I Don't See the Silver Lining Here

"Sometimes when people are under stress, they hate to think, and it's the time when they most need to think." ~ Bill Clinton

I am currently finding the above statement to be true. I am currently so stressed that I literally am having a hard time thinking, yet in my current situation that is not going to be of any help at all. Let me explain:

It has finally gotten quiet in my small apartment, for this is the 5th consecutive night in a row that my son has thrown a hissy fit (and that is being generous) over one thing or another. If it's not about bedtime, it's about the choice in bedtime stories or his pajamas not being the right pair. And it's not just whining...it's full blown screaming, kicking, crying, and....punching. Not really sure where he learned that one, and I don't like it one bit. For the last several nights he has fallen asleep between 10 and 11, more than two hours past his usual bedtime. Which leads to the newest addition to our good times - this morning he didn't want to wake up and get dressed because he wanted to sleep (vicious cycle!). When we insisted that it was time to GO, he refused to pick out his own clothes, so we did it for him. He wasn't having that so he threw another tantrum. He ended up being carried to the car in his shirt, socks, and underwear because he refused the pants we chose (and I was NOT going to play musical pants) then he also decided he didn't want to go anywhere (he wanted to stay home alone) so he refused his coat as well. So I put his jacket, pants and shoes in the backpack and hauled his little behind to the car.

Yes. It was a long drive to the babysitter this morning. The kicker? Tim called to check in on him this afternoon and he found out that immediately after I left Reagan had put his pants and shoes on as if nothing was wrong as he sat down to breakfast (oh! where is the justice?!).

On the way home tonight I stopped at the grocery store to pick up a couple dinner ingredients. Since it was a quick stop, Tim stayed in the car with the kids while I ran in. Reagan wasn't happy with that because he wanted to go into the store too. When I returned less than 5 minutes later, Reagan and Tim were out of the car, poor Fia was patiently watching from her booster seat as Tim lectured Reagan on how to behave. Well at that point we had to actually put him in the car to get home. Yah, that was fun. Let me just say "thank goodness for child safety locks".

Reagan spent most of the evening in his room until he decided he wanted dinner (which I really tried to withhold for bad behavior, but I have a such a hard time doing when he says he's hungry...I always cave on this threat when it's been used). Also, he has NO TV or favorite toys, this is something I won't budge on....however I'm not sure it's working because as I said, it's been 5 nights now. By the way, he hasn't seen a transformer in almost a whole week. Most of the evening went ok after he stopped crying, he even went to bed with no arguments...yet all good things must come to an end, right? Tim went in to tell the kids to stop talking and go to sleep around 9, the tantrum picked up where he'd left off.

I have to say, I am exhausted. It literally drains me to the point of exhaustion. I end up getting so mad that I spank him, which is a futile effort. And then I have to leave the room because I am getting so angry that I am afraid I'll spank him more, and I hate spanking to begin with (I always said I wouldn't do it...but that was before my son hit the "terrible fours" And by the way? He NEVER even went through the "terrible twos" I heard so much about). It is starting to make me sad, and I've also started to question my abilities as a mother. Talking to him doesn't work, yelling doesn't work, reasoning? there is no such thing with a four year old. So what do I do? Is this going to pass? I have no idea, I've heard "it's just a phase" a million times. That may be, but this phase is taking it's toll on me.

We can't even do anything fun as a family because something always triggers his anger. We tried going for a walk last night after dinner and everything was fine, the kids were having fun. But when it was time to turn around (Fia was getting tired and didn't want to walk anymore, and hey! she's heavy.) Reagan freaked out the whole way home.

Tomorrow is my Division picnic, and I'm concerned that my child will throw a fit over something while we're there. Is it strange that my two year old is better behaved than my four year old?

I keep hoping that this stage in his development will end soon. I see glimpses of my sweet, soft spoken, kind hearted little boy, right smack dab in the middle of his emotional tirades. I miss that part of him more than ever right now. I really need him back.

I also need a massage.

The River Walk at Lunch Time

You know a dream is like a river
Ever changing as it flows
And a dreamer's not just a vessel
That must flow where it goes.
~Garth Brooks

It starts with the path.

and Me lookin' fine in my shades.

I walked along the Mendenhall River and daydreamed about not being at work. This view happens to be RIGHT across from the office.

The stairs leading down to the river's edge.

I braved putting my feet in the water, and since this river is glacier runoff I expected icy temperatures. But due to our recent warm weather, the river was surprisingly comfortable!

I sat for a few moments on a grassy spot with my feet in the water. It was nice.

Alas, lunch is only an hour. I must return to the grindstone.

Wowee wow wow!

