation. Currently I'm listening to one story that I am so sick of hearing about. You've probably already guessed, but that story I'm referring to is the Michael Jackson's death investigation story. Man. That Larry King is sure eating it up too. You'd think that Larry, being as old and (seemingly) distinguished as he is, would have better things to talk about. Like oh I don't know, the war in Iraq/Afghanistan?...maybe the 3 hikers being held in Iran or even the reality show murderer guy... at least Anderson Cooper talked about those stories right before this. But nope. Instead Larry, looking meticulously fastidious in his usual suspenders and colorful tie, is questioning some unheard of dude about one of Michael's many doctors that may or may not have had something to do with his death. ugh!

*stepping off my soap box*

Guess what I'm listening to? Apparently Third Eye Blind has a new album. Didn't know this until about 20 minutes ago. It's called Ursa Major, it's pretty good, as far as Third Eye Blind goes. I used to listen to them a lot, so this brings me back to my "college days". One thing is for sure, you can definitely tell who you're listening to. Stephan Jenkins has a distinctive voice, and Third Eye Blind in general has a pretty distinctive sound. The song Summer Town on Ursa Major, definitely has a beat that is reminiscent of Semi-Charmed Life. Which I don't really mind so much because that song rocks my socks! OK........

...crickets chirping...

I left for a moment but I am back. I've gone and found Semi-Charmed Life to rock out to. I can't sit here and talk about that song without hearing it! This song definitely strikes the memory nerve. When I moved to Seattle for school, I encountered many things for the first time. One thing that is odd, but I think is cool, is my first experience with REAL radio stations. Good ones compared to Juneau's offerings. I found a station that played top hits (of course) and I listened to that station a lot. This song was on a seriously heavy rotation at the time...

*cue the dream sequence*

In college I shared an apartment with two girls from Moses Lake, Washington. I wasn't arriving in Seattle until 2 days before orientation. But their parents were driving them in a week early to set up the apartment. (side note: AIS didn't really have dorms, they leased apartments around town. I got placed in some apartments about 20 minutes from the school. The funny part? My particular place happened to be one of about 15-20 apartments leased by AIS in a complex made up mostly of retirees and middle aged professionals. haha those poor old people) My two future roommates called me one day before I left Juneau to ask what things I'd be contributing to the new digs. My answer? pretty much nothing, I had a microwave. This didn't seem to upset them. Apparently their parents were providing the essentials.

Actual apartments people!! I googled them!

Now, I'm not sure you can tell from my previous history lessons on me. This information will be needed at a later point in the story so pay attention: I might have been what you would have called "preppy" or maybe even "girlie". My personal tastes at the time included the colors purple, pink, blue and white. So when I'd gone to Bed Bath & Beyond with my aunt to pick out my new bedroom supplies these are the colors I went with.

Finally the big day arrived and I walked into my very first apartment. I opened the door and met my new roommates. Melinda and Megan....and their parents....and their siblings...and their boyfriends. I only got a few moments to drop off my stuff in the entry way and then we ALL went out to dinner. (It's funny. Now knowing Seattle the way I do, it turns out that we couldn't have picked one further away. I didn't realize how absurd this was at the time, but we went to dinner about 40 minutes away...because we just drove until something looked good. It's a wonder we found our way back.)

After the families dropped us off and left for their hotel, I finally walk into my new place and get my the tour. They kindly let me have the second, smaller bedroom for myself. Being the best friends that they were, they decided to share the master bedroom with 2 beds in it. Awesome. Sort of. I really liked that I got my own room but for some reason my room had a weird wall. Let me explain: this wall wasn't really a wall, it was an accordion style door that ran the entire length of the wall against the living room. I am not really sure why this door existed but it did.

Speaking of the living room. As soon as entered it I got a taste of my new roomies' preferences. On the wall above the fireplace was what would be Halloween decorations in any other person's home. However we were a month away from said holiday, and just to clear things up? The plastic spider and web were still up when I left for Christmas vacay. Our couch was a chaise style (kinda cool actually) black and I think beige...but the actual color escapes me now. I was able to deal thankfully I didn't have to live with the rest of the decor that clued me into their "goth" style. Most of the skulls and other nonsense was in their room.

Megan dated a nice guy named Lloyd. He was kinda quiet like Megan, and compared to Melinda they hardly made a sound. She was loud and obnoxious (nice most of the time, but obnoxious). Melinda's boyfriend I never saw after the first night because he went back to Moses Lake.

I remember I'd begun to get settled in and Melinda apparently had a problem with my "perkiness" and the brightness of my belongings. I couldn't help but overhear her complaining to Megan outside of my open bedroom door (hard to miss, which I think was her point). "She's just so bright! I mean look at her room it's like rainbows and sunshine! blah blah blah!" haha it's kind of funny now but at the time I was offended. It wasn't like I was imposing my style on them (cough cough), it was all confined to my room. Thankfully, Megan felt the same way as me and told Melinda to cool off.

We got along fairly well, I don't want to decieve you with such a silly story. That was just one of my funny anecdotes about Melinda.

Megan wasn't my roommate for long. She got "sick" after breaking up with Lloyd and decided she missed Moses Lake. She dropped out and it was just me and Melinda. and.... Lloyd. Apparently in Moses Lake, it's OK to share your bff's bf. Because Melinda and Lloyd hooked up and he practically moved in. We didn't get a new roommate since we were still only about 2 or 3 weeks into school and no one new was enrolling at that point.

Which leads me to story number 2:

I began to get comfy in my surroundings. Lloyd, as I mentioned, was thuper nice. He always made a point to include me in what ever. I'm not sure Melinda appreciated that. Lloyd hung out a lot and the two of us would play Nintendo together while Melinda was at work or even if she was there. I usually tried to give them some space....

So one evening I was playing video games with him and we were having friendly conversation when Melinda came home. I decided to leave them alone and head off to my room. He told me there was no reason to leave, but I never liked the whole "third wheel" feeling, so I declined. A few moments later I was lying in my bed about to put my headphones on when I hear the two of them talking. I missed the first part of the conversation, but came in somewhere around Lloyd saying "she's not so bad"....silence....and then Melinda shrieking/laughing "You like her don't you?!?!" followed by a hissing shh sound. Lloyd didn't appear to like her ~~tormenting~~ teasing him about this considering the short proximity (remember, weird wall/door folks?). This convo piqued my interest so I perked up, but alas, her shriek had all but ended it. All I heard after that was "you do don't you?" and "shut up".

Just to make another thing clear, she was teasing him because she found this hilarious. She wasn't threatened, or at least didn't sound it at that moment...

Alas, my friendship/roomateship with Melinda ended not too long after that. I went home in December for winter break and came home to a new girl, Andrea. I walked into my apartment to find that Andrea was moving my things into the big bedroom, in fact she was just about finished when I walked in. She appeared normal in the looks department, and it didn't look like I'd be hearing any complaints about my color choices... however, the bitch was touching my stuff! I asked her what was going on, and where Melinda was.

Apparently Melinda dropped out over break, and being the beginning of a new semester the school was moving her in. Andrea had actually moved in over the break as Melinda was moving out. Maybe as one last dig at me (or maybe she was jealous after all!) Melinda told Andrea I'd wanted the big room all along so to go ahead and move my stuff.

Really I didn't mind too much. I got over the initial shock of it all, and it didn't look like we'd be getting a third roommate so I got the big room to myself (whew!). Plus I was actually excited to meet her because she seemed more like me.

Little did I know that I'd soon really miss Melinda...

But that my friends is a whole other story.

*side note*

About 4 years ago I walked into Pagliacci Pizza on Mercer Ave in Seattle. I was pushing my baby boy in his stroller, he must have been just a couple months old at the time. I walk up to pay for my order, and who should be the cashier??? MELINDA! Of course, I couldn't quite remember her name (I called her Miranda...oops!) in fact I started typing Miranda several times in this post before I realized my mistake. haha. She recognized me, but couldn't recall my name, so I reminded her. She actually came over to my table shortly after. We caught up for a minute or two. Turns out after she'd dropped out she'd never gone home to Moses Lake. She got married to someone a few years before our encounter and she also had one or two kids. And yes, I asked whatever happened to Lloyd (I couldn't resist!)...she looked at me weirdly "Lloyd? Wow I haven't thought about him in years!" She didn't know what had become of him.

*end side note*

I mentioned to Tim earlier that it is sad I have no pictures to document this short time in my life. I moved to Seattle in early October and was gone by the following February. And even though this was a rough period in my life emotionally, I still have some fond memories. I didn't make life long friends with my first roommates, but I will always remember them. I have only one picture of my dear roomie Melinda. It is her senior picture that for some reason she felt the need to give to me shortly after we'd met. Sorry folks, outta respect for her I won't post it. Since I don't speak with her I can't get her permission. Too bad for you, cuz it's a doozy!

Night y'all!

On Feb 12 You Can Find Me In A Movie Theater

2009-08-22T22:47:00.004-08:00

Sorry to post another video, but this movie looks amazing! I'm a fan of classic monster movies, ie: The Blob, Dracula, The Wolfman, The Invisible Man, The Mummy, The Creature From the Black Lagoon, and the list could go on. Usually I find remakes are not worth watching, I knew that The Blob remake would be terrible. And by remake I mean the second remake in 2007, not the first one from 1988. I was right of course. However, this trailer makes the new version of The Wolfman look interesting, and it's hard to pass up it's scintillating line up (who can resist Benicio Del Toro??). I will at least watch it and judge for myself. Check it out and come to your own conclusions:

I Love Christina

2009-08-18T23:02:00.002-08:00

And here's why:

Christina Aguilera - New Music - More Music Videos

My list of totally unrelated topics that I happen to love at the moment

2009-08-13T22:46:00.018-08:00

I feel like listing everything that I'm totally feeling (ie: into. digging. want to cover in kisses) these days. For whatever reason, I'm not really feeling up to the seriousness of a meatier topic. Bare (or is it bear? eh. evs) with me all you carnivores, those posts that you used to savor will return! You have my word!

Without further adieu, I present to you MY LIST of totally unrelated topics that I happen to love at the moment:

1. OK, apparently lists are something I can't get enough of. My last post was a list. This is a list. I've been known to make a list or two. Could there be more in the future? Stay tuned!

2. Is it weird that I am totally infatuated with Kim Kardashian and her sisters Kourtney and Kloe? I can't help it! Their just so gosh darn pretty (aw shucks!). I am obsessed with Keeping Up With the Kardashians (for you slow pokes, that is their reality show on E!), I've seen just about every episode and I am now patiently waiting for the new season to start. Not only that, but Kourtney and Kloe Take Miami also premieres soon! woot woot! Double the Kardashian silliness!

Today I was ~~looking at the gossip websites~~ working diligently and I came across the fact that Kourt is preggers! Didn't know this, but apparently she is about five months. So that will add some fun drama and extra craziness! Looking forward to it!

um also, I totally love Kimmy's (yes. I like to refer to her as if I personally know her. You got a problem?) blond hair! That's the hotness! meow! (over compensating for my jealousy)
3. Beyonce's HALO. Love that song. Can't get enough of it. Well. That's not entirely true. I play it on repeat ~~about 100~~ a few times and then I have to change it...you get what I'm telling you son!?!

4. Tiger Week. (see previous post or go VISIT MAXIE after you're done here of course) Damn cuddly ass tigers and their obvious bad assery!

5. My Timmy Tim Tim. He's just so gosh darn cute. Right now he's playing his gey-tar and that makes him kinda sexy too. Have you heard his music yet? No? Well WTF are you waiting for? Get the hell outta here and go listen to his MySpace page! The linky is up in the top left of my pagey-poo. Oh. wait. don't go. I'm sorry if I was rude. I just get so worked up over these things, I didn't mean to yell. I promise.

6. Coffee! Late night coffee is great!!! Well it's great anytime...But that's not really a surprise now is it? I'm drinking it right now if you must know. Got the hazelnut creamer in it. Want some? Too bad, I drank it all.

7. Really digging this whole blogging scene. Meeting new bloggers and reading what they have to say. or. not to say. It really depends on the person.

8. Ice Cream. Not just any ice cream but MINTCHOCOLATECHIP!! Is there any other? Tim's been on the same kick as me. We've gone through like 3 tubs in the last 2 weeks. Now that is cray-zay!

oh hello 10 pounds! where'd you come from? I'd like you to meet the other 40 I gained in the last 3 years. (hey! don't judge. I have 2 kids dammit)

9. Friends re-runs. I love this show (Chandler's such a cutie puh-toot-ie) and after it ended I went for a few years without watching it. Recently I came across an episode (you know the one with the chick and the duck? classic) and I've been hooked on them. again. ever since. I really need to pick these up on dvd.

10. Kung Pao Chicken. Only the best Chinese dish ever. There's a place in town that makes an awesome version of it... trust me, I know better than to eat this all the time. But a girl can dream can't she? I happened to eat it for lunch today with one of the cuz's. I'd been wanting it for weeks! finally I succumbed to temptation.

11. Princess tails. My daughter's version of pig tails or pony tails. Her hair is getting long and plum ripe for the tails. Only problem is she wasn't having any of it...until mommy got crafty and called them by her alltimefavorite name (princess. duh.). Now she wears them with no fussing/tearing them out by the root. And she looks so gosh darn cute in them. See? (look down)
12. Alvin and the Chipmunks. There I said it. My kids have played the damn cd incessantly until the cover of Livin' on a Prayer is burned in my brain!

Now it is just plain adorable to hear my little tots sing along to the 'munks version of Journey's Don't Stop Believing. They're counting the days til the Chipmunks Squeakual I might add. *squeeze*

13. ANYTHING cooking and/or food related. (are you surprised? no? me either) My personal faves? Chopped, Iron Chef America, Throwdown With Bobby Flay, The Next Food Network Star (over. BTW.), 30 Minute Meals, Unwrapped, and Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives....just to name a few.
Can I make it to fifteen?? We'll see!

14. Facebook and more specifically. the Sorority Life app on FB (GD to H-E-double hockey sticks...I need a life!!). What is it about social networking sites that draw me in? And I normally hate. HATE! adding apps to my shiz-nit. But the Sorority Life is so flippin' addictive and I can't help myself. I need help. Follow me on Facebook? Please? Go there. Now. or later. whichever. it's up to you, I'm not forcing it. BTW you can click on my face over there up and to the right---> just in case you needed assistance in finding me.

I am proud to say that I have YET to sign up for Twitter. *no applause necessary* thank-yooou.

15. The FUTURE! I've been obsessed over a number of things future related lately. No details yet. But things are totally looking up in a number of areas. Go ME! Trust me, you'll hear about them when the time is right.

16. Colored eyeliner. Specifically violet and blue. I think the violet suits me better, but the blue is kinda ~~tacky~~ funky. Me likey.

YEEESSSSS! I made it past the glorious fifteen!!! woooooo hooooooo! 16. I so rock. So did this captivate you long enough? No? Well I believe I gave you numerous options to look into. So go do those things now, okay?

LOVE YOU all.
And I really have no idea why I uncapped the word "all" but now that I've mentioned it, I'll leave it that way. OK? OK. *waves*

Good bye.

See ya!

Get outta here!

Oh! PS. Maybe I'll make a list about things I totally AM NOT digging on soon. We'll see. Or maybe I'll get started on that meat... To meat or not to meat...? You tell me. Please weigh in on your opinions. I live to entertain YOU. *hugs*

Tigers 10, Sharks 0

2009-08-11T15:06:00.029-08:00

What I am going to love most about this post is the fact that random people will stumble upon it and say "WTF??"

The top ten list that proves Tigers are better than Sharks is as follows:

10. The Tiger is chosen as mascot 100x (no joke!!) over the shark. The list is so long that I will not repeat it, but wikipedia does a nice job for me. Google says the shark has one. Just one. The San Jose Sharks. It's an NHL team. Go figure.
9. While much is unknown about the mating habits of sharks, there is some information regarding the rituals of the tiger shark (what a co-inki-dink!). Wikipedia says: "The male uses its teeth to hold the female still during the procedure, often causing the female considerable discomfort." ouch!

Whereas the mating gestures of a Tiger are much gentler. Tigers have been known to use different positions as well as experiment with location, OK experiment is a stretch... but! Tigers have been known to do it anywhere the mood strikes, whether in a tree or on a rock or behind the bush... Both genders actually vocalize (moans and roars) during mating, in fact it's been documented that a female has roared 69 times in less than 15 minutes.

Now you tell me, which sounds like more fun? Sounds like a night at my place... what?

8. Sharks have gills. Gills are ugly. Tigers have a cute breathing apparatus called a nose.

7. Tigers have the ability to look scary or as cute as a button whenever they feel like it. Sharks on the other hand always look scary. See? Nothing cuddly about the guy on the left. He's butt-ugly!

6. In the 1983 film Scarface, the protagonist, Tony Montana, aspires to obtaining all the exterior trappings of the American Dream, which in the character's opinion included keeping a pet tiger on his property. Did he want a shark? Hells to the no!

5. Tigger, Hobbes (Calvin and Hobbes), and Tony the Tiger ... nuf said. Umm sharks, well, all I could find was Sherman from Sherman's Lagoon.

