She Really Was The Glue

Where to start? There's a plethora of news to share. Well, news isn't quite the word I'm going for. But information. Things are changing. A storm...is brewing...or something mysterious like that.

First things first. *sips my coffee* How are things? It's been a while, this I know. I really don't have an excuse other than the norm. I'm busy, I'm lazy, well I'm a lot of things and diligent isn't one of them. Sorry 'bout that.

Let me bring you up to speed on things. I have been increasingly unhappy with my current place of employment. I actually quite enjoy my job, or at least I enjoy learning about the industry. My job title is Loan Closer/Processor II, the actual duties of my job are quite mundane. I basically accept loan applications, process them (gather info and run the background/credit check) before sending them to a loan officer for approval/denial. Once an approved app comes back, I create the legal docs and docs for recording etc. Send them to the borrower for their signatures, about 90% of my clients are not in Juneau, I deal with rural Alaska and so their loans are processed via mail. I do a few other tedious tasks throughout the month, but that is the gist of it.

On top of the boring aspect I work in an office of workaholics. My boss and the woman that has seniority over me in my section rarely miss a day of work. My boss will take the occasional mental health day, but the co-worker does not. She got married last year and didn't even take a whole day, just a half day. I mean come on! Oh but her cat died a few months ago and she took two days off... go figure.

Neither of them have kids like I do, in fact they've expressed dislike for children in general. I've heard on more than one occasion: "and that is why I don't have kids" add a seriously disrespectful tone and you've got one offended mother (that'd be me). Due to my children and my own health (among other unforeseen circumstances) I have missed work here and there. Nothing too horrible, but I hate the feeling of missing just one day and coming back to the silent treatment. I'm sorry, but I refuse to sacrifice my own health or the health of ALL my coworkers (like some people. ahem.). I absolutely get so irritated when my above mentioned co-worker comes to work with bronchitis or flu symptoms or other things that she frequently does. This is why we have 5 weeks of leave per year people! jeez.

OK so I'm not a workaholic, that is clear. The other thing that bugs me in the office is the buddy buddy nature of the two people I previously mentioned. My boss and my co-worker. They chat constantly about everything. Not only that, I've learned things about my other co-worker that I shouldn't be aware of. These are things that should be kept between him and our supervisor. But our supervisor shares these details with the other girl who then proceeds to try and gossip about him with me! I put my foot down about this recently and she stopped for a while. But that doesn't mean they have stopped. And it makes me wonder what gets said about me behind my back.

The catty nature of the office is enough to make me miserable. Add in the other few things and I'm downright irritable these days. I finally bit the bullet and looked at other state jobs online last Monday. Turns out there was this one job I am super qualified for and I'll make a tad bit more than I do now, plus there's travel involved which seems exciting. Not to mention I would actually have interaction with the clients! I think that is what I've been missing, I spent soooo many years in customer service that this job was a drastic change. The application period happened to close that same day, so instead of taking time to think about what I was doing...I did it. Now I'm just waiting to hear about an interview. My sources say I am a shoe in, that this department has been waiting for someone like me for a while now.

So we'll see.

On top of all that, I felt a bit unsure about looking for work right now. The reason being is that Tim and I have been considering relocating back to Seattle. It's going to take quite a bit of planning. My worry is that I apply for this job and get it...then we decide "ok! let's do it!" about the move...then I'm leaving the new job high and dry. We have good jobs and family (and a potentially better job in the works!). I really want to be back in Seattle, but at the same time I'm realistic. So even though we want it, well it's on the back burner for now...

Just to push the dream of Seattle a little further down the road we've decided to put an offer on a condo. Tomorrow. Tim's idea is we'll buy this condo and stay in it for a short time building equity while we continue to save for our move then when we sell the condo for what we buy it for, we'll have a bit of moolah for a down payment on the RIGHT place. The problem I keep bringing up is that I want to move like yesterday! lol. Buying a place means at LEAST another year here and realisticly? Probably more. In order to build enough equity, we'd need to stay a substantial amount of time. You know how it goes. I mean we won't be in it forever, the main reason being it's a condo the size of our current apartment. And it's only two bedrooms. We will eventually need to migrate to something with three cuz the kids will be needing their own space one day. So conceivably we could be back in Seattle in about 4-5 years with a pocket full of cash from our sold condo and be prepared to buy the house of our dreams...

You tell me, what do you think of this plan? Yah I know, on paper it seems good. Sounds great! But I miss the friends I have in Seattle, I'm pretty lonely here save for Tim, the kids and some family. I rarely see anyone these days unless it's a holiday.