I am officially using my new laptop tonight! I went out and got myself a wireless router last night so that I can access the internet. And of course, now I’m up and running. Let me tell you, getting used to a laptop is interesting. As I type this out: my hands occasionally glide over the touchpad in the center and then weird things start happening. It’s a little annoying, but I’m getting the hang of things. I am definitely going to enjoy having my own computer though, I’ve already started personalizing it and I’ve downloaded a few apps I know I’ll use. For instance, right now, as I type this, I am using Windows Live Writer to update my blog. How cool is that? I know it’s probably not that interesting to a lot of people, but it’s new to me and I find it awesome!

My goal is to get really good at creating my blog so that I can start some more. I’d like to keep this blog for personal stuff like family, friends and so on. I’d like to start blogging about all kinds of things, and this is good practice. I have a lot to learn!

So, I know this wasn’t a real post, but I will definitely return soon with better stuff. Right now I am so caught up in learning my new computer that it’s taking up a lot of time.

Until next time!

Doctors, who needs 'em? ... I guess me.

For those of you who know me, you know that I was diagnosed in 1999 with Crohn's Disease. For a while it plagued me pretty good. I was sick for a real long time until the situation peaked and I had part of my colon removed and put back together. That surgery was in the spring of 2001 and I've been in a pretty uneventful remission since then. Sure, I've had bouts of pain and have been on some prescribed medicines now and then... but I've been good. I managed to have 2 beautiful kids in the process, which for a while I was thinking I'd never be able to do.

I've been having some brief moments of pain lately. A flare up? I am not real sure. But I'm worried to let it get out of control. I spent months in and out of the hospital when I was first dealing with it and I lost weight uncontrollably, approximately 10lbs every 2 weeks or so. I can't let it get to that point again. I have my kids, my job and my LIFE! to think about. There is no way I can afford to be in a hospital for a few days, let alone months. However, the more I think about the sure fire crash diet, the more I question my thoughts....NO, I kid you. What do you take me for? lol

So what's a girl stranded in little town, AK supposed to do? There are no gastroenterologists for about 600 miles at least. I called the guy I started seeing back in 2000 when I was airlifted to Seattle for the first time. Dr. Schembre is a nice enough guy, he reminds me of a skinny Joe Pesci with a hairy chest. I know this because he usually has his collar unbuttoned down to the 2nd or 3rd and the hair peeps out over the collar or his scrubs. Haha, that's so funny it sounds like I made it up. But I didn't.

But I digress. I called Dr. Schembre's office yesterday to find out what I need to do. I mean do I make arrangements to go see him or try to tough it out until I have to be flown down for surgery again ya know? Well his answering service takes my detailed message and says he'll call me back. And wouldn't you know it? He calls back to my work line while I'm on lunch and doesn't leave a message! Come on Doc! I only knew it was him because who else with a 206 area code is going to call me at work? mmm hmm. So I call his office back to get the scoop. The assistant puts me on hold to check the notes on my file. Here is what she came up with: Dr. Schembre wrote in the file that there are no gastroenterologists in Juneau.

Umm I must be a genius! I figured that out in the 3rd paragraph of todays blog! Amazing, I always knew I was smart, but whoa.

After that revelation I kindly asked the lady to elaborate. She put me back on hold and went to talk to someone. A few minutes later she came back and told me the doctor was with a patient (natch) but passed on the message that I should see my primary care doctor for the course of action I need to take. I'll probably need to make arrangements in the near future to go see Mr. Pesci's doctor twin. Which means I have to go to Seattle soon.

Let me tell you, I'm extremely bummed at the prospect. I mean, leaving Juneau on an airplane for 2 days? For those of you that don't know me that well...I said that sarcastically.

I called my insurance company to find out about reimbursements and such, turns out that they'll pay for my airfare if it's a qualifying medical reason. Cool beans. However, according to the lady I talked to, my reason isn't a qualifier. Yah, they'll cover my office visit and tests, but not the airfare. Because according to her, the tests that they'll do can be done in Juneau. I told her that there are no gastroenterologists here... hey. Didn't we go over this already? I didn't bother arguing with the lady after a couple go-rounds with this information. I figured I'd start with my doc here in town first. I'll deal with insurance stuff when I get to it.

So there it is. This tid bit of Candice gossip has been on my mind for the last few days. Mainly, what am I going to do if this gets worse? I think it freaks Tim out too. He and I got together just after the surgery and I was feeling better. He's never seen me doubled over and unable to eat, think or speak. (ha! in fact, just the opposite) He's heard my stories but doesn't really know yet how bad it gets. He thinks all my problems will be solved by (lol) changing my diet, which helps... but doesn't make it go away.

For those of you who know little to none regarding Crohn's Disease (which is usually about everyone) and want to learn more, check out these websites: http://www.ccfa.org/ or http://www.crohnsonline.com

Well, I must go. I leave you with these words to ponder... I smell bacon. (I really do! And it smells wonderful)