4. Can you think of any famous people, let alone normal people, with the name Shark? I didn't think so. Boo-ya!

3. Tiger cubs are totally dependent on their mommas until about 18 months of age. Baby sharks are on their own from day one. Tigers know that mommy knows best! Leave it to the shark to abandon their babies...sheesh!

2. Tigers are open minded and don't discriminate. They'll cross breed with other big cats. Ever heard of a Liger or Tigon? Gotta give props to the Tiger for lovin' on the Lions cuz these big buggers are cute!

(also, and this could be it's own spot on the list however, I don't want people to think I'm weird cuz I focus too much on Tiger sexual habits. But Tigers are known to masturbate and females can have orgasms by themselves!! I mean come on right?!? Speaking from experience...that's just awesome.)

And last but not least, the number ONE reason the Tiger rocks over a shark:

1. You can't cuddle with a shark. You can try, but I wouldn't recommend it. Yeah sure, Tigers aren't always friendly towards man...but they have been known to be kept as pets. So there is potential.

Ok, if you really MUST know WTF this was all about. Go say hi to Maxie and check out Tiger Week. You can learn a whole bunch of reasons why Tigers deserve more love than Sharks.
DOOO IT!!!!

And remember: "He who rides a tiger is afraid to dismount." ~Ancient Chinese Proverb

The Break Room (another TAT adventure)

2009-08-10T22:33:00.014-08:00

Keeping in tune with my last Totally Awkward Tuesday post I am going to talk to you about another awkward moment from my days at the movie theater. Today is a two-for you lucky ducks you! I've decided that since I have TWO fantastical moments pertaining to the same room (read on, I'll get to explaining soon), I will go ahead and share them both with you today. This is actually more for me. I'd like to spare myself the agony of rehashing old memories that quite frankly, aren't looked upon fondly (I say that, but really, they do make me chuckle...now).

As you know, well you WOULD know if you read my blog regularly. ahem.

As I was saying, as you know I worked at one of Juneau's two movie theaters. From about the age of 15 until I was 18 (with a brief stint at 19 when I came home from college, but I digress. I do that often in case you haven't noticed.).

I started out working at the theater in the concession stand. Later I was promoted to usher duties and then I got to work the coveted box office. These were not monetary promotions, the only raise I got was in my pride. We hated working in concession, for obvious reasons (the smell of popcorn was permanently scorched into my nostrils, for one).

My first supervisor (I won't name names. You never know who'll come across this blog!) was rather creepy, OK maybe creepy isn't very nice. Well, yeah, creepy. There's no mincing words here. I'll explain: He was a dork, to put it bluntly. He was tall and lanky, had big square framed glasses and held his too tight black jeans up with big belt buckles while tucking in whatever polo shirt he was wearing for the day. On top of that his jeans were tapered...ew. He was older, maybe in his late 20s or early 30s. Think: D&D, Magic and trench coats. This supervisor tried desperately to fit in with his employees which only served to drive him further away from us.

To make a weird situation worse, he appeared to have a crush on each of the girls at one point in time. So occasionally we'd catch him staring. Once while I was washing the nacho cheese cooker in the back he rubbed up a little to close for my personal comfort as he passed behind me to get by. *shudder*

Eventually he was transferred out to the larger theater in the valley (we all had a huge sigh of relief!) and my buddy Sky became the new supe.

*Side note* I hear he married one of his employees from the valley theater. She is a girl I went to high school with. No joke!

None of us actually came into work already dressed for work. The uniform was black pants, button up white shirt and a maroon vest (later they added bow ties, THANK GOODNESS that was after I was outta there!). Most of my cohorts were like me, we kept our uniforms in our lockers upstairs in the break room and brought them home every couple days for a washing. We would lock the door and change there.

The break room was dingy and at the top of the stairs right next to the entrance of the 2nd story theater. The door to the break room had those hinges that automatically swing shut behind you, so if we weren't careful the door would slam loudly behind us (we were constantly being told never to forget this while a movie was showing in the upstairs theater, apparently movie goers found the loud BANG disturbing). The room consisted of decades old recliners, a wall of small lockers and an old desk. The walls were lined with old movie posters and the carpet hadn't been changed since the 1960s (my guess, but really it could have been longer). At one end of the room was the "cup room." A door that usually stayed locked until we needed to get more cups for the concession stand.

It was in this room that my two stories take place.

Awkward Story Number One:
I bounded up the stairs in my usual happy-go-lucky way. It was a great day to be alive, I was 15 and it was summer time. The fact that I had a crush on one of my co-workers made me LOVE coming to work, well at least on the days we worked together. Today was one of those days and I was on top of the world. I was humming some song to myself as I let myself into the break room. As usual I locked the door behind me and walked to my locker. I noticed the cup room door was open but didn't think anything of it because we'd been doing monthly inventory the night before.
I pulled out the usual pieces of clothing needed for a night on the job and tore off the summer frock I had on. I proceeded to sing to myself (it was roughly 1995, I'm guessing it was either a Salt N Peppa tune or maybe Boyz II Men, I really dunno, this is purely speculation at this point). I got dressed and headed back downstairs to flirt with my crush before the shift started.
I had just arrived at the bottom of the stairs when I realized I needed to talk to my supervisor about a shift swap but no one knew where he was. Oh well, I'll talk to him later I thought to myself. About 30 seconds later we hear the break room door slam shut and said supe starts walking down the stairs carrying a stack of....cups.
Wait wuh?
That's when it hit me. Crap! I'd just gotten dressed while creepy guy here was in the next room with the door wide open! He never admitted that he saw me. But I swear later on that night I heard him humming the same tune I'd been singing to myself earlier.

OK, so that was more "freaky deeky" than awkward. But my face was burning as my coworkers figured it out for themselves what had happened.

Awkward Story Number Two:
I had just opened the door to the break room to get dressed for my shift. When, what to my wondering eyes should appear, a moon of a guy which was really his rear!
"Holy crap!! Get outta here!" Is along the lines of what I heard.
It took only seconds to realize I'd walked in on my coworker (Dumb, from my previous TAT post. Look it up.) getting dressed. He had his pants down around his ankles and as he screamed (like a girl I might add) he yanked them back up.
I quickly made haste and retreated to the safety of the hallway. Shutting the door tightly behind me as I quickly burst into a fit of laughter.
Of course it was slightly embarrassing to walk in on him that way, but I was no where near as embarrASSed (couldn't resist) as he was at that moment. Being the teenager I was, I quickly ran down to share with my coworkers the f*n funny moment I'd just witnessed.
The one thing none of us could figure out was why did he have his underwear down too? Did he change those with each shift, or was there another reason? We decided we didn't need to know.

I've just decided that the latter of these two stories makes up for Dumb calling me Wrecking Ball. He got his in the end. hehe

I totally want a gnome like this!

My pal over at Secret Life of Tova Darling talked about one of her awkward school girl crushes this time, it's a hoot so you should check her out! If you would like to partake in this weeks installment of Totally Awkward Tuesday, leave me a comment with a link back to your post. I'll put it at the bottom of this one so everyone can see!

Until next time. Peace out yo!

Flowers and sleep

2009-08-07T22:52:00.001-08:00

My baby picked me flowers...and then fell asleep holding them. Ain't he sweet? *squeeze*

She Really Was The Glue

2009-07-31T22:39:00.005-08:00

Where to start? There's a plethora of news to share. Well, news isn't quite the word I'm going for. But information. Things are changing. A storm...is brewing...or something mysterious like that.

First things first. *sips my coffee* How are things? It's been a while, this I know. I really don't have an excuse other than the norm. I'm busy, I'm lazy, well I'm a lot of things and diligent isn't one of them. Sorry 'bout that.

Let me bring you up to speed on things. I have been increasingly unhappy with my current place of employment. I actually quite enjoy my job, or at least I enjoy learning about the industry. My job title is Loan Closer/Processor II, the actual duties of my job are quite mundane. I basically accept loan applications, process them (gather info and run the background/credit check) before sending them to a loan officer for approval/denial. Once an approved app comes back, I create the legal docs and docs for recording etc. Send them to the borrower for their signatures, about 90% of my clients are not in Juneau, I deal with rural Alaska and so their loans are processed via mail. I do a few other tedious tasks throughout the month, but that is the gist of it.

On top of the boring aspect I work in an office of workaholics. My boss and the woman that has seniority over me in my section rarely miss a day of work. My boss will take the occasional mental health day, but the co-worker does not. She got married last year and didn't even take a whole day, just a half day. I mean come on! Oh but her cat died a few months ago and she took two days off... go figure.

Neither of them have kids like I do, in fact they've expressed dislike for children in general. I've heard on more than one occasion: "and that is why I don't have kids" add a seriously disrespectful tone and you've got one offended mother (that'd be me). Due to my children and my own health (among other unforeseen circumstances) I have missed work here and there. Nothing too horrible, but I hate the feeling of missing just one day and coming back to the silent treatment. I'm sorry, but I refuse to sacrifice my own health or the health of ALL my coworkers (like some people. ahem.). I absolutely get so irritated when my above mentioned co-worker comes to work with bronchitis or flu symptoms or other things that she frequently does. This is why we have 5 weeks of leave per year people! jeez.

OK so I'm not a workaholic, that is clear. The other thing that bugs me in the office is the buddy buddy nature of the two people I previously mentioned. My boss and my co-worker. They chat constantly about everything. Not only that, I've learned things about my other co-worker that I shouldn't be aware of. These are things that should be kept between him and our supervisor. But our supervisor shares these details with the other girl who then proceeds to try and gossip about him with me! I put my foot down about this recently and she stopped for a while. But that doesn't mean they have stopped. And it makes me wonder what gets said about me behind my back.

The catty nature of the office is enough to make me miserable. Add in the other few things and I'm downright irritable these days. I finally bit the bullet and looked at other state jobs online last Monday. Turns out there was this one job I am super qualified for and I'll make a tad bit more than I do now, plus there's travel involved which seems exciting. Not to mention I would actually have interaction with the clients! I think that is what I've been missing, I spent soooo many years in customer service that this job was a drastic change. The application period happened to close that same day, so instead of taking time to think about what I was doing...I did it. Now I'm just waiting to hear about an interview. My sources say I am a shoe in, that this department has been waiting for someone like me for a while now.

So we'll see.

On top of all that, I felt a bit unsure about looking for work right now. The reason being is that Tim and I have been considering relocating back to Seattle. It's going to take quite a bit of planning. My worry is that I apply for this job and get it...then we decide "ok! let's do it!" about the move...then I'm leaving the new job high and dry. We have good jobs and family (and a potentially better job in the works!). I really want to be back in Seattle, but at the same time I'm realistic. So even though we want it, well it's on the back burner for now...

Just to push the dream of Seattle a little further down the road we've decided to put an offer on a condo. Tomorrow. Tim's idea is we'll buy this condo and stay in it for a short time building equity while we continue to save for our move then when we sell the condo for what we buy it for, we'll have a bit of moolah for a down payment on the RIGHT place. The problem I keep bringing up is that I want to move like yesterday! lol. Buying a place means at LEAST another year here and realisticly? Probably more. In order to build enough equity, we'd need to stay a substantial amount of time. You know how it goes. I mean we won't be in it forever, the main reason being it's a condo the size of our current apartment. And it's only two bedrooms. We will eventually need to migrate to something with three cuz the kids will be needing their own space one day. So conceivably we could be back in Seattle in about 4-5 years with a pocket full of cash from our sold condo and be prepared to buy the house of our dreams...

You tell me, what do you think of this plan? Yah I know, on paper it seems good. Sounds great! But I miss the friends I have in Seattle, I'm pretty lonely here save for Tim, the kids and some family. I rarely see anyone these days unless it's a holiday.

It's sad but everyone seems to be going their own way these days. My sisters both talk of leaving town like I do and have their own lives. I see them occassionally and talk to them via email mostly because we're too busy to see eachother in person. The aunts keep to themselves with their own families and friends seeing us on certain occasions. And they've all hinted at future endeavors outside of Juneau. It's like when my mom died, so did the rest of the family, or at least the the family time. It's been said before, and now I say it too...she was the glue that held this family together. There are no more game nights, rarely do we get together for birthdays (ok well maybe we do lunch for those), less phone calls...everything just seems so. broken.

I keep waiting for something to change but part of me has been thinking that all these things I talked about are signs from my mom telling me to stay in Juneau for a while. She loved it here. She loved the family. The current state of affairs would probably have her in pieces.

It's a lot like this printer on my desk. I got it from my mom's house when she died. Every once in a while (when it's turned off) it makes a sound like it's trying to start up or do...something. It clicks to life for a few seconds and then it's as if nothing happened. Tim and I joke that it's my mom's spirit trying to come out of her printer to tell us something.

See? Maybe there is such a thing as a sign.

Tell me what you think. Do you believe in signs? Or are you a realist like Tim? He doesn't believe in signs. :)

Nighty Night!

Totally Awkward Tuesday

2009-07-20T23:33:00.008-08:00

"The rate at which a person can mature is directly proportional to the
embarrassment he can tolerate."
Douglas Engelbart

Well I've decided to give this another go. For once I actually managed to read Tova's (The Secret Life of Tova Darling) post in the early part of Tuesday rather than at night. This actually gives me the opportunity to reciprocate early and give my loyal viewers the chance to tell us their awkward moments before Wednesday.

Let's get right to it shall we?

I used to work at a movie theater. I was in high school when I obtained this job, so for this story I was probably 15 or so. The theater used to have a video store attached to it that was owned by the same company and had an entrance from the foyer of the theater so that movie goers could pop in and rent a film after spending $7.50 (this was back before it cost your first born to attend an evening show) on a movie? I never understood the need for that entrance. But any-who...

Just after you entered the video store from the theater there was a step down. Just one step. Not two, or three. One. And being a video store, the walls were lined with VHS tapes (I told you it was a long time ago!). If you were to stand at the cash register (what would be known as the box office in a larger theater...haha) you'd have a clear view into the video store and could see the counter where people paid for their rentals.

I befriended Sky, the girl who worked behind the counter in the video store, and I used to go in and visit her once the movies had started and there was a lull in business. I also worked with a couple of typical teenage boys that liked to tease the rest of the girls. I don't remember the two boy's names in question, so let's call them Dumb and Dumber, purely for my own amusement.

Now that you have the back story, I'll set the scene:

I came out of the concession stand smelling of stale popcorn and greasy nacho cheese. My uniform was splattered with what appeared to be the remnants of a slush puppy...but I wasn't going to confirm that as fact.

I headed past the cash register where Dumb was standing. Dumber was in the video store chatting away with Sky.

Dumb and Dumber proceeded to pick on me for something, not really sure what at this moment, but it doesn't change the outcome of the story.

As I was walking into the video store I turned my attention to Dumb to deliver my snappy comeback. The thing is that I forgot there was that step. That stupid step. And in mid comeback I toppled into the wall of outdated and overpriced videos, causing most of the horror section to fall to the ground.

Dumb and Dumber (and probably even my dear friend Sky) started laughing, I probably would have done the same if I'd witnessed the same unfortunate situation.

Then it got real embarrassing. As I bent over to pick up the fallen films, my butt hit the shelf of videos behind me that were in the center of the tiny store causing more to fall to the floor. This was followed by more raucous laughter while Dumb and Dumber proceeded to compare me to construction equipment. This was so hilarious to them that from that moment until the day they quit their minimum wage jobs, I was known by these two as Wrecking Ball.

Ok, once you're done laughing or maybe just groaning in horror...Remember, if you write about one of your awkward moments, come back with a link to your post so we can tell the world about it!! I revel in knowing that I am not the only one with embarassing and awkward moments. I'll post your link below for all to see.

Yay! for Sun!

2009-07-13T14:46:00.001-08:00

I can't believe this weather!

This 'n' That But Not Much Else

2009-07-10T23:22:00.010-08:00

Howdy folks! Wow I'm so sorry about the time lapse. It has been so sunny and gorgeous outside here in Juneau that I just haven't had the motivation to think up something creative.

It's still sunny out, well not right now because it's 11:24pm, but it is still darn warm. It's been more than a week with consistent temperatures in the high 70s and low 80s. And just for the record, I still haven't come up with something creative!

On Tuesday I played hooky from work and Tim had the day off so we took the kids over to Twin Lakes for some swimming. It felt so great and I didn't even go all the way in! Tim took a dive into the water and the kids sat in it, but I only went up to my thighs cuz I didn't want to take off my shorts to reveal a swimsuit. Eeyuck! You don't want to see that! lol

After some swimming we went to Costco for some smoothies because let's face it, Costco has pretty good smoothies for less than $2 and there's a ton in the cup! We''re in an economic crisis here people!

Other than the couple hours we took the kids out that day, we haven't done anything real exciting.

Let me get you up to speed since it's been like 3 weeks since we've talked....

1. Found a new day care for the kiddos, they seem to really like it and they like having other children their age to play with. I'm still crossing my fingers that we made the right decision.

2. The fourth of July:

We took the kids to the fireworks on the 3rd (yes. Juneau rolls like that). This was a mistake cuz they don't start til midnight and we had a real cranky young man the next morning.

