Sunday, April 14, 2013

Five Years

“See, as much as you want to hold on to the bitter sore memory that someone has left this world, you are still in it” 
~Jodi Picoult, My Sister's Keeper

 Me and Mom, circa 1982

Five years ago today I lost my mom. Since then I haven't truly felt like myself, like I lost a piece of myself that day. I watched my closest confidant, my biggest supporter, and the best mom in the world slip away from me as she took her last breath.

My son was there with me that day. He was just a few weeks shy of three years old and I'd brought him to say good-bye to his grandma. She'd been unconscious for the week leading up to the end that we knew was coming. Within minutes of Reagan's last hug and kiss, I watched her breathing slow and eventually stop. To be honest, a lot of my memories of what happened next have faded. But the emotions of those moments are not lost. In fact, as I sit here typing this, they've flooded back as if it were just yesterday. After five years, you'd think the pain wouldn't feel so fresh. But it hurts. oh, how it hurts.

I miss her so much. I think of how much she's missed out on. What my family has missed out on by not having her around. She would be in LOVE with her grand kids, she was fantastic with them, she lived for them. For her family. She's had a new grandchild since, and one more on the way. I feel for my sisters' children, and future children, for they will never know their grandma Kelly. My own kids do not have memories of her, they were too young. But they have photos and stories that tell of her love for them. We keep her memory alive by talking about her all the time. They know things about her like: grandma's favorite things, what she enjoyed doing, what she would have done in a certain situation, or just talking about my own memories of her.

I can only hope that she'd be proud of me and of the choices I've made since she passed. I try to live the way I know she would have done. To be a fraction of the woman she was would be a miracle to me. I don't know how she managed to be the way she was, I have nowhere near the struggles she faced, and can barely manage to survive. She was a single mom who was hard working, caring for every single human being she ever met, and the life of any party. She never let things get her down, or at least never let it show when they did. I admired her so much, and never really got the chance to let her know it.

As the years go on I will continue to miss her, and even though it hurts to relive that painful day, I can only hope that the feelings remain. When it no longer hurts, then it means I've lost her for good.

Friday, May 28, 2010


Originally uploaded by candice_windom
One more of my cutie daughter. I love her so much!

Rockstar Fia

Rockstar Fia
Originally uploaded by candice_windom
My cute daughter acting silly!

Sunday, October 4, 2009

Closet Organizers Suck

Way too complicated for my head today. Information overload.

Thursday, October 1, 2009

364 Days Til the Big 3-OH!

Happy Birthday to Me! Happy Birthday to Me!

So I turned 29 today. Doesn't feel much different than 28 or 27 for that matter. Now there's just that impending 30th birthday to look forward to, which is rather ominous. But I can deal. They say 30's the new 20 right? Or something like that anyway.

Today's been off to a good start. Got up and did the normal routine (with no mention of a birthday I might add...sniff!) but when I got to work my cubicle had been decorated with streamers and balloons. That was nice.

Then I logged in to my email and there were messages from family, friends and co-workers. I think that in a 5 minute span of time I had over 35 emails come in. It just goes to show how popular I am. Of course.

Here's one from my sis:
Speaking of my sis...My sisters and I went to Seattle last weekend. Kind of in honor of my birthday, but really we just wanted to see Wicked at the Paramount and we decided to make it into a 2 day junket. We did a little bit of shopping. Little bit of eating and of course a little bit of drinking. Nothing too drastic. Just drinks with dinner (at Red Robin!) then before the show we stopped into a bar near the theater that was serving "Wicked-tinis" so we tried them. They were pretty good. I got to meet up with some great friends while I was there. If ONLY I could have spent a couple extra days, but alas I had to come home to my babies.

By the way? Wicked was....wicked! Wickedly awesome that is! I highly recommend it to you if you get the chance to see it. In honor of how totally cool it was, today's post is written in green. If you know the story, you'll understand. If you aren't familiar...get there! ASAP.

But back to the day at hand. I don't really know what the evening has in store for me. Tim is pretending not to care. "oh I totally forgot" he says in a faked shocked voice. So we'll see.

I did get flowers though! No. Not from Tim...that would have been too easy. From my good friend Rebecca. You remember her right? If not, read this. I love her for it, well I love her anyway. But... They were beautiful of course.

I have to get back to work folks. I know it's been a long time, and I'm aching to catch up too. But I should really be working. Once my internet is installed this weekend at the new place I PROMISE to write a blog-worthy post. What? I didn't tell you? We bought a condo! Surprise! More on that later. In the mean time, TA TA!

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

She Would Be 49 Today

Happy Birthday Mom!

I miss her so much.

Saturday, September 26, 2009

Nap Time

She fell asleep in the car. Exactly like this. Isn't she funny? I love my goofy princess.