On the 4th was the parade downtown. However, since my son was cranky enough to punch me, he stayed home with his daddy while I took Fia to the parade. That right there was pretty odd. I didn't like the feeling of leaving some of the fam behind. I guess he shaped up after we left, so we all went to the beach after the parade to attempt swimming. But the tide wasn't out far enough and the beach we chose is really rocky and covered in barnacles/seaweed which is slippery and sharp! So no swimming. The kids were sad, but they got over it. haha I'm so mean.

hmm let's see.

3. Reagan has continued to be aggressive and surly. No real news there, just more of the same.

4. Sofia is SOOO close to being potty trained. I can't tell you how excited I am to get rid of diapers! Not too much longer for that wish to come true. Yay!

5. Um, did I mention the sun? Yah, it's super sunny everyday and warm! Actually, I could go for just one day of rain as a reprieve. Then we can get back to the summer weather. I'd be good with one cloudy/rainy day a week just to break up the heat a bit. Also, I got a sunburn...it's faded now, but I looked like a lobster from the chest up.

6. Had our last Relay for Life team meeting on Wednesday this week. Well it's the last before the actual Relay. I can't believe it's next week! Ack, seriously slacking on the fundraising. As a team we've raised a bit more than $1500, but personally I've only raised maybe $30 on my own. I need to get crack-a-lackin!

7. Tim and I have talked and talked about where our lives are going. I really want to move back to Seattle some time in the next year, but Tim seems to want to stay here. We're working on it.

8. I was talking with my co-workers today that it's already mid July! Crap, it's almost fall, which means it's almost the holidays...ok that's a stretch, but fo' realz yo, it's coming up fast!

9. I've been reading the blogs of all my pals via my mobile phone. I can access google reader on the go! Yippee! So even when I'm out playing or waiting in the car while Tim runs into a store I can keep up with all the happenings without actually turning on the computer... I think this may be a partial contributor to my laziness when it comes to blogging.

10. How could I forget? My favorite artist/entertainer/musician MJ passed away. Luckily I got to check out the televised memorial (and cry my eyes out) on the day I played hooky...hehe. That wasn't planned, but it worked out well for me. I am still saddened by the loss, and I am really getting tired of the media coverage, let the man rest in peace. It's sickening really. Whatever the cause of death was doesn't matter to the world that loved him. Let the family deal with it and focus on the sweet children he left behind. Poor kids.

Ok. I'm done on that rant...sorry I digress.

11. Lastly, I'm applying for a second job. Actually I have an interview Monday. In some serious need for extra cash due to new child care being more than double what we used to pay, and I have bill collector's breathing down my neck. So for now it looks like I'll be picking up a couple extra shifts somewhere soon. Very soon. Well, hopefully.

So I think that now you may be all caught up in my life. This is thrilling stuff I know. Can't contain yourself? Tell me about it. Please! I'm longing for some exciting comments. Also just to keep you from being bored, here's a list of some of my fave blogs, check 'em out for me, tell them I said "hi":

Angie at A Book A Day (witty, funny and great book reviews! This crazy chica actually finds the time to do just what the title implies...she reads a book a day...)
MyLittleBecky at I'll Go Eat Worms (hilarious, check out her out..she cracks me up!)
Maxie at I Hate So Much.. (Check out her Too Much Information Thursdays! It'll make you crap your pants...ahem. figuratively speaking of course)
A shout out to my sis, she doesn't keep up on her blog (she's slower than me!) but she always comes up with something witty, clever and funny! Oh You Pretty Thing....
And of course, I've told you about Tova at The Secret Life of Tova Darling, she's still awesome.

Not sure if some of the other peeps in my fam dam want the recognition or not, but I enjoy their posts too. For more interesting people (that must be cool, cuz I read them!) check out the list up and to your right. ------->

Peace out my homies! I'm in a silly mood and need to get off this thing before my eyes pop out of their sockets! I leave you with something to make you laugh (trust me, this wasn't the worst shot, but I'm not going to humiliate myself for the sake of a laugh)...

Totally Awkward Tuesday!

2009-06-23T21:23:00.003-08:00

Have you ever had an awkward moment? You are probably thinking who hasn't?... But how many of you take your awkward moments and then tell the world about them? Well, I'm about to do just that, I'm going to follow the lead of one of my really awesome friends out there in blogger-land. Tova has taken your average Tuesday and turned them into Totally Awkward Tuesdays, which is an idea that I really like because let's face it: I have many awkward moments. Many of them would probably create much amusement for you all, so consider yourselves lucky! If this works out well, I may just do it on a regular basis.

For the last couple of weeks Tova has actually gone back in time and talked about awkward moments of years past, specifically middle school crushes. And oh. my. gosh! Were they funny. But guess what Tova? I have one of those too! (and by the way, I had the same creepy stalker type crushes as you girl! But those stories are for another post)

A post or two ago I briefly mentioned a long time (my all time favorite!) crush I had on D.P (I will never forget him... You think I am still too obsessive about him don't you?). The crush developed in 6th grade when we reunited in middle school (we'd previously been in the same 2nd grade class, but I didn't have those feelings then).

D.P was the ultimate. He was popular, super cute (in my opinion) and totally unattainable (for me). He was going out with a girl named Gretchen (bane of my 6th grade existence).

Jeez! Hold on, the awkward moment comes soon, I'm just giving you the back story!

So a couple years go by and we're in 8th grade. Every couple of weeks the school threw what they called weekenders, which really were just after school dances with half the gym reserved for basketball and the other half for dancing...don't question it, that's just how it was. I religiously went to these weekenders hoping to score a dance or two with anyone willing...within reason (of course). I had this one fantasy about D.P that went something like this:

D.P walks up to me in the dry ice infused smokey air. At the same moment that D.P reaches out his hand to ask me for a dance, Brian Adams' Everything I Do starts playing (um hello? All time most romantic song! duh. oh BTW? This was roughly 1993/1994). D.P smiles as I take his hand in mine and we dance for a glorious 5 and a half minutes (if you haven't figured it out yet, I also chose this song for it's length...if you're unfamiliar with it, the song has the longest instrumental ever!). As the song comes to an end, D.P doesn't quite want to let me go. So he holds on to my fingers until the last possible second, lingering for just a few more seconds...

And (dramatic pause) end scene...

Okay, so this fantasy had pretty much been going on in similar form since 6th grade, and I'd given up hope of it ever happening.

Flash forward to the 8th grade prom. It's some kind of masquerade theme or mardi gras... some such thing, you can picture it can't you? I'm as decked out as my mom would let me get at that age, and I am going solo (well, with my best friend and her boyfriend...if being a 3rd wheel counts). So I'm sitting at a round table with a group of my girl friends, gawking at all the beautiful people. Scope out D.P and pretty much stalk him with my eyes all night.

A while into the dance I notice D.P walking toward our table.

I'm sitting next to a girl named Shelby, and I lean in to whisper loudly "Oh my gosh, D.P's heading this way! Hyuck!"

Yes, I used the Goofy laugh because that's how I imagine it sounded.

D.P stops at our table and says "Would you like to dance the next slow song with me?"

I stare at him for what seems like an eternity, waiting for Shelby to answer him. I hear nothing so I slowly turn to Shelby trying to figure out why the hell she's not answering him! I mean come on girl!

Only when I turn to face her, she's staring at ME like I'm the crazy one.

Then it hit me.

Oh. My. God. (did he mean me?!)

So I say it out loud... natch.

Did you mean me? Hyuck! (yes..I did)

D.P is probably not sure what he's gotten himself into at this point....but he nods his head.

"Oh sure! Yes. Great!" (Did I really just say Yes! Great!??? I might as well have said You Betcha! Okee dokey!)

So D.P says "ok, see you on the floor for the next song."

So at this point my girlfriends are like, "what are you WAITING for?" And I'm not sure, but I think they may have had to pry me out of my chair.

A minute passes like molasses, it's so slow. But finally. FINALLY. It's time.

So I walk out onto the floor feeling extremely out of place because I may have gone out a tad too early. Also, the thought of him ditching me on the floor isn't entirely far fetched as I picture him doing exactly that. What other reason would he have for asking me?? (to this day I still don't know why...just in case you are wondering)

But thankfully, there he is. He smiles and walks up to me, at the exact moment the song starts. (perfect timing!). And just what song do you think starts playing? Yup. You got it. Good ol' Bryan Adams.

So we start dancing (there IS a God!). And I find myself thinking 3 minutes into the song, that yes. This could very well be the best moment of my life. Look at all those people, his friends, staring at us. I am sure most were wondering why he was dancing with me, as was I.

*But he did, and here we are, so there! *

So the song ended and he said to me "thanks for the dance." And that was it.

*Sigh*

So you're probably wondering where the awkwardness comes in. I mean sure, there were some awkward moments, but where's the real awkward stuff?

Well. Being that this was the prom, it goes without saying that this was the end of the school year. Hence, yearbooks. So I get my yearbook and like most young girls I go through it with a pen and make notes on the pictures. Or maybe this is just me...

*Get to the point...*

If you were to look past all of the "have a fun summer, see you in high school" notes (and one that says Bologna tastes good with mustard...I kid you not) and find the P section of the 8th grade part of the book you would see D.P's head with a big pink heart around it. From this heart is an arrow pointing to the margin of the page. Now friends...this is a direct quote (yes I did go and find my 8th grade yearbook, just for this post you lucky readers!): "He asked me to dance at the prom 5/20/94. And I did!! It was awesome, I think I am in LOVE!"

Silly right? Harmless right?

Well, like most kids, I carried it around to all of my classes with me that week. Hoping to get as many signatures as I could.

So what do you think happened? I leave it in my English classroom. I don't even notice that it's missing till the next period. I quickly get permission to run back to the other room to get my misplaced book.

I knock on the classroom door as I enter the room, while I'm thinking to myself how lucky it is that I sit near the door so I won't have to walk into the middle of the class to get the yearbook. As soon as my eyes find the desk it should be on, I realize it's not there. In fact it is a few desks away, in the hands of several other students and they are reading the EXACT page I quoted from a minute earlier. The worst part? D.P was sitting in the same classroom I was standing in at that moment. And these kids were reading ALOUD... aloud! I about died as they started snickering when they saw me standing there... I calmly held out my shaky hand and asked for my book back. The girl that had it, said "why don't you ask D.P for it?" And she handed him the book. *Biatch* (oh yes I went there!)

He barely looked at me as he handed back the yearbook...silently I might add. And I got out of there as fast as I could.

Talk about your awkward moment! As I sit here thinking about it, I remember it fondly, even though that is only because of the near perfect dance scene! The embarrassing moments I could do without though.

Now it's your turn to shine! Or not to shine...that IS the question, isn't it? Talk about one of your awkward moments on your own blog, then link back to mine. THEN tell me about it with a link to your post in my comments section. I'll then post your link at the bottom of this post for all to see. It's one big awkward party folks! Sorry it's almost the end of Tuesday, for some of you it might already be.... I'll let it pass if you want to have Totally Awkward Wednesdays...

PS. I am TOTALLY going to scan some pics from the 8th grade prom tomorrow. Yes as a lot of you know, I keep everything. So I still have them. Woo Hoo! Stay tuned for those, you won't want to miss them!

*udpdate 7/13/2009*
Sorry for not actually posting any pictures folks. I found them, but my scanner at home leaves something to be desired. : ) But guess what? Someone participated! Check out my friend and her awkward moment!

Tiffiny

She Never Sits Still!

2009-06-23T00:19:00.002-08:00

My beautiful family. Unfortunately Sofia has a hard time holding still for longer than 2 seconds, hence the slight blur of her face. It's a great picture none-the-less.

I Don't See the Silver Lining Here

2009-06-17T23:01:00.010-08:00

"Sometimes when people are under stress, they hate to think, and it's the time when they most need to think." ~ Bill Clinton

I am currently finding the above statement to be true. I am currently so stressed that I literally am having a hard time thinking, yet in my current situation that is not going to be of any help at all. Let me explain:

It has finally gotten quiet in my small apartment, for this is the 5th consecutive night in a row that my son has thrown a hissy fit (and that is being generous) over one thing or another. If it's not about bedtime, it's about the choice in bedtime stories or his pajamas not being the right pair. And it's not just whining...it's full blown screaming, kicking, crying, and....punching. Not really sure where he learned that one, and I don't like it one bit. For the last several nights he has fallen asleep between 10 and 11, more than two hours past his usual bedtime. Which leads to the newest addition to our good times - this morning he didn't want to wake up and get dressed because he wanted to sleep (vicious cycle!). When we insisted that it was time to GO, he refused to pick out his own clothes, so we did it for him. He wasn't having that so he threw another tantrum. He ended up being carried to the car in his shirt, socks, and underwear because he refused the pants we chose (and I was NOT going to play musical pants) then he also decided he didn't want to go anywhere (he wanted to stay home alone) so he refused his coat as well. So I put his jacket, pants and shoes in the backpack and hauled his little behind to the car.

Yes. It was a long drive to the babysitter this morning. The kicker? Tim called to check in on him this afternoon and he found out that immediately after I left Reagan had put his pants and shoes on as if nothing was wrong as he sat down to breakfast (oh! where is the justice?!).

On the way home tonight I stopped at the grocery store to pick up a couple dinner ingredients. Since it was a quick stop, Tim stayed in the car with the kids while I ran in. Reagan wasn't happy with that because he wanted to go into the store too. When I returned less than 5 minutes later, Reagan and Tim were out of the car, poor Fia was patiently watching from her booster seat as Tim lectured Reagan on how to behave. Well at that point we had to actually put him in the car to get home. Yah, that was fun. Let me just say "thank goodness for child safety locks".

Reagan spent most of the evening in his room until he decided he wanted dinner (which I really tried to withhold for bad behavior, but I have a such a hard time doing when he says he's hungry...I always cave on this threat when it's been used). Also, he has NO TV or favorite toys, this is something I won't budge on....however I'm not sure it's working because as I said, it's been 5 nights now. By the way, he hasn't seen a transformer in almost a whole week. Most of the evening went ok after he stopped crying, he even went to bed with no arguments...yet all good things must come to an end, right? Tim went in to tell the kids to stop talking and go to sleep around 9, the tantrum picked up where he'd left off.

I have to say, I am exhausted. It literally drains me to the point of exhaustion. I end up getting so mad that I spank him, which is a futile effort. And then I have to leave the room because I am getting so angry that I am afraid I'll spank him more, and I hate spanking to begin with (I always said I wouldn't do it...but that was before my son hit the "terrible fours" And by the way? He NEVER even went through the "terrible twos" I heard so much about). It is starting to make me sad, and I've also started to question my abilities as a mother. Talking to him doesn't work, yelling doesn't work, reasoning? there is no such thing with a four year old. So what do I do? Is this going to pass? I have no idea, I've heard "it's just a phase" a million times. That may be, but this phase is taking it's toll on me.

We can't even do anything fun as a family because something always triggers his anger. We tried going for a walk last night after dinner and everything was fine, the kids were having fun. But when it was time to turn around (Fia was getting tired and didn't want to walk anymore, and hey! she's heavy.) Reagan freaked out the whole way home.

Tomorrow is my Division picnic, and I'm concerned that my child will throw a fit over something while we're there. Is it strange that my two year old is better behaved than my four year old?

I keep hoping that this stage in his development will end soon. I see glimpses of my sweet, soft spoken, kind hearted little boy, right smack dab in the middle of his emotional tirades. I miss that part of him more than ever right now. I really need him back.

I also need a massage.

A New Day...(or) A New Layout!

2009-06-16T23:58:00.003-08:00

Gah! Well I finally managed to find a layout I'm happy with. Let me tell you folks, it's not as easy as it looks. I had to play with the HTML (which isn't that bad, I rather enjoy learning more about it) and then the "shopping" around for a background I actually like. I found several that were great, but for some reason once I had it on my blog, it just didn't mesh well. I think I'm happy with this though. But since it took the better part of last two evenings (and admittedly, part of my work day today) I'm beat! I don't have a lot of time to post anything real tonight, but I wanted to let you know I have been fervently working on my blog in other aspects.

Since I'm here and talking about blog makeovers, I suggest you check out these awesome sites that I came across in my travels, so to speak:

These 3 are all about backgrounds and banners and such:
Banner of Blessings
The Cutest Blog On The Block
Hot Bliggity Blog

These blogs actually helped me figure out the layout and HTML stuff:
Moms Who Blog

Blogger Buster

Tricks For New Bloggers

These are just a few that I ran across, but I actually utilized all of these sites. Hope they help! I am now off to bed! See you on the next go 'round!

Weird isn't it?

2009-06-15T09:29:00.001-08:00

Sorry my friends, I guess I have to come up with a new layout for this blog. I'm getting unsightly bandwith messages as you can see. Must be the source for the Layout has too much good stuff or something! So I'll be playing around with it later today. Bare with me folks!
Also I will try and post something new tonight!
Now I get to go "shopping" for a new layout! How exciting! Stay tuned to see what it turns out like!

How Old Are You Again? No Really.

2009-06-11T00:18:00.003-08:00

Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang, 'Happy Birthday.' ~Steven Wright

It’s getting late right now, and I can’t imagine going to bed yet. I’m not tired in the least. I want to write something. Anything. I just don’t really know what I want to write about. I figure that if I just start typing, something will come to me.

So let’s see….well, tomorrow is my little sister’s birthday, actually, she’s not so little anymore. She’s going to be 27? 28? Gosh, I should know this. I probably won’t get to see her tomorrow since I have to be at work. She’s got the day off so she’s going out to play in the sun (*yes. it’s still here, shocker!*) with our cousin. I would buy her lunch, but she’s already made plans to eat lunch downtown with our aunts. So I’ll have to wait and see her on Friday night. We’re getting together at the Canton House, here in Juneau, for dinner with our other sister and a group of 17! Talk about a large group. In fact, I had trouble making reservations for a group that large. You’d think that the business would welcome a big group considering each person will drop at least $20 for dinner and a drink…am I right? Oh well, it’s their loss.

I’ve got a few tricks up my sleeve for the birthday festivities, however, since she reads my blog I am going to resist temptation to tell you about it for now. I don’t want to spoil the surprises…well ok, only one surprise. But that’s all I’m telling you!

Have I mentioned my new favorite blog? It is so ingenious it makes me wish I’d come up with it myself. The Secret Life of Tova Darling is the title, I became hooked as soon as I read her side bar. It’s really very intriguing and her posts are just as interesting as her side bar. Really. Check it out k?

So anyway, after dinner, my uncle has rented a limo to take my sister and my cousin (who, by the way, shares a birthday with my sis. And happens to be visiting from AZ for the month) and a few friends. So the limo is taking us to go bar hopping around 10 that night. Should be fun, I got an aunt lined up to take the kiddos for the night which is an added bonus for me and Timmy.

What else? Anything interesting going on with you my followers? How is your summer faring so far?

This post is turning into a rambler. But that’s ok. I’m allowed that once in a while.

Oh, well I sent an email to my buddies I mentioned in the previous post. I wanted to let them know that I have a blog, and yes I use it. Haha. Well I sent them the link to yesterday’s post just to share it with them and it got great reviews. SO that makes me happy. It also makes me happy to know that they too consider themselves my friend even after all these years. I haven’t heard back from all four of them, but 2 of 4 say it’s a must read, four outta five stars (the missing star is due to my overuse of run on sentences. But really...I am thinking of taking some grammar class or SOMETHING...do they have Grammar for Dummies?). I must say that I was apprehensive about sending them this email because even though I have a few followers (and a couple are family members), I like to keep a bit of anonymity due to the sensitive subjects. Not that yesterday was sensitive, but I wasn’t sure how people would react to reading about themselves. But I guess as long as I keep it light and airy, I should be ok. Hmmm. Maybe this is why Tova's blog appeals to me. Ya think?

So a few of you are MIA lately. Did I do something to offend you, or are you just busy like me? I don’t know what I expect, truly, I mean I go on temporary hiatus from my blog for a week or two because I’m lazy, then I come back and what? Expect you all to be waiting with bated breath for my next post? I guess we know that my head has just deflated a bit don’t we? Well if I lost the few of you that I had due to my own negligence, I’m sorry. I am already trying to make it up to you by posting three times in less than a week! I hope to make you all proud. I look forward to many plucky comments very soon.

Ok, now that it is officially after midnight, I will now turn off the Pandora Radio (my new favorite music site, really, I just started getting into it. It took me a while eh?). Maybe, just possibly I will go to bed. Even though I don’t wanna. Oh! If only I were still a teenager on summer vacation with the whole night ahead of me and the whole day to sleep tomorrow. Lol, ok, that is extreme, but being able to stay up late when I feel like it and NOT feel the effects in the morning would be pretty awesome.

Sorry for the uninteresting post. The next one will ROCK to make up for this one.

Until next time, ME.

**This amendment was made on June 12, 2009:

As soon as I mentioned that the sun was still gracing Juneau with it's glorious presence, the sky opened up. Well, not at that very moment because that would have just been freaky! But the next morning it did start to pour. Needless to say, my sis did not get to partake in the aforementioned swimming. That is all. Thanks for listening.

You've Got a Friend

2009-06-09T23:15:00.008-08:00

Winter spring summer or fall,
Hey now, all you've got to do is call.
Lord, I'll be there, yes I will.
You've got a friend.
~James Taylor~

Well here we are. It's a quarter after 10 tonight and I was cleaning out my yahoo inbox. I've had the same email address for more than 10 years. Let me tell you, I'm real bad about deleting emails. I'm the same way about emails as I am about letters, birthday cards and other mementos, I save them ALL. I always find myself thinking maybe I'd really like to see them again some time in the future when I'm reminiscing. Tim calls me a pack rat and that may be, but he's not getting his hands on my stuff! haha. Actually he's talked me into purging a lot of things like birthday cards from my 2nd birthday and what not, but he's never seen my inbox. hehe.

I have my mail box split up into numerous folders. One for family, my wedding, bill payments, pictures, and friends (and this one is split into sub categories like friends from this job, friends from high school, friends from that job and so on... referring to points in time where I met these friends). It's weird how I organize my chaos, really.

Anyway I was going through one of these sub categories tonight as I am rockin' out to some Huey Lewis and the News (oh yeah, I said it. They're my all time guilty pleasure, ssh!) when I came across several old emails from a small group of old friends that I am lucky enough to have called my pals for a long time. I'm feeling all lovey dovey and nostalgic tonight, so sit back and relax while I talk up my school chums.

With the exception of Rebecca, the names have been abbreviated out of respect for the friends I'm about to talk about. If they read this, they'll know who they are. And for all you others out there, you don't really need to know their real names now do you?

First, there's Rebecca, and if you are an avid reader of this blog, you've met her once before. She was my best buddy in school as you may remember.

Then there was A.B, I didn't meet her until high school when she moved to town from Florida, but we became fast friends.

J.D.M, well J.D.M honestly wasn't much of a friend until after high school when we realized we had much more in common than we thought, however he hung out in the same group as me then. He dated A.B for a time and teased me relentlessly.

His best friend was B.M. I harbored a small crush on B.M for a while. I'd known him since middle school and he was a nice guy. Although, at times I questioned my thoughts because he was good friends with the one guy that made times tough on me.

I had other people I palled around with, but these four are the center of today's story.

I will begin with A.B. She was a lot of fun, and I'll admit that most of the time I was jealous of her. She was cute and had no trouble getting boyfriends, something I wanted very badly at the time. We met one night when I was with Rebecca at the local Coast Guard hangout (Buoy Deck!). Rebecca's mom worked there as a bartender and we were hanging out in the game area. A.B's dad was in the Coast Guard and Rebecca's mom was actually the one to introduce Becca and I to A.B. She was the new girl in town and she wanted us to show her around. A.B lived in Juneau about three years before her dad was stationed back to Florida. A.B actually graduated from our high school a year early so she would not have to attend her senior year at a new school. I admired her for doing that because I wasn't as motivated to do something like that. At times I struggled to even attend some classes. I missed her a lot my senior year.

When A.B moved back to Florida we lost touch, even though I looked for her off and on over the years. Then finally through the magic of myspace, I found her again! She's recently had a baby girl who is the cutest thing ever!

Rebecca I've talked about before, she was my best friend. At times her and A.B didn't always get along and I think a lot of it was that they were both popular with the same boys. A lot of our guy friends in our little clique at one time liked both girls. Ha. So there was a little tension at times. Even though they didn't always get along, I was always friends to both of them.

Of course, Rebecca and I still talk. I love her like a sister and she will be in my wedding (when that finally happens). I will never lose track of her because I would be devastated to do so. She has a little girl that just turned two. Her Auntie Candice loves her and wishes her mommy would bring her for another visit. Hint Hint.

J.D.M is a good example of a boy that at one time or another liked both girls. I believe he dated both at one point. Just not at the same time. As I said, he gave me a hard time, he wasn't mean to me but he really liked to pick on me. Secretly, I may have enjoyed it, because lets face it, at least he was paying attention! J.D.M and I were only friends by association at first. It wasn't until the first Christmas break after graduation that he became one of my very good friends. Somehow he was talked into picking me up for a party and we were catching up in his truck. On the ride to the party we found out we had something in common and he was shocked. Of course I didn't share all the details of my story with him, just the basics. That was enough.

When J.D.M was stationed in Japan with the Marines, I talked to him via email and even on the phone (I bought international calling cards quite a bit). Over time we got to know each other very well and I grew to love him. I mistook that love for a time, to mean that I was IN love with him, but I figured it out when he came home from Japan. By this time I had left school in Seattle and was in Juneau again. I was so excited for him to come home. I had these big plans to confess my love and I was sure I had a chance. He'd told me that I was one of his only friends to talk to him while he was away, he loved me too. When he brought me a gift from Japan (which I'm pretty sure I still have....hey, I'm a pack rat remember?) I may have said something, I can't remember how it went down, to be quite honest. Well it turns out that you can love someone without actually being IN love with them, I was 18 when I figured that out. J.D.M let me down gently, and we parted as friends. Don't worry, it wasn't long before I moved on and found a new young love, and one that actually returned the favor!

J.D.M has been back and forth from Iraq quite a few times now. I understand he just returned from his third tour. Lives in CO now with his own family. I haven't talked to him in a while, we sort of lost touch between his deployments and life moving on. We emailed briefly last summer about our 10 year reunion.

B.M was that one guy. I had this one frivolous crush on a popular guy in school (DP forever!! lol) but that was just silly school girl stuff and let's face it, DP was the most unattainable crush for me there was. We did dance together once, but that, dear readers is another story. But B.M, I'd known him for years. In middle school he used to tease me, but in a normal way. It's funny because we only started hanging out in the same group because he was friends with J.D.M, and J.D.M dated A.B in 10th grade. B.M's family were friends with Rebecca's family (Coast Guard circles) and when B.M's family moved away one year, he moved into Becca's spare bedroom to continue the school year. Since I practically lived at her house, I saw him a LOT. He was like a brother to Rebecca and I secretly loved going over there because I knew he'd be there.

He was nice to me then, but really kept to himself most of the time. I found out later that he'd considered asking me out at one time, but decided it wasn't worth the risk of embarrassment. I mentioned being chubby right? B.M was too, but in an acceptable way. He is tall and all...and well, a boy. I guess he was worried about what people would think about the two chubby kids dating. To this day I don't think it would have been as bad as he thought. But the psyche of a teenage boy's mind is not something I'm about to ponder right now.

B.M has just graduated law school. I am so proud of him. We don't talk a ton these days, he's been busy with school and recently became engaged to a really gorgeous blond girl I've never met, but have seen pictures of on Facebook. He's doing real well for himself, and I am excited for him. I may have scared him off a few years ago by telling him that I wish we'd been more at one time. I don't know why I insist on dwelling on what "could have been" but I tend to do so. There was a spark at one time between us, but our lives led us down different paths. C'est la vie. I don't think I truly scared him off, but he probably questioned my sanity, considering I hadn't seen him in more than 5 years at the time.

So was there really a point in introducing you all to the characters from my early chapters? Not really. There is no story per say. But at least the ground work is set for future ventures into my life.

I was reading the emails I mentioned earlier and found one where we were all professing our love for one another and how we really need to keep in touch. It goes to show how naive we are just out of high school, our hopes are high that things won't change that much. I don't think we fathom what really happens. I remember we had this big plan to go to Vegas once we ALL turned 21. Rebecca was the youngest of the four of us, but when her 21st came and went we were spread across the country actually, the world. It never came to fruition. I'm still holding on to that dream though, wouldn't that be funny if a bunch of middle aged friends reuniting after 20 years? Wow. um 20 years isn't that far away come to think of it...yikes!

There was another email written more recently (well, if you consider 2006 recent) and that love was still expressed in. In this email was a phrase expressed by one, but I think, felt by all: "I love you all and miss you more than I even know. I hope this finds you all well and in good spirits and health. God bless you all!"

I think I reciprocate that sentiment.

Ok, this picture is really kinda hilarious and perfect! I decided to pour through my old pictures to see if I could find one suitable for today's blog post. Low and behold I found a picture from years ago, taken at a party. In this picture is all four of the friends I discussed tonight playing Twister (conveniently, I am the one taking the picture so you can't see me. This is a strategy used many a time by myself to avoid unsightly photos) From front to back is J.D.M, A.B, Becca, and B.M. It is the perfect pic because their faces are hidden. Well, except for J.D.M and Becca, but that's ok I think. The picture quality isn't great, I took a picture of this picture with my cell phone because my scanner isn't hooked up to the laptop and I don't really want to figure that out right now.

Good night and remember Ralph Waldo Emerson said it best: "To have a good friend is one of the highest delights of life".

The River Walk at Lunch Time

2009-06-05T14:25:00.013-08:00

You know a dream is like a river
Ever changing as it flows
And a dreamer's not just a vessel
That must flow where it goes.
~Garth Brooks

It starts with the path.

and Me lookin' fine in my shades.

I walked along the Mendenhall River and daydreamed about not being at work. This view happens to be RIGHT across from the office.

The stairs leading down to the river's edge.

I braved putting my feet in the water, and since this river is glacier runoff I expected icy temperatures. But due to our recent warm weather, the river was surprisingly comfortable!

I sat for a few moments on a grassy spot with my feet in the water. It was nice.

Alas, lunch is only an hour. I must return to the grindstone.

The Sun is Shining

2009-06-03T15:41:00.010-08:00

I think I'll go for a walk outside now

the summer sun's calling my name
(I hear ya now)
I just can't stay inside all day
I gotta get out get me some of those rays
everybody's smilin
sunshine day
everybody's laughin
sunshine day
everybody seems so happy today
it's a sunshine day

~The Brady Bunch~
~It's A Sunshine Day~

Whew! It is HOT outside! Well, at least hotter than I'm used to these days. And I'm still in Juneau, AK, people! Yesterday reached 82 degrees and today was supposed to be hotter, however I haven't checked the temperature yet. Hold on... ok, I just checked and it is hovering around 79 and 80 degrees at the moment. It is supposed to stay lovely through the end of the weekend just not quite as warm. Although I am NOT complaining about it being this warm. I am loving this weather.

My mom would have loved it right now, it's prime conditions for swimming at her favorite beach. Lena Beach is still a place that my family likes to visit, besides being my mom's favorite, we all love it too. You might think that swimming in the ocean on the shores of Alaska sounds ludicrous, but given the right temperature it can be quite welcoming. Too bad I'm stuck at work on the hottest days of our current heat wave. By the time I can make it out to Lena for a swim, it will have cooled down to the low 70s. Which is still nice, just not warm enough to brave the cool water.

I have fond memories of our mom taking my sisters and I out the road to picnic at Lena Beach. We'd go out with a bag of fried chicken and some jojos for a quickie just to enjoy the weather, or we would actually pack up the hotdogs and other prerequisites for a cookout over a fire. A lot of the time we were joined by other family members. Our aunts would go swimming with my mom and us kids. Good times.

The cove that Lena Beach sits around is called Lena Cove and that is the same place that we spread my mom's ashes last September.

It is real tough to concentrate on my job when it is this gorgeous outside. Luckily I have managed to hold off on too much goofing around until now. So my work hasn't suffered...much. lol. It will be nice later on once I'm off as well, and I'm looking forward to our Relay for Life team meeting tonight. We have decided to have it at my aunt's house on her deck in her back yard. So I will get to sit in the sun for a bit before it goes down.

I hope the rest of you are having as great a start as I am to your summer! Below are a couple shots of Lena Beach on a foggy morning. These were taken a couple years ago, I have a few classic pictures of my family at this same spot, but I'm afraid I might end up shot if I post them. So you'll have to make do with these.

~Take care!

New Moon

2009-06-02T15:08:00.009-08:00

I know it's been a very long time since I've posted. Sorry guys, what can I say? I've just been a busy mommy.

I am at work at the moment but wanted to share something with you all. The New Moon trailer was pre-viewed at the MTV Movie Awards last weekend. However, I missed that because I rarely watch MTV. But now that it is so easily accessible, I've found it and watched it. And I loved it!

Betcha didn't know I was a Twilight fan did ya?

Well, I'm not totally obsessed, but I really enjoyed the books and look forward to the movies as well. So to share with you all, here is the first trailer for New Moon:

Find more videos like this on The Twilight Saga

I know it's slightly cut off on the right side*, I couldn't figure out how to fix it since this video is embedded. Also I think I'd have to mess with my profile layout, and I am not really wanting to change it at the moment. So you'll have to deal, kay? It's not like that missing millimeter is going to make you miss something vital. Am I right? lol

Alright All! I will be back soon, I promise! I miss writing so I will find the time. It's weird...I finally get a laptop and I haven't used it for blogging yet. Go figure.

**Amendment made June 17, 2009 at 12:35am (ack!)**
Since the change made to my blog's layout today, the video is no longer cut off slightly. This is due to my extensive research (lol) on HTML, looks like it paid off! TTYL Guys!

Wowee wow wow!

2009-05-15T00:05:00.002-08:00

I am officially using my new laptop tonight! I went out and got myself a wireless router last night so that I can access the internet. And of course, now I’m up and running. Let me tell you, getting used to a laptop is interesting. As I type this out: my hands occasionally glide over the touchpad in the center and then weird things start happening. It’s a little annoying, but I’m getting the hang of things. I am definitely going to enjoy having my own computer though, I’ve already started personalizing it and I’ve downloaded a few apps I know I’ll use. For instance, right now, as I type this, I am using Windows Live Writer to update my blog. How cool is that? I know it’s probably not that interesting to a lot of people, but it’s new to me and I find it awesome!

My goal is to get really good at creating my blog so that I can start some more. I’d like to keep this blog for personal stuff like family, friends and so on. I’d like to start blogging about all kinds of things, and this is good practice. I have a lot to learn!

So, I know this wasn’t a real post, but I will definitely return soon with better stuff. Right now I am so caught up in learning my new computer that it’s taking up a lot of time.

Until next time!

Going back in time.

2009-05-14T00:37:00.002-08:00

If there ever comes a day when we can’t be together keep me in your heart, I’ll stay there forever.
~Winnie the Pooh

Going back in time. Just missing my mom. I will write a better post later. This pic was taken in Seattle on a pier, 1999. It's showing it's age a bit but I love it and keep it in my living room. Every time Reagan thinks I look sad he asks,"you miss your mom right now?" My standard response after chuckling is that I miss her all the time. Then he runs over and grabs the small frame off the shelf. His instructions are to give my mom a kiss and tell her about my day and that I love/miss her. This scenario plays out a couple times per month and it melts my icy heart, as Tim would say. Lol. Anytime the kids have something to say to Grandma or they ask questions about her, we pull this out. One other funny note: Reagan insists that my hand in this pic is actually a burrito...when I tell him it's my hand he becomes very adament and I let it go...cuz it's cute. As usual. :-) TTYL!

Happy (Belated) Mother's Day

2009-05-11T08:39:00.009-08:00

Well, I'm back. (Finally!) I know you missed me, you don't have to say it. *smiles*

Yesterday was Mother's Day and it was perfect! My babies (including my big baby: my wonderful, beautiful, caring and generous Timmy) woke me up around 7:30am by carrying in my Mother's Day surprise, a new laptop! Oh my gosh I am so excited, I finally have my very own computer that no one else can touch. Which is especially nice when Tim is in the midst of his online courses or maybe surfing e-bay for the millionth time. Truly, I'll never understand what he finds so fascinating on e-bay, but that man can spend hours there. I didn't get much of a chance to play with it through out the day because my kids wanted to play on it too, which I really wasn't ready for them to do just yet. I'd like to keep it looking and working like new for a bit longer.

After a wonderful wake up and a breakfast of toaster waffles, my little family had a relaxing morning watching what else? Cartoons. But I didn't complain because I was too busy checking out my beautiful new presents. Oh! Did I forget to mention the lovely homemade oatmeal hand soap that my wonderful kids gave me? They were little molded bars of unscented soap (one shaped like a crown and the other a butterfly). Gotta send props to my Aunt Shelly and her kids for having the patience to help my children make me a present! Thanks guys!

Around 1pm we met up with the extended family at my grandmother's place. She lives in a nursing home and doesn't get out much, so we brought dessert and gifts to her instead of making her traipse across town in the care-a-van.

Picture this: At one time or another we had (at the most) eleven people plus my two little ones crammed into a little room not much bigger than the average hospital room. On the plus side, my aunt made a spectacular lemon sponge cake with equally lemony whipped topping. Oh if only my family wasn't so large that I could have had a second piece! I love lemony desserts!

I spent a couple hours there with my kids watching other family members coming and going. We exchanged cards and gifts among the mothers in the group. My kids gave their great grandma cards they'd picked out for her and then we left. Did I tell you that yesterday was gorgeous? Not yet? Well it was. We ventured out into the sun, but only for the ride home.

I was beat, so we went home and Mother's Day, or so it seemed, was over. I cooked for my family, and myself, a Mother's Day meal of marinated chicken and mashed potatoes. All the while I was tending to my sick daughter, who's nose has been running like someone forgot to turn off the faucet! And my mouthy (testing out his new found attitude) soon-to-be four year old. But I don't mind because I love my babies as I've mentioned in numerous posts before this one. That is, after all, what that day is for right? I am a mother and this is what I do. If I didn't like it, there would be no laptop for me to play with when I get home tonight.

And so I leave you, dear readers, with a funny little video in honor of Mother's Day, this one really cracks me up:

In times of sacrifice, you get Golden Girls!

2009-05-04T23:03:00.002-08:00

I am sacrificing my blog time so my honey can do his final exam. So a quick update from my phone to say it was beautiful all last week and on Saturday I took the kids for a drive and played in the sun at my aunt's house. It was a nice time. This pic is of my favorite spot out the road, pretty, no? The rain is back now but it's a welcome sight. Just so you know, I haven't forgotten you all, it's just that finding the time proves difficult most days. I will see you again shortly. I'm off for now to watch more Golden Girls reruns! I love those ladies and was sad to learn of Bea Arthur's passing. Her character, Dorothy, is my favorite. She will be missed. Nite nite!

Chocolate toes.

2009-04-28T19:54:00.005-08:00

This was quite some time ago...she was one but so cute. Just cleaning out my phone and sharing with the world!

Happy Birthday

2009-04-20T12:12:00.008-08:00

"With every friend I love who has been taken into the brown bosom of the earth a part of me has been buried there; but their contribution to my being of happiness, strength and understanding remains to sustain me in an altered world."
- Helen Keller

Today is the birthday of someone very special to me. Kathy Maria Vilandre was as close a friend as I could have, for me she was my second mother. I met her years ago while in middle or high school (I can't determine the year for sure). She was the mother of Ryan, a boy I knew, he dated my best friend Rebecca. Through my friendship with Becca and Ryan I came to know Kathy well. Over the years I remained in contact with Kathy and she was a large part of my life. Kathy was at times, easier to talk to than my own mother about a lot of things. I found myself seeking Kathy's advice many times over the years, long after Rebecca and Ryan's relationship ended. Kathy passed away on June 25, 2008, only a few short months after my mom. The pain was still very fresh from the passing of my mother when one day I got a call from Rebecca (she remained close with Kathy as well) saying that I needed to go to the hospital right away if I wanted to say good bye, because she was dying. The scene in the hospital was eerily similar to the one I'd witnessed in April that year for my mother. Kathy had been fighting cancer for the last year, a short time compared to the battle my mom went through. By the time I reached the hospital, Kathy was unconcious but still breathing. Her family so graciously allowed me to be in the room alone for a few moments so I could talk with her. I broke down and told her how much I loved her, I felt so alone in those moments. How is it fair that both of the women I loved so much could be taken from me in such a short amount of time?
Kathy passed away that same day around 8 pm. I am grateful that I got to say good bye and hold her hand one more time. I miss her so much and think about her often. Every time I am about to make any decision, I think of what Kathy would have said to me. It's comforting to know that she is no longer in pain, but I miss her.
Happy Birthday Kathy. I love you and miss you terribly.

Quick Fun

2009-04-17T16:59:00.010-08:00

I’m in the need for a quick and simple post today. I’m the only one at work today (besides my boss) so I'm swamped, but want to make sure that I get something published just in case my week gets away from me. I was taking a gander at other people’s blogs earlier today and ran across Tiffany’s post from last week. I’ve decided to copy her idea but only this once because I’m not sure I can commit to it weekly, and also it’s Monday, not Thursday. Apparently every Thursday Tiffany calls her post Thursday’s with Tiffani (a different Tiffani) and she jots down what she’s thankful for, listening to, what’s for dinner….well read on to see what I mean.

I am Thankful for... My Timmy. Without him I don’t think my head would stay on straight. He’s also pretty patient with me whilst (I felt like sounding Shakespearean) I get my finances in order (so we can finally get married!!). He is also a great daddy and a loving partner. I would be a pretty lonely person without him, so today I am feeling extremely grateful to have him in my life. If you are reading this, I love you babe.

I'm listening to... Bleeding Love by Leona Lewis. She has an amazing voice and makes beautiful music.

I'm looking forward to... the snow finally melting. Reagan keeps bugging me to go to the beach. The other day I told him that we won’t go until all the snow is gone, but he has asked me EVERY day since. I don’t think he grasps the whole “time” thing. It’s getting close though! All weekend was gorgeous! We even went to the park at Twin Lakes on Sunday, what fun!

What's for Dinner Tonight... I have no idea!! It's Monday, which means One Tree Hill night with my sisters. Every week they come over for dinner and watch the show with Timmy and me. It's fun, but as for dinner tonight I am clueless. Better send them an email to get it figured out!

Missing.... Kathy Vilandre. It's her birthday today and it makes me think of her more than normal. And, well, I’m still missing my mom pretty good, but since the other day I haven’t been emotional about it. That’s a good thing because I was getting tired of making myself cry every two minutes!

On a side note…my office rocks my socks! We have a monthly luncheon and it always has a theme with optional costumes and of course games. Last Friday was our April Luncheon and it was a blast from the past. In honor of the 80s I made Hamburger Helper (Cheesburger Macaroni). Here is a picture below of two silly co-workers dressed up 80s style. I didn’t get a costume in time to dress up, which bummed me out at first, but I’m resourceful. I’m happy to report that 15 minutes before lunch I ran into the ladies room, pulled my hair into a side pony tail and applied blue eye shadow up to my brows, race tracks on my cheekbones (quite David Bowie of me) and some bright pink lip gloss (not the same as lipstick, but hey!). I also managed to stuff some paper towels in place of shoulder pads to get the same effect, as well as taper my own jeans with paper clips! It was a pretty ghetto costume, but everyone got a kick out of it. Sorry, no pictures of the actual costume, but thank goodness for the mobile blogger! I was able to send a headshot for you to see. Enjoy.

Me. Trying to look fierce 80s style, sorry, the side pony tail bugged me.

Krista and Darcy! Awesome co-workers

Testing

2009-04-16T16:44:00.010-08:00

Testing out the new mobile Blogger.
Now I can text and post pics on the go! How convenient, I must say.

hmm. What's that in the background? Work? I think not.

After figuring all this out I have figured that the mobile version is good for a quick blurb on the go or uploading mobile pictures. However, for a layout tweaks or to have multiple pics I still need to login on the computer and play around with it. Well back to the grindstone, only 20 more minutes til I see my babies!
yay me!

One year ago today...or yesterday. Look at the time!

2009-04-15T00:12:00.021-08:00

If I think about her too much, I cry. Unfortunately for me, today is one of those days where I can do nothing but think about her. Whether I am picturing her last moments, or 15 years ago, doesn’t seem to matter. Earlier today was harder than now in this moment. My day is almost over, and it’s been…a…good…day. Was that convincing? Eh.

But really it wasn’t so bad.

My sisters and I took some time off from work to visit my mom at her favorite place. It’s the same cove in which we spread her ashes not too long ago. We picked up her favorite picnic food and some flowers before we headed out to our, now, sacred spot. We chatted and reminisced about our mother, ate our deli takeout and each wrote a note to our mom. Before we left we put our notes into a bottle, and with the tulips walked to the waters edge. The day was beautiful, full of sun, almost as if our mother was with us down on the beach. Every time I felt the breeze shift my hair, I felt my mom’s presence. We placed the flowers and bottle in the water and watched them bob around on the surface of the tide. It was beautiful, and somehow peaceful. On a whim we decided that our mom could probably really go for a jojo, so we tossed one into the water for her.

After visiting the beach with my sisters, the tears have subsided. I’ve spent the evening with my children and their daddy. These three are my happiness. Nothing in this world can make me feel better than them. Tim knows what to say or how to say it so that I feel better. And of course, just looking and listening to my children does wonders for my mood.

I want to share an excerpt from the journal I started not long after she passed away. This entry was written on April 21, 2008. She died April 14, 2008. This excerpt is from the chapter I called MY MOTHER, it isn’t the whole piece, but I think it is my mom in a nutshell:

My mom was wonderful. She was strong willed and stubborn at times, supportive and loving.Her love for her family and children was unwavering. We could mess up a million times over and she’d love us as much as the day we were born.

When I was in middle school my mom decided to go back to school to earn her degree. She enrolled in the local university when she was in her late twenties. She would work and when she wasn’t working, she was studying or taking care of the three of us. Times were tough, once our dad was gone we were left with my mom’s part time income and some other meager student assistance from the student loans. Yet as long as I can remember, we NEVER went without. My mom always made sure we were taken care of. Christmas and birthdays were always big events in our house. You’d never realize to look upon us in those moments how poor we truly were. We somehow always had “stuff.” Most of the time we either had no car, or one that barely ran but she always managed to get us what ever we may have wanted at the time. And you know? She graduated from UAS after 6 years. Not only did she graduate, but it was magna cum laude, that’s pretty impressive considering the circumstances.

My mother always did so much for others and rarely did enough for herself. She loved Halloween and would organize a haunted house every year for the children in low income neighborhoods, the very same neighborhoods that we lived in for many years. Another example of my mom’s unselfish behavior would be that she would ALWAYS put her children ahead of her own needs. If one of us needed money or help, she was there to give it even though her phone would get shut off if she did.

So that was just a tid bit about my mom, it's not a lot but it says a lot don't you think? I miss that woman with all my heart and soul. Not a day goes by that I don't think of her, and people say that it will get easier to deal with the loss. It's been a year now, but the pain is still so fresh and the images of her lying in that damn hospital bed, motionless except for the faint ups and downs of her chest, are right there in my memory as if it were yesterday. I'm not real sure when this "easy" thing will kick in, but I sure hope it hurries up!

I love you mom.

Well. Here we are again....

2009-04-10T12:03:00.004-08:00

Family quarrels are bitter things.
They don't go by any rules.
They're not like aches or wounds;
they're more like splits in the skin that won't heal ...

~F. Scott Fitzgerald

Gosh! I am so frustrated right now. I'm caught between feeling guilty and also feeling upset. Earlier today my family and I were sending emails to each other to discuss the Easter holiday. We were having a hard time coming up with the egg hunt location (Juneau's weather isn't great and we need a plan B in case the weather is crummy) somehow things got misconstrued in the course of the email chain. Everyone seemed to misunderstand everyone else and I decided to voice my opinion in the matter. I basically accused my family of being petty and told them I'd had enough of it and they need to get along or else.
Well it turns out I jumped to conclusions, vented my frustrations when they weren't necessarily warranted, and have now ostracized the family from myself. I've hurt people's feelings, and even though I've apologized, I still feel bad about it.
I've yet to get a response from my apology from anyone. The person who's feelings got hurt or any of the "innocent" bystanders for that matter. Either they are too hurt to respond, or they're too busy. I'm crossing my fingers for the latter.
The thing is that I slightly feel that what I said had some merit. I sent an apology to everyone involved, as well as a separate one to the family member that was most upset. I voiced my point of view on a few things, and gave her the reason I felt the need to say anything at all about the situation. And whether she sees it my way or not, shouldn't matter. Aren't we all entitled to our feelings and opinions? I cannot apologize for telling her the truth. I can apologize for jumping on the family for something that was uncalled for. But the fuel for the fire, so to speak was there, it was the reason I read into the email incorrectly in the first place.
I am extremely frustrated with myself for jumping the gun. I love my family very much, and while most of the time we don't see eye to eye on things, I would never hurt them intentionally. And so now I am torn between feeling guilty for said situation and also feeling a bit insulted that by venting my frustration I've isolated myself, leading me to believe that I should keep my opinions to myself. Either way, it's not a very uplifting note.
No matter which way you slice it, I've done something I can't take back. I hope a few of them read this, so that they understand that what I say may hurt their feelings, but it doesn't take away from the fact that THEY are the most important beings in my life, aside from my babies of course. My family is all I have, I would do anything for them, and I would venture to guess it would be reciprocated. I hope that if a certain person reads this, they understand that even though they don't see in themselves what I meant, it is truly how I feel and I would hope they will try and see it from my point of view as well.
I would also like to add that I hope this person will TALK to me. I'd rather not "sweep it under the rug" or let it blow over. I'd also rather not get my information from third parties. If you have something you want to say, please TALK to me. If you feel my feelings are unwarranted, I'd like to hear it. Families need to communicate, we shouldn't run to the the next person and talk behind each other's backs, if we can't do that, then where do we stand? It also won't resolve anything by acting that way.
Well, ok. I've said my piece as much as I can. In email, on my blog, I'll be trying to talk in person a bit later. If none of this works, I give up.

"Only where children gather is there any real chance of fun." ~Mignon McLaughlin, Journalist

2009-04-07T21:39:00.005-08:00

As I sit here, my cup of coffee in hand with the TV tuned into FUSE # 1 Hits to rock out to, and the kids are in bed. I finally have a moment to get online. *sigh* I tend to do most of my web browsing via my cell phone these last few days and it makes for minimal contact, so I've been itching to come here. I realize I am getting out of the habit of writing, so I am back to give you a dose of Candice Ultra Lite. So as Lady Gaga blasts her Poker Face on my television, I'll get started.

The other night was fun. My kids and I played a bit of dress up. Sofia wanted to be a princess and Reagan joined in asking to be one too. We compromised and he was a prince. I made them crowns out of pipe cleaners and tied a ribbon to Fia's. Sofia has a pink tutu, so she put it on with her pink princess gloves. She was so happy to be dressing up, it was adorable.

Reagan put on his Halloween costume, or at least part of it. He was Batman last year, so the cape worked nicely in a pinch. He also chose to wear the Bat Belt, or whatever it's called. They wanted me to dress up with them, so I put a sarong over my head and they dubbed me the Royal Mommy.

The three of us played around for an hour or so and at one point Reagan changed from PRINCE REAGAN to the Prince of Darkness. He put on his Batman mask and decided that was much better than his sister's game.

Before too long it was time to get ready for bed. The kids were bummed to end their playtime with mommy (I am after all, a lot of fun) and went to sleep with the promises in their little heads that it would happen again soon (in my delusional mindset I actually considered playing dress up again NEXT weekend).

I was awoken the next morning promptly at 6am by my two beautiful children, costumes in hand, asking to play with mommy. Gotta love being a mom.

Announcing the Royal Brother & Sister

From Left to Right: Prince Reagan, Royal Mommy and Princess Fia

Batman of course

She was twirling like a ballerina

My kids will do it differently

2009-03-25T22:50:00.015-08:00

When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us. ~Alexander Graham Bell

I've been thinking a lot about the errors in judgment I've made all through out my life. What? Mistakes, me? I know you must be shocked. It's hard to imagine someone as seemingly perfect as myself making any mistake at all. But I assure you dear reader, they exist. To keep this post under a million words, I will omit anything that happened prior to turning 18. Besides anything that happened before then wouldn't be worth mentioning. Here's a few to get started:

1998:
Mistake #1- Decided to have sex with a high school friend and long time crush the day he left for college.
Mistake #2- Abortion 2.5 months later. Oh and didn't tell the father until much later.

1999:

Mistake #3- Dropped out of college due to depression caused by the aforementioned mistake, used "homesickness" as a cop out.

These really just skim the surface, they are not my only three mistakes ever made, however it gives you an idea. I chose to stop where I did because the more recent stories are prime for future posts. lol But really because it's because I figure that this is a good story to tell.

I hope that I have learned from my mistakes, I feel that I have. There are some (unmentioned) mistakes that I'm still working on, but I take them one day at a time. I can see enough now to look back and think them through rationally and understand that some of the circumstances were beyond my control, or had I made other choices I could have changed the outcome. I now have the knowledge to help my children make empowered decisions. As they say: "My children will do it better than I did."

So the "biggie." I know some of you read this and might be a bit shocked about the "A" word. To be quite truthful I've only told a small handful of close confidants. My own mother til the day she died, had no idea. I never said a word. I was deeply remorseful about the entire situation. I would say it was probably the biggest mistake of my own life. Now, this isn't a political blog, and I do not write to change people's opinions. I am only here to state how it affected me. I am, and always will be, pro-choice. Is it the choice I would make for myself again? No. But I think every woman has the right to choose their own path. Unfortunately for me, I ended up regretting the path I chose, and on this path there is no turning back.

I found out I was pregnant about a week before I was to leave for Seattle. By then the father was long gone. As I mentioned, we did the deed the day he left town... which is the story of my life! lol. I talked it over with my doctor here in town and she gave me the info I needed to know about ALL of my options. She was very helpful and was in no way pursuasive to which direction I should take. Just informative. I found a place in Seattle that would be able to perform the procedure and scheduled it to be done about a month or so after I had started school.

I became very depressed the very day it happened. I had five classes, one 4 hour class every day (Art School). I think I made it to 2, maybe 3 classes a week. The more "difficult" ones, I opted to skip. When I wasn't in class, I was at home locked away in my bedroom (luckily for me one of my roomates dropped out and left me with my own room). If I heard a roomate come home from class or work I would either A: pretend I had just arrived home myself or B: pretend I wasn't home at all and wait til they left before I ventured out.

I cried a lot, I called home EVERY night and basically got kicked out of school. I skipped so many classes that I no longer qualified for my grants and loans because I wasn't maintaining the proper GPA/attendance to earn them. Unless I could pay cash, I would have to leave. The kicker? I had just started to kinda feel normal, had realized I didn't like graphic design and switched to my first love: fashion design. I had even talked to the registrar and actually MADE the changes already... but alas, it wasn't meant to be. I flew home less than a week after learning of my perdikerment.

The source of my pain at the time were a couple of things. One: I felt insanely guilty for not having told the father that I was even pregnant, let alone what I chose to do with that pregnancy. I ended up telling him in a letter just after Christmas break because I just couldn't fathom telling him in person... even though we attended the same parties and gatherings over the holidays. He called me once he had read the letter (I had conveniently sent it to his dorm instead of his Juneau address... you know, so I wouldn't run into him at the store or something) and it turns out he was just ok with me not letting him know. Of course he would have liked to know, but what would he have been able to do out in the midwest when I was in Seattle? In the end he thought it was the choice he preferred, to this day I don't know if he was being honest with me or just trying to appease my hysterics. (As soon as he called I couldn't stop crying for the whole conversation)

And Two: I regretted losing the baby. I regretted not getting to go through the pregnancy and to feel my body changing. Constantly the "what ifs" went through my mind. I made note of when the baby would have been due and for the next couple of years would mentally tick of another year. By the time the baby would have been 4 or 5, I stopped. I still think about it from time to time. Even right after Reagan was born I thought about it quite often for some reason... but it slowly fizzled away to the back of the brain again.

So yeah, I do regret it. With all my heart. Especially now that I know what it's like to hold a precious baby in my arms. That is not to say that every woman will feel this way. So still, I leave it up to each individual to choose their own path. This is something I am going to try very hard to talk to my kids about. I don't agree with the "wait until marriage" concept. I think it is unrealistic in this day and age, and considering my own non-traditional relationship with their father, it would just be hypocritical. I just want to teach my children to be safe and to know they shouldn't be ashamed to talk to their parents, as I was. We are here to help them grow and when they make mistakes along the way I use my own experiences to help guide them to their decision.

I would love to tell my children just don't do it! Don't have sex til you're 30. Even if I say it, it's not going to happen. At least if I educate them and have an open and honest discussion with them about sex and sexuality then maybe my children will make healthier choices for themselves than I made for me. I think the worst mistake a parent can make is to just plainly say "Don't even think about it until you are married" Just don't think about it. Well. That goes against the very nature of a teenager doesn't it? I've never met one that isn't boy-crazy or fawning over the cheerleader (or whatever)... Not only that but our culture is obsessed with it. So to try and stop it from happening without any other explanation other than "it's just wrong, or bad" isn't a very effective method in my opinion. If I just try and ban it from their brains then what can I expect except rebellion?

I know that I have a long time before I need to start discussing the birds and the bees with my little ones, but really the more I think about it, it's not that long at all. Education begins at home, or so I've heard.

I would not change anything I've done. I may regret some things, but I would never actually change the course I've taken to get me to where I am now. I am happier than ever with the two most beautiful babies in my world and their daddy. I have all I need.

On a lighter note...

2009-03-19T12:46:00.013-08:00

It seems that my last post was a bit of a downer for some folks. I have to say that I was a bit sorry to hear that. As a rule I try and choose the subjects of my posts that have meaning behind them. I could write for the sake of writing, it's true, but what would be the fun in that? I want my readers to take something away with them after reading my entries. If they go away with a heavy heart due to the content of my post, then so be it. My last entry wasn't meant to be cherry pie. If I'd wanted that, I would have written about the newest and funniest thing Sofia had done lately (and there is quite the abundance of those stories, I assure you).

I will paraphrase my point from the last paragraph of my previous post: If I can enlighten just one person, and that person takes in my experience and realizes that everything will be OK if they can just talk to someone, then maybe they WILL talk to someone and end their own turmoil. Well, if that happens then I've done my job for the day.

So on a lighter note:

"The purity of a person's heart can be quickly measured by how they regard animals" ~Anonymous

I think the above quote is a pretty good representation of how I see my sister, Kristina. She's always been a kind person, to animals and the like. For example:

The year was roughly 1991... give or take a year. My sisters and I were playing out in our yard on a relatively sunny summer day.

Our cat, D.C. (for those of you not hip to the old Disney movies, D.C. was named for the kitty in That Darn Cat, and by the way... I do not mean the remake with Christina Ricci), had a penchant for catching squirrels and taking them into our garage. He would eat them and then scamper off on his next adventure, leaving only the skulls and tails of his defeated prey.

My younger sister, Kristina, felt very bad for these squirrels. So much so that on the very summer day I previously mentioned, she decided to take action when we saw D.C. hunched down low in the grass. He was ready to pounce on a very unsuspecting squirrel. All of a sudden Kristina flew her arms up in the air and shouted at D.C. as she ran over him. He had already made his move by then and he had the squirrel in his mouth.

Kristina cornered a very confused D.C. who tried to run with the squirrel, but to no avail. Kristina some how made him drop the poor thing, who must have been scared to death. D.C. took off, he didn't want to be anywhere near the crazy girl. As soon as he had dropped the squirrel, my sister swooped in. She mercifully picked it up in her hands and gave it a pet on the head.

I probably don't need to remind you folks that squirrels are wild animals, and should be treated as such. But a 9 year old doesn't think of such things.

The squirrel was so freaked out between the cat almost devouring him and this screaming human girl saving him, well he didn't know what to think. So he did what any wild animal would do. He started clawing his way out. He scrambled out of her hands and up her shoulder onto her back and made his way into her hair.

Hahahaha. Even as I'm typing this, I can't help but laugh. This was... a very funny moment.

My sister was squealing "Get him off me! Get him off!" ducking her head down and spinning around (as if that was going to help). Finally my mom came running out at the sound of the commotion. She got Kristina to hold still for a moment and picked the squirrel off my sister's head.

It was all over very quickly.

Cat from the pound: roughly $30
Rubber gloves to pick up squirrel parts from the garage: $2
Antibiotic ointment to clean squirrel scratches: $5
Watching your sister save a squirrel from impending doom: PRICELESS

I think my sister learned a very valuable lesson that day.
Never pick up a squirrel.
AND
Let nature take it's course.
In this case nature was a domesticated Siamese cat named D.C.

This is not accurate representation of my sister, this picture was taken a year or two before this incident ever happened. However, this picture is a classic.

There is always one moment in childhood when the door opens and lets the future in ~Deepak Chopra

2009-03-18T21:22:00.008-08:00

I wrote the following on April 25, 2008.

I was pretty young when my dad started abusing me. Around the 1st grade was when it started, but I don't remember it. Don't get me wrong, I remember plenty, just not the beginning. I won't go into details, but I hated being alone with him. I hated the middle of the night when he came home from the graveyard shift. I hated the mornings on the weeks he worked days. If my mom went to the store without us I panicked. For the longest time no one knew about it. I lived with this horrible secret until I was in middle school. Every chance he got he'd take it. The car, the house, camping... it didn't matter. One time he offered to take my sister and I camping. Just the three of us. At the time my mom thought it would be good, that we could bond with our dad. She didn't know that I was having anxiety attacks and bawling when I was alone. I didn't even know if my sister had the same thoughts, I didn't even know if he touched her the same way. I was totally isolated and scared almost my entire childhood.

As I got older, the more my confusion set in. I hated my dad so much, yet I craved any "normal" attention he showed me. When my mom or other family was around I felt great. Dad treated me normally. But as soon as they were about to leave the heavy feeling in my chest returned.

I was in the 6th grade when I was asked to help dad clean out his camping trailer. Everything was pretty normal that day. I went back and forth between the house and the trailer with boxes of his junk. My mom and sisters were in the house and dad was boxing up his stuff in the camper. Things in that trailer were pretty tense, he was looking at me in the way that made my skin crawl. On one of my trips back he asked me a question. This one question was so small, and vulgar (that is the best word to describe it... vulgar.) This question triggered my mind into a downward spiral. I wanted to run as fast as I could away from him. Or seriously hurt him. I couldn't do the latter option, and for the moment I was frozen so my first option wouldn't work either. He just looked me over and told me I was growing up. And then he said it. Five words formed the question that I'll never forget, but I won't repeat. Just understand that he was asking me whether or not I was a virgin at the time in a much, much dirtier way.

I was speechless. How could my DAD ask me such a thing with those implications? I probably blushed, regardless of the things he'd done up to that point I couldn't quite grasp what he was saying or why. All I could do in my current stupor was shake my head and say no. He then implied that he could take care of that for me if I chose, right there in the trailer. I was so freaked out at that time that I just said no. I left the trailer and didn't come back.

I wasn't crying when I walked back into the house. I just went to my room and shut the door. I stayed there until dinner because my mom made me come out. I wasn't ready to tell yet. I just couldn't. I was so scared, like no child should ever be. My dad left me alone for awhile, I had probably scared him when I left the trailer. Eventually he figured out that I hadn't done anything and things started back up.

One night my sister and I lay in our bunk beds in the dark. All I could wonder was if she was going through the same thing as me, I really longed for someone to talk to. Out of the blue I decided to ask her if dad had ever touched her, she said that he had made her sit on his lap once and some things happened. That was it! I couldn't take it anymore. I couldn't bear the thought of my younger sisters going through the pain I was feeling. I cried myself to sleep that night after telling my little sister that things would be ok. I didn't know how, but I knew that they would be soon.

A few more weeks went by, I thought of telling someone once when we had a police officer come in to our classroom for a talk about drugs and other abuse. The officer had a coffee can that we could put anonymous questions in and he'd read them and answer. I put in a note that I had something horrible to tell and needed help. He urged whoever it was that wrote it to come forward after class... but I didn't.

So things remained the same. My refuge were the afternoons, at least on weeks that dad worked. He worked one week on, one week off. It was an "on" week one afternoon when I came home. Mom was doing something at the table, maybe homework (she was in college) or taxes or something. I went to my room for trumpet practice. I'd probably been in the room for 10 to 15 minutes, and I just couldn't concentrate. I broke down crying, just bawling my eyes out, I knew this was it. I got up and went into the dining room to see my mom. When I got to the entrance of the room she didn't see me right away. I took that moment to take a breath and watch her for a moment surrounded by papers and reading intensely. All I got out of my mouth was "Mom." She looked up from her work and could immediately see something was wrong. My tear stained face and cracking voice probably gave it away. She asked me what was wrong.

I almost chickened out again. All I could get out of my mouth was, "Dad..." and I couldn't do it. I choked up, told her never mind and turned to go back to my trumpet. But you don't just go to your mom looking upset and saying "Dad" without piquing her curiosity. She wouldn't let me go back. She firmly, but gently grabbed my chin, looked into my eyes and said, "Candice, tell me what is wrong." I didn't see it at the time, or at least think about it at the time, but she looked scared. Did she sense what I was about to say? I'm not sure.

The minutes that followed I don't remember much, just bits and pieces. All I know is that she believed me! Never once did she doubt what I'd just told her. She gathered me up in her arms and just hugged me and told me that everything was going to be ok and he'd never hurt me again. While I cried, she took charge. She took me for a walk to Super Bear, just down the street. Dad had our only car with him at work so she had to figure something out. She bought me a candy bar, which seems odd, but if you know my family, doesn't seem so odd when you think about it. We walked to the bus stop that my sister's would be arriving at soon from school. Once the four of us were back home she made us all pack up overnight bags.

I wasn't privey to my mom's plan, all I know is that she called her best friend, Sheila, to come and get us. We would be staying with her that night. But mom didn't come with us. She said that she had things to do but that we were safe and he couldn't hurt us anymore.

I was good friends with Sheila's daughter, Brittany, at the time. I slept in her room that night while my sisters were in another room. Brittany and I stayed up late that night talking. She was the first person besides my mom that I talked with about what my dad had done. I told her everything I could too. It was pretty late when we heard my mom come back. Some of my aunts were there. I definately remember my dad's brother Russell and his sisters, Monica and Jodie were there.

Brittany and I sat at the top of the stairs unseen and listened to the grown ups talk. I found out that my mom had called the police, who were waiting at our house with her when dad arrived home from work. They confronted him and essentially he admitted it. He was arrested that night and other than a few more times over the years, I never saw him again.

The thing I remember most about that day is my mom. She seemed so strong. She made me feel safe and loved. I've never regretted telling her, the only thing I regret is waiting as long as I did to say anything at all.

Until next time ~Me

I feel so strongly about educating children about child abuse. As a victim and now as a mother, I feel that it is extremely important to talk to our children. We need to let them know that they are loved and safe. I talk to my children every day and I ask them questions. I want them to know that I am here for them if they need to talk. I know they are still so young, but if I don't start now, it will be too late later. I never, NEVER want my children to go through the pain and isolation I felt. It is not an option for me to forget what happened. I will never sweep it under the rug, so to speak.

I forgave my father when I was younger, for taking my childhood from me. It's easier for me to forgive him and not think about him with built up hatred. However, I am still coming to terms with how to deal with this emotionally. I am not sure if I want a relationship with him, but I am not vehemently against it anymore either. One thing is for certain, no matter what I choose for myself, he will never have the chance to meet my children. Unfortunately for him, he lost that right many years ago.

My pipe dream for this post is that someone, some child perhaps will come across my blog and read my story. Maybe my story can show that child that it's ok to tell someone. No matter how scared and hopless they feel, there is always someone that is willing to listen and help them.

Friendship isn't a big thing - it's a million little things.

2009-03-15T23:29:00.017-08:00

Here I am again. For a couple weeks I've been debating something to write about. Now that I've said I'd do it, I have to keep my word and use "meaty" subjects. Unfortunately I have been dwelling on this for so long that I haven't even logged on. Every time I looked at the computer I would think about coming here, but change my mind because I wasn't coming up with anything. I literally felt fearful of the damn thing because I was coming up empty.

I do want to thank those of you who read my blog and enjoy it. It is nice to know that there are people out there that actually read my stuff and keep coming back. So a big THANK YOU to all of you.

Keeping in tune with my last post I thought I'd talk more about memories. Maybe it's because we're coming upon a year since my mom's passing, but for whatever reason, I've been reminiscing lately. This weekend I had dinner with both of my sisters, Tim and a bunch of my youngest sisters' friends in honor of her birthday. One of her friends happens to be someone I went to high school with. Later that night we were at a bar and as I was leaving I ran into someone else that remembered me (and sadly he looked familiar, yet I couldn't recall his name at the time...I was so embarrassed) from high school. So I went home thinking about... you guessed it... high school. How could I not? Obviously this was some kind of sign. I mean, I live in a small town, but other than one or two friends, I don't generally see anyone from that time randomly about town.

So here I go again with an entry from my book of experiences...

My very good friend Rebecca 1998

Rebecca. The Abridged Story.

I was in sixth grade when I met the girl that would inevitably change the course of my entire young life as I knew it. On a whim I decided to try out for the middle school drill team, and by chance or fate, I made the squad (actually as I learned later on, ALL the girls made the squad...but I don't usually like to point that out). It was exciting at the time and I loved every minute of it. One of the other girls my age didn't really stand out when I first met her, and it wasn't until later that we became friends. She had big square framed glasses that pinched the tip of her nose when they slid down and she wore her long hair pulled tightly back off her face in one of those half up, half down hair-dos. One night she invited me to stay over at her house, I don't know why she asked me and at the time I wasn't real sure if I'd have fun or not, mainly because I was a pretty shy kid at the time.

I remember her house at the time was big, or at least it seemed that way, and empty. Not really empty, the house was fully furnished, but it was quiet. She was an only child. Maybe because my house was rarely quiet it just seemed odd. Her mom was really nice and her dad I met only briefly that night. We went into her bedroom and I became immediately jealous. She had two twin beds, which I had only seen on TV shows, and a CD player. I gushed over the latter for a few minutes (I had yet to get one and it would be a couple years before I finally did). She asked if I wanted to listen to something and rattled off a few choices as she opened the disc player. Inside the player was the last disc she'd listened to and in the moments that followed we became friends (I am not real sure when it happened for her, all I know is that it began then) and it is so hilarious now, but at the time seemed completely normal. Inside her player was New Kids on the Block. Now, if you know anything of the early 90's you know how completely awesome that was for an 11 year old. It instantly gave us something in common and I squealed something like, "You like NKOTB?! OMG Me too!" and she said that she had other discs by them as well. The rest of the night is pretty unimportant, but we spent it listening to the New Kids and getting to know each other.

We didn't really become the best of friends over night. It was a year or two before I saw her that way. But we definitely spent a lot of time together. By the eighth grade we were practically inseparable (you can ask her, but I'm pretty sure I may have followed her around. ha!). Her house was my 2nd home and I was welcome there any time I wanted. By this time her parents had gotten a divorce and my dad was in jail (long story and for a different post) so we had a little more in common by then. Her mom worked several jobs and was rarely home. Which we loved. I think that each of us had something the other wanted. I loved being at her house alone with no one to bother us, while she I think, loved how big and close my family was. She spent a lot of time visiting during family gatherings on holidays or whenever we got together. It was in her house while her mother was away that I had many firsts...like getting ready for our 1st dance, my first taste of alcohol, cigarettes and a kiss. Not all at once, and not all in the 8th grade either. Rebecca and I went through all of our "firsts" together. I saw her more as a sister than just a friend. We grew up together.

In the summers we rode our bikes throughout the neighborhood, gradually that turned into riding in Rebecca's car all over town listening to hip hop music (we thought we were so cool too). There were many times I would think about how my life would be different if I wasn't her friend. She was so much apart of my life in every way that I couldn't imagine what it would have been like without her, other than it would have been very lonely.

Sadly, there was a time in high school where I went about an entire semester without speaking to her. At the time this seemed like an eternity and I cried about it often to our other friends. Rebecca had become friends with a new girl and this girl was a lot of things that I wasn't. For one, she was extremely pretty... and very popular, with boys and girls a like. She befriended Becca and took her along to parties that we'd never been invited to before. If I'd been in her shoes, I can't say I wouldn't have done the same thing. Being popular is what every kid wants at one point or another, right? Not too long after they met that I stopped getting phone calls.

I started hanging out with other kids and still thought a lot about Rebecca, it was the epitome of the classic teenage drama. Alas, everything returned to normal after a while, and our friendship had survived the strain. In the end it all really seemed so silly.

Eventually we graduated from high school. Soon after, I left town to go to school and she stayed in Juneau, which at the time was completely the opposite of all our dreams growing up. She'd always wanted to go to Minnesota where most of her family lived for school and become a CPA, while I never really had college aspirations because I had 2 problems-lack of money and lack of ambition (more on that later). Somewhere along the line, things changed and I was the one who left. We kept in touch while I was gone. And every time I came home I would immediately go see Rebecca. Her home was my home, no matter how much time it'd been since I last saw her. I actually left school early for a couple reasons, one being that I was extremely homesick.

Once I was back, it was as if I'd never left. The only difference was that we were older and she'd moved out on her own. I spent a lot of time with her and our small group of friends. It was Rebecca that made me promise one night to go to the ER if I was still in pain the following week. That was the year I was diagnosed with Crohn's Disease, I'm sure I would have gone on torturing myself for quite a bit longer if she hadn't talked some sense into me.

Eventually I moved back to Seattle, and our lives moved on. We still kept in touch and one year she left Juneau too. These days she lives in Anchorage and somehow I've ended up back in Juneau. It's funny how things work out. I still talk to her about once a month or so. We both are busy raising families and living our lives. But we still end every phone call with "I love you." I still consider her one of my dearest friends. I would do ANYTHING for her, I hope she knows that, I'll have to find a way to tell her one day. There are some days I get all nostalgic about the "old days" because I miss having that one girlfriend that you can share everything with, Becca was that one person for me. She was someone to hang out with and we knew we did not really have to do anything important, we could just watch TV.

I strongly encourage you, my children, to try and make friends like I have. Having a few life long friends has been so important to me. The really good friends that I've made (and will treasure forever), helped me through a lot of tough times through out the course of my life.

I think Rebecca was my biggest influence. I met her at an age that was on the brink of being a teenager, a majority of the choices I made at that time reflected how I felt as a person. I was comfortable with myself and confident, despite being the token chubby girl in class. I believe it was all because I had a friend. I look back now and see that I had a number of friends in middle school but none of them I could picture in the spot Becca filled in my life.

There are a lot more isolated incidences with Rebecca that you will probably read about later. I just want you to know how important she was to me and what she still means to me today.

Until next time. ~Me

Rebecca & Me
Junior Prom 1997
Me sitting on Becca 2001

So that's my first foray into my teenage years. Stay tuned and you might learn more about them in the posts to come. By the time I've run out of things to write, you'll know more about me than most of my family. Lucky you.

Rebecca, if you are reading this. I love you.

A little more meat please...

2009-03-02T16:51:00.019-09:00

My last post left me feeling quite empty. I was writing for the sake of filling the void in my blog, and it just felt there was no substance to what I had written and it made me contemplate what I truly wanted out of this blog. As I sit here munching on chocolate covered pretzels, I am still not quite sure what that is yet, but I feel the need to fill the void with some meatier subjects. I thought it was about time that I talked a little more about myself (Don’t worry for those of you who look forward to my plucky comic relief, it’s not going anywhere, and I will upon occasion use silly subjects or updates on the kids when I need a quick posting). So, before you click the mouse to visit the next blog, please hear what I have to say.

Most of you know who I am. And as a person, you know what sorts of things I’ve been through in my life. Or maybe you think you know, but really you aren’t too sure, and never felt the need to press any further for more details. Ok, and just maybe some of you have no idea who I am at all. I’m the kind of person that talks about myself. I’ve never really been closed in emotionally. My childhood was rough at times and even as a young adult wasn't a piece of cake, and I have always been comfortable talking about my problems with anyone that cares to listen. Sometimes I wish that others, especially a few of those closest to me would open up a bit more, one in particular, keeps her emotions bottled up to the point that I think she is going to explode one day. I feel that my comfort level in talking about my past has led me to feel more stable, emotionally speaking. Not 100% stable, but I balance it well.

When my mom passed away last April, I felt myself unraveling, as we slowly started to go through her things (and to this day I still can’t bear the thought of finishing that project, no matter how often my sister reminds me of the task), our goal was to find bits and pieces we wanted to keep of her or share with others at her celebration of life. A few years ago one of my sisters got our mom a journal of sorts, it asked a bunch of questions a lot like, “What was your favorite memory as a child?” My mom actually managed to answer quite a few of them, but it would have been so nice if there was more, especially when I was grasping for something more to hold on to.

Within days of finding this journal and using excerpts from it for her services, I began to ponder what I would leave behind for my own children and other loved ones, should I leave this world sooner than expected. Even if I live to be 100, for that matter, what is it that my children will find comfort in? My art? Maybe. But really most of it was created long before they existed, and while I loved looking at my own mother’s artistic pieces, none of those hit home as much as her own words. So I went to the store and bought a journal. My thoughts are my motivation to fill this journal and maybe more to come after it, with my own words. Let me share with you the first page:

~April 20, 2008~

My earliest memory is a dream I had in which I was sitting next to my Aunt Virginia on a ferry boat. I must have been no older than 3 or 4, and most of the memory is dark with a lot of sepia toned color. I just remember looking up at her and smiling, there is no sound by the way. I don’t know where we are going, all I know is we were going somewhere together. I’d see this image while I slept occasionally, and it was always as if I were looking upon the woman from the child’s perspective. I always knew it was Virginia though. Later as a young adult I found out that she had in fact taken me on a ferry trip to Skagway from Juneau and back again when I was around the age I speculated.

Memories are often great things. They link us to our past, and sometimes they are windows to things we never knew. Occasionally our memories aren’t so great, yet they are apart of us and make us who we are. I’ve chosen to write down my thoughts about my memories for my children, or anyone who chooses to read them. I hope my writings will inspire, enlighten and give knowledge those who read this. These events are told as I remember them, but some of the facts may be inaccurate.

I love my children more than my own life, and if they can learn from me and be better people for it, then I have served my purpose. We all share the same emotions and desires and we all make mistakes from time to time, hopefully we learn from them as they happen. This book is filled with my own mistakes, happy moments, tragedies and really so much more.

Candice

It is now March 2, 2009. Almost a complete year since the first entry of that journal. I am sorry to say that the habit of writing in a book has not exactly set in. I haven’t written much since July. I’ve had a lot going on this last year, and now that the new year is well under way, I’m hoping to make a dent in the journal. My plan is to take an entry from time to time and post them on this blog when I see fit.

There is so much more to me than the aforementioned plucky comic relief and silly posts about men in costume, I’m going to try and let a little bit of “me” shine through. Hopefully, you will find this as rewarding as I do.

My Mom

I miss you every day and love you so much!

If I won the lottery....

2009-02-24T20:46:00.005-09:00

Earlier Tim and I were speculating about winning the lottery. I am leaving for Seattle the day after tomorrow and while I'm there I am instructed to buy some lotto tickets. Our conversation quickly turned silly while we discussed the many things we'd do if we won.

Today's blog is just that. What would I do if I won the Mega Millions? Read on, loyal followers, your answers await.

First things first. Pay off ALL my debt. And Tim's too. We'd be able to start over completely from scratch. That alone would be completely awesome.

Next I'd go house hunting. Not condo or small house hunting. I mean "house of my dreams and only in my dreams" hunting. I picture at least 5 bedrooms. Enough to house each child, Tim and myself, a den for Tim and a room for myself to be creative. Of course it has to have a huge kitchen with a pantry, a dining room and formal living room. An extra family room for the "family activities," a large laundry facility and a 2 car garage. Oh! and a walk in closet big enough to be the 6th bedroom. Did you ever watch "Newlyweds" on MTV? Jessica Simpson turned the spare room into the most beautiful closet I'd ever seen. That's what I'd want. A couple bathrooms would be swell too. I also picture turning the basement into a mini recording studio for my Timmy. Now, this dream may seem extravagant, but that's because it's a dream so don't scoff.

Next I'd quit my job. Literally, I'd NEVER WORK AGAIN. I loathe working. If I could, I'd spend the day doing all sorts of fun things. I'd go shopping, maybe hit up a spa, go to the gym, see a sporting event, take my kids to the park, see an exhibit in a museum or go for a long drive. The possibilities are endless.

I'd hire a nanny. I'd love a live in part time nanny that could watch the kids for half the day while I do some of the fun things I mentioned in the previous paragraph. Then I could come home and whisk them away to do awesome mommy/kids things. Once they're in school full time I wouldn't need a nanny anymore, but for now it would be ideal.

SHOPPING for everything. Someone has to stimulate this economy, it might as well be me. I'd have to buy furniture and other accessories for my new house. Plus clothes and toys for the fam dam and myself (of course).

Ooh! I'd buy an eco-friendly vehicle for myself to haul around the brood. I'm thinking one of those hybrid SUVs. Personally I love Lexus and Mercedes, so I'd probably have a 2nd car too, and yeah that probably isn't so eco-friendly to have two. But sometimes it is nice to have another option.

This should have been number two on the list, but it doesn't really matter which order they appear. But I'd plan my wedding. This wedding would be the complete opposite of what I'm currently in the midst of planning, mainly due to the budget. With the exception of my dress and chosen color schemes, I'd plan everything different and to the hilt! I may even consider a destination wedding in some tropical location and buy all my guests the airfare and hotel for their trip there. I'll have to plan on writing a future blog about my wedding plans. I've been hesitant on that because it's somewhat a touchy subject right now. More on that later I promise.

I might consider a 2nd house. The reason is, and you'll understand if you've read my blog before, but I really dislike my current choice in residential locale. Mainly because of the weather. So I'd like to have a summer home here in Juneau and spend the winters in Seattle. This way I can visit my family in the most beautiful season Juneau has to offer and spend the rest of my days in my favorite town.

Speaking of this: I'd travel. EVERYWHERE. And I'd make sure my kids come with me. I'd love to show them places all over the world, and to share that with them would be amazing.

My kids. I want them to have everything I never had. Including a paid for college education and a lovely home. Regardless of it's size, I want a house for them to grow up in.

Ok. Okay, I know this is all over the top. But really all I need is a home, some savings and my family and I'll be as happy as a pea in a pod...or a bug in a rug...or what ever it is that is really happy.

Valentine's Day

2009-02-11T12:36:00.012-09:00

It's been far too long since I've written anything here. I am sorry my loyal followers, it is no excuse, but I get so preoccupied that I just plain forget. Today marks the first day of a 3 day weekend, so I'll be able to kick out at least one more post while I'm at home being lazy.

Today is Valentine's Day. Tim and I don't normally go overboard with the celebration of this holiday but we do make a point of doing something. The kids both got Valentine's gifts of the obligatory candy and stuffed animals from all of the relatives, including myself. I did manage to give Reagan a Transformer's card and that pretty much trumped all other gifts, even the candy. So I guess I rock.

Around 3:45 this afternoon Tim and I took the kids to one of my willing relative's house. We were supposed to go see a movie before dinner, but we decided at the very last moment to skip the flick. So I turned off the blinker and kept driving. We didn't know where we were going at the time, but ended up downtown at Silverbow Bagels. We both had a cup of coffee and a cookie while we chatted away. It was reminiscent of the old days (before we had kids) when we used to go into Starbucks and we'd talk or read for 4 hours. I miss those days at times, but life is what you make it, right? Today we didn't stay for 4 hours, but we did stay for a bit.

After leaving the coffee shop we decided to take a walk through town. I'd like to point out that by now it's after 5 and dusk... let me also say that it was extremely cold. We weren't prepared for the nippley walk since we had originally intended on just a movie, so we only made it as far as Hearthside Books. For those of you who don't know, that's only about 2-3 blocks. We went inside to warm up and I ended up buying a new bedtime story for the kids. Even when I'm away from them on a pre-scheduled event, I can't stop thinking of them. Tim and I had an unintended conversation with the overly chatty guy behind the counter, who was obviously lonely due to his clientele all out celebrating their love for one another and NOT buying his books. That killed a teeny bit more time. Due to the chill in the air we didn't want to spend too much time outdoors, so we headed over to the Wharf. This destination was in the original plan, however we weren't supposed to be there this early. Since we skipped the movie, we were having dinner earlier than planned.

On a side note (and Tim insisted I put this in my blog, so I apologize for, how do they say? TMI.): Before going into the restaraunt, we both had to use the restroom, the Wharf must have recently done some remodeling because the men's room door had been replaced with saloon style doors. Stranger still, Tim says that the stalls in the men's room were the same way. He said he was half expecting (his words, not mine) a man with a cell phone camera or John Wayne to kick through the stall door with one foot while he was on the john (pun intended). I thought this bit of information odd, but found myself thankful that the ladie's room was intact with normal doors.

Digression over: We went into a very busy Pizzeria Roma (our favorite date place) and went about the normal dinner routine. My waiter was my sister's high school prom date, I'm sure she'll get a kick out of that. He was the only waiter/cashier on hand. I am assuming on a normal day, this works out just fine. Tonight, and I'm not sure if this was poorly planned or maybe someone didn't show up, but he was very busy. Example: Tim and I wanted refills of our soda and we mentioned it to him when he checked in on us, he told us it would be a minute. Several minutes went by and still no soda...we felt bad for the guy ("guy" seems so impersonal, my sister went on a date with him, so for heaven's sake, let's call him Josh!)..we felt bad for Josh so Tim went downstairs with our cups and asked him if it would be ok to do it ourselves (they have a fountain behind the counter). Safe to say Josh was more than willing. Dinner came and went, by the way, they make killer stuffed mushrooms and a not so killer cannelloni. We chatted some more and held hands like an old married couple, which when you subtract the married part... we kind of are (haha...ahem). When dinner was done we just couldn't think of anything else to do, so as we left the Wharf I called my aunt to let her know we were on our way back already. We had only been out just over 4 hours and missed the kids. We were ready to head home.

Now it is roughly 10pm, our kids are snug in their beds after being read their new story, and Tim and I are contentedly doing our thing at home. I have never been much of a Valentine's Day celebrator, tonight's events are pretty exact replicas of years past. But I have to say that I am extremely content. I got to spend an evening out with the man I love, and I was home tucking in my beautiful kids by their usual bedtime.

I wouldn't trade today for a million roses, a cheesy card and a diamond in my cannelloni. Ok, a cheesy card would be the icing on the cake.

Just your daily dose of wierd...

2009-02-02T10:09:00.008-09:00

While browsing the web this weekend, I stumbled upon a site called News of the Wierd. I was bored so I decided to check it out. They have a current column which he updates once a week with wierd and wacky news from around the globe.

His leading story for the week of January 25, 2009 was this:

They're either earnestly civic-minded or people with issues, but in several dozen cities across the country, men (and a few women) dress in homemade superhero costumes and patrol marginal neighborhoods, aiming to deter crime. Phoenix's Green Scorpion and New York City's Terrifica and Orlando's Master Legend and Indianapolis' Mr. Silent are just a few of the 200 gunless, knifeless vigilantes listed on the World Superhero Registry, most presumably with day jobs but who fancy cleaning up the mean streets at night. According to two recent reports (in Rolling Stone and The Times of London), unanticipated gripes by the "Reals," as they call themselves, are boredom from lack of crime and (especially in the summer) itchy spandex outfits. [Rolling Stone, 12-25-08; The Times, 12-28-08]

OK. WTF? Am I right? Was anyone else aware that people actually dress as superheroes on days other than Halloween, or that there was even such a thing as the World Superhero Registry? I wasn't until now, so I decided to check it out. It turns out that they have a minimum criteria you must meet in order to qualify as a superhero. Among those criteria? A costume. Proof of heroic deeds, and if you are unable to provide proof, your profile is listed as "inactive" until proof is otherwise obtained. There's more, but those two are the most important. So it turns out that people actually do dress up in costume and patrol their respective cities looking for evil doers in hopes of foiling their evil master plans. Or at least they hope to interfere with a mugging or something. The registry has "superhero" profiles, some with pictures. One thing I noticed in their rules, revealing your true identity, or secret identity if I put it in superhero "talk," will get you kicked out. So better watch yourselves Superheroes!

Just a few examples of the heroes you'll find:

(These pictures are as you would find them on their public profile at the World Superhero Registry)

Tothian

Queen of Hearts

Or MY personal favorite

Polar Man

I know that to some people this is cool. That's totally ok. I just thought it was wierd and wanted to tell someone.

Can't they just remain babies forever?

2009-01-31T21:58:00.014-09:00

My kids are so cute. Right now they're testing their mommy and daddy's patience, but it's cute. It's Saturday night, so I guess I'm not that worried. It's 10pm, the kids were put in bed at 8pm like every night. But tonight they've decided they'd rather not sleep.

Tim went in their room to lay the law down about 20 minutes ago. What he found was pretty darn hilarious. The kids were wide awake, naturally. They had moved their bedding around on the floor, were running around their room wearing these backpacks my mom got them some time ago (they're basically Sesame Street dolls with a tiny zipper pouch on their backs and straps so kids can wear them like a backpack). The funny part is, and I'm not sure when they learned this, but they both stop in their tracks when Tim entered the room and instantly pretend to be sleeping. As if it isn't completely obvious they're faking. Since they'd been up and running, they landed on the floor in non sleeping positions. Reagan was on his knees with his head on the floor and one hand holding his Grover backpack in place, while Sofia actually started to get down but decided mid-motion that it wasn't necessary to lie down. She just sits sown on the floor and closes her eyes and puts her thumb in her mouth.

It's about 10:15 now, things are seemingly quiet. I'll give it another 15 before I know they're out for sure.

The fake sleeping has been going on for a couple weeks and it's always accomponied by the chatter, these two can talk like a couple teenage girls at a sleepover. Don't ask me what a 2 and 3 year old find to chat about, but they find something. It can be adorable, but some nights it is just plain frustrating when all I want to do is go to bed as well. Or at least enjoy "adult time"... I look forward to the hours between 8 and 11:30, when Tim and I can actually talk or watch our shows (all uninterupted). It's lovely.

I guess now that Reagan is close to 4 things are starting to change. I worry that he's growing up too fast (at least for my taste). He is definitely drawn to more mature things these days. For instance: his cartoon preference has changed recently. He used to be content with an episode of Go Diego! Go! or Mickey Mouse Clubhouse, but now they just seem to bore him. If I insist, he will tolerate them for his sister's sake. There are times he will put up a fight about it though, so I try to alternate the cartoon viewing. He now would rather watch Transformers, anything Batman, Spongebob Square Pants, or even Hannah Montana and Zach & Cody (this is how he refers to the Suite Life of Zach and Cody on Disney). The latter two have me stumped. These are TV shows that tweens should be watching, and my 3.5 year old son enjoys them (what's scary is that he seems to understand them, or maybe he only laughs because of the laugh track, which eases my mind some so we'll go with that). He's greatly influenced by his teenage cousins that he sees every day at his daycare (which could also be refered to as my aunts house).

Even Sofia is growing right in front of our eyes. It seems like only yesterday (cliche) that she was turning one, just learning to walk... you know the rest. Now she tells me daily that she's a "big girl." She's potty training at her request, which is cool, but it came as a shock when she first asked because I wasn't ready to let that part go yet. Even something as trivial as her hair growing fast makes me nostalgic (and admittedly weepy).

I just want it to stop! Or at least slow down, my babies aren't even babies any more and it scares me. Well, it doesn't scare me necessarily, but it sure as hell freaks me out. I'm sure experienced mothers who read this will probably scoff and tell me that this is a part of life that every mother dreads. I know the facts, I just don't like them.

Baby Reagan (and mommy)

Baby Fia (and mommy)

My "BIG" kids, Christmas 2008

This is for you Claire.....

2009-01-27T12:40:00.041-09:00

Well here it is. It's only my 3rd posting and I've come up with writers block. I can think of nothing to inspire me. I am bored. But don't worry your pretty little heads. I have searched the web for ideas to blog about. I've come up with a solution for today's entry.

You see, lately I've been feeling a little blue. You might call it the winter blues, seasonal depression or whatever. I call it "THIS SUCKS." It's only January and I'm sick of this place. I am ready to go, vamoose, scat, get outta here! Or rightly, I'm sick of this weather. It's bringing me down. I'm tired of wet feet, cold hands and chapped lips. The other day the snow turned into snain (that's what I like to call the lovely mixture of snow and rain falling outside my window).

This is my driveway, or anywhere else you look for that matter.

I'm realistic, there's no way that I could pack up and leave. Or could I? Would it be prudent of me to leave hastily? No. But that doesn't mean I can't think about it. Besides, it could happen in the future. As of this moment, if I had my way, the not so distant future.

I got a bit spoiled living in Seattle. The winters there weren't great by any means. But they weren't this endless down pour of snow. It didn't snow for days on end and then stop, make you think it was over just so 6 days later you can be depressed on your way to work (already depressing enough) because it's SNOWING once again. You might be thinking, "don't you live in Alaska? Isn't this to be expected? What's wrong with you? Snow is beautiful. If you don't like it, why'd you come back in the first place?" All good questions. I'll answer them.

Yes. I live in Alaska.
Yes. It is to be expected.
Um what's wrong with me? What's wrong with you? Snow is pretty when you haven't seen it in 6 months and all of a sudden there is a light dusting of it on a fall morning. Snow loses its beauty quality after the 2nd month in a row without much stopping. When you have to consistently shovel and snow blow your way out your front door. When all you see are crazy traffic accidents because people forget how to drive when the weather changes. And then when snow turns to snain, and it's not even close to spring yet, so you know it's not over. That is why snow is NOT beautiful (to me, of course)
Well, I don't like it. Never really did as a youth. But I didn't have much choice, seeing as how my mom pretty much chose where we lived. I left as soon as I could. Came home from time to time, it is HOME after all. Came home last time to be around my dying mom, not really knowing how long I'd stay this time. Now she's gone, but I still have 2 kids. I have to be a grown up. Which means my moving once a year stage needs to end. For now.

All this aside, I have compiled a list of PROS and CONS for Juneau vs. my 2nd (and greatly missed) home of Seattle.

JUNEAU

PRO. My family. It's huge. We're close. I love them. Without them I'd be lonely. Save for Tim and the kids, these people are my everything. And they're ALL (but a few) here.

CON. Weather sucks ass. See the above commentary.

PRO. I LOVE my job. For the first time since my summer job (I was 19) in the tourism guide business (and that can't possibly count as a job) I actually enjoy what I do. I like my co-workers, my office rocks and I get paid well. Also, because it's a government job the benefits aren't that bad. Plus I'm getting loads of experience in the lending business. (Hello! future jobs! or at least once the mortgage industry isn't in dire straights)

CON. No shopping. At all. I just got wind of this newest rumor, Payless and Gottchalks are closing. If you are not familiar with the small town of Juneau, all you need to know is that there is a WALMART, Fred Meyer, Gottchalks and Payless. Of course, a few other things here and there, but really, that's close to it.

PRO. Affordable day care. Because my aunt watches my 2 kids for half what I would pay in Seattle or any other day care in Juneau.

CON. Juneau is expensive. Nuff said.

PRO. I get the permanent fund dividend. Alaska is the only state that pays it's residents once a year. It is only once a year, but hey! it's usually over $1000.00, that is, before the economy took a nose dive.

CON. It's hard to travel. No road out, so you can't drive. You can take a ferry or small boat out, but that takes forever. The only real option is by air, and only AK Airlines flies in/out of Juneau so they monopolize the price to do so. A trip just to Seattle is usually over $500.00 round trip.

Umm that sums up my PROS and CONS for Juneau so far it's 50/50, got a little love, a little hate for this place as you can see.

SEATTLE

PRO. Friends. I left a few GREAT friends behind that I can only now communicate through email, MySpace and the phone with. I love them and miss them dearly.

CON. No family. See my PRO comment on the Juneau side of things.

PRO. Inexpensive living. Really, compared to here, it's a schmorgasbord of cheap stuff.

CON. Possibly a crappy new job. There's no guarantee that I'll end up as a loan officer or loan closer in Seattle. Jobs are scarce right now, especially in the lending biz.

PRO. Places to go. Lots to do. Technically is this 2 PROS? I'm not sure, but I lumped it into one for you. There is ultimately a variety of things to do, many of them FREE.

This is a picture of baby Reagan at a fair in Seattle. Just an example of how much fun we had for free. Good times.

CON. No family daycare. Due to CON number 1 for Seattle, there is no family, hence, no cheap daycare. Which means I go back to paying full prices.

PRO. Weather is not too shabby in winter, awesome in the summer. It still rains, but it's tolerable.

CON. umm I'm out of them.

PRO. I can drive away for the weekend, pretty much anywhere I want to go. And airfare can is WAY more affordable from Seattle.

PRO. I LOVE THE CITY!!

So that's that. There's my list. Unfortunately all it did for me was make me miss Seattle more when I realized that staying here is better for me and my family. Purely for economic reasons. But reasons none the less.

Even though Seattle obviously outweighed Juneau in a number of areas, it doesn't mean that I'll be leaving any time soon.

Juneau has it's moments

Whew! Looking at this post, you'd never realize that I couldn't think of anything to write. Google is my friend.

Doctors, who needs 'em? ... I guess me.

2009-01-20T15:15:00.003-09:00

For those of you who know me, you know that I was diagnosed in 1999 with Crohn's Disease. For a while it plagued me pretty good. I was sick for a real long time until the situation peaked and I had part of my colon removed and put back together. That surgery was in the spring of 2001 and I've been in a pretty uneventful remission since then. Sure, I've had bouts of pain and have been on some prescribed medicines now and then... but I've been good. I managed to have 2 beautiful kids in the process, which for a while I was thinking I'd never be able to do.

I've been having some brief moments of pain lately. A flare up? I am not real sure. But I'm worried to let it get out of control. I spent months in and out of the hospital when I was first dealing with it and I lost weight uncontrollably, approximately 10lbs every 2 weeks or so. I can't let it get to that point again. I have my kids, my job and my LIFE! to think about. There is no way I can afford to be in a hospital for a few days, let alone months. However, the more I think about the sure fire crash diet, the more I question my thoughts....NO, I kid you. What do you take me for? lol

So what's a girl stranded in little town, AK supposed to do? There are no gastroenterologists for about 600 miles at least. I called the guy I started seeing back in 2000 when I was airlifted to Seattle for the first time. Dr. Schembre is a nice enough guy, he reminds me of a skinny Joe Pesci with a hairy chest. I know this because he usually has his collar unbuttoned down to the 2nd or 3rd and the hair peeps out over the collar or his scrubs. Haha, that's so funny it sounds like I made it up. But I didn't.

But I digress. I called Dr. Schembre's office yesterday to find out what I need to do. I mean do I make arrangements to go see him or try to tough it out until I have to be flown down for surgery again ya know? Well his answering service takes my detailed message and says he'll call me back. And wouldn't you know it? He calls back to my work line while I'm on lunch and doesn't leave a message! Come on Doc! I only knew it was him because who else with a 206 area code is going to call me at work? mmm hmm. So I call his office back to get the scoop. The assistant puts me on hold to check the notes on my file. Here is what she came up with: Dr. Schembre wrote in the file that there are no gastroenterologists in Juneau.

Umm I must be a genius! I figured that out in the 3rd paragraph of todays blog! Amazing, I always knew I was smart, but whoa.

After that revelation I kindly asked the lady to elaborate. She put me back on hold and went to talk to someone. A few minutes later she came back and told me the doctor was with a patient (natch) but passed on the message that I should see my primary care doctor for the course of action I need to take. I'll probably need to make arrangements in the near future to go see Mr. Pesci's doctor twin. Which means I have to go to Seattle soon.

Let me tell you, I'm extremely bummed at the prospect. I mean, leaving Juneau on an airplane for 2 days? For those of you that don't know me that well...I said that sarcastically.

I called my insurance company to find out about reimbursements and such, turns out that they'll pay for my airfare if it's a qualifying medical reason. Cool beans. However, according to the lady I talked to, my reason isn't a qualifier. Yah, they'll cover my office visit and tests, but not the airfare. Because according to her, the tests that they'll do can be done in Juneau. I told her that there are no gastroenterologists here... hey. Didn't we go over this already? I didn't bother arguing with the lady after a couple go-rounds with this information. I figured I'd start with my doc here in town first. I'll deal with insurance stuff when I get to it.

So there it is. This tid bit of Candice gossip has been on my mind for the last few days. Mainly, what am I going to do if this gets worse? I think it freaks Tim out too. He and I got together just after the surgery and I was feeling better. He's never seen me doubled over and unable to eat, think or speak. (ha! in fact, just the opposite) He's heard my stories but doesn't really know yet how bad it gets. He thinks all my problems will be solved by (lol) changing my diet, which helps... but doesn't make it go away.

For those of you who know little to none regarding Crohn's Disease (which is usually about everyone) and want to learn more, check out these websites: http://www.ccfa.org/ or http://www.crohnsonline.com

Well, I must go. I leave you with these words to ponder... I smell bacon. (I really do! And it smells wonderful)

Day One in Bloggerville

2009-01-16T15:33:00.001-09:00

I've given up! I resisted the urge to create a blog until today. 2008 was a crazy year, I've decided to do a few things in 2009 starting with (dun dun dun!) a blog.

My cousin recently joined Blogger.com to keep people in touch with her everyday goings on. I had a login here a long time ago, and never really gave it a go. It was so long ago, in fact, that I forgot the username and password, so I created a new one. I had good intentions, I just fell short on them. So because I've been inspired by my cousin, I'm giving it a try. It really is a great idea... it's like letting people read your journal. Which actually is a little scary if you think about it. Scary for who? I'll let you be the judge.

Because I have children, this seems to be a great way to keep all of my out of town friends and family updated on our lives. I'll be able to post pictures and write about what silly little things my kids are doing now. So from this point on I'll try to come on here every day or so to keep it updated. I mean how hard can it be? Brace yourselves, this could get interesting. lol

Ok, now I'm about to get back to work. T-minus one hour and 2 minutes to go home time!