It's sad but everyone seems to be going their own way these days. My sisters both talk of leaving town like I do and have their own lives. I see them occassionally and talk to them via email mostly because we're too busy to see eachother in person. The aunts keep to themselves with their own families and friends seeing us on certain occasions. And they've all hinted at future endeavors outside of Juneau. It's like when my mom died, so did the rest of the family, or at least the the family time. It's been said before, and now I say it too...she was the glue that held this family together. There are no more game nights, rarely do we get together for birthdays (ok well maybe we do lunch for those), less phone calls...everything just seems so. broken.

I keep waiting for something to change but part of me has been thinking that all these things I talked about are signs from my mom telling me to stay in Juneau for a while. She loved it here. She loved the family. The current state of affairs would probably have her in pieces.

It's a lot like this printer on my desk. I got it from my mom's house when she died. Every once in a while (when it's turned off) it makes a sound like it's trying to start up or do...something. It clicks to life for a few seconds and then it's as if nothing happened. Tim and I joke that it's my mom's spirit trying to come out of her printer to tell us something.

See? Maybe there is such a thing as a sign.

Tell me what you think. Do you believe in signs? Or are you a realist like Tim? He doesn't believe in signs. :)

Nighty Night!

I Don't See the Silver Lining Here

"Sometimes when people are under stress, they hate to think, and it's the time when they most need to think." ~ Bill Clinton

I am currently finding the above statement to be true. I am currently so stressed that I literally am having a hard time thinking, yet in my current situation that is not going to be of any help at all. Let me explain:

It has finally gotten quiet in my small apartment, for this is the 5th consecutive night in a row that my son has thrown a hissy fit (and that is being generous) over one thing or another. If it's not about bedtime, it's about the choice in bedtime stories or his pajamas not being the right pair. And it's not just whining...it's full blown screaming, kicking, crying, and....punching. Not really sure where he learned that one, and I don't like it one bit. For the last several nights he has fallen asleep between 10 and 11, more than two hours past his usual bedtime. Which leads to the newest addition to our good times - this morning he didn't want to wake up and get dressed because he wanted to sleep (vicious cycle!). When we insisted that it was time to GO, he refused to pick out his own clothes, so we did it for him. He wasn't having that so he threw another tantrum. He ended up being carried to the car in his shirt, socks, and underwear because he refused the pants we chose (and I was NOT going to play musical pants) then he also decided he didn't want to go anywhere (he wanted to stay home alone) so he refused his coat as well. So I put his jacket, pants and shoes in the backpack and hauled his little behind to the car.

Yes. It was a long drive to the babysitter this morning. The kicker? Tim called to check in on him this afternoon and he found out that immediately after I left Reagan had put his pants and shoes on as if nothing was wrong as he sat down to breakfast (oh! where is the justice?!).

On the way home tonight I stopped at the grocery store to pick up a couple dinner ingredients. Since it was a quick stop, Tim stayed in the car with the kids while I ran in. Reagan wasn't happy with that because he wanted to go into the store too. When I returned less than 5 minutes later, Reagan and Tim were out of the car, poor Fia was patiently watching from her booster seat as Tim lectured Reagan on how to behave. Well at that point we had to actually put him in the car to get home. Yah, that was fun. Let me just say "thank goodness for child safety locks".

Reagan spent most of the evening in his room until he decided he wanted dinner (which I really tried to withhold for bad behavior, but I have a such a hard time doing when he says he's hungry...I always cave on this threat when it's been used). Also, he has NO TV or favorite toys, this is something I won't budge on....however I'm not sure it's working because as I said, it's been 5 nights now. By the way, he hasn't seen a transformer in almost a whole week. Most of the evening went ok after he stopped crying, he even went to bed with no arguments...yet all good things must come to an end, right? Tim went in to tell the kids to stop talking and go to sleep around 9, the tantrum picked up where he'd left off.

I have to say, I am exhausted. It literally drains me to the point of exhaustion. I end up getting so mad that I spank him, which is a futile effort. And then I have to leave the room because I am getting so angry that I am afraid I'll spank him more, and I hate spanking to begin with (I always said I wouldn't do it...but that was before my son hit the "terrible fours" And by the way? He NEVER even went through the "terrible twos" I heard so much about). It is starting to make me sad, and I've also started to question my abilities as a mother. Talking to him doesn't work, yelling doesn't work, reasoning? there is no such thing with a four year old. So what do I do? Is this going to pass? I have no idea, I've heard "it's just a phase" a million times. That may be, but this phase is taking it's toll on me.

We can't even do anything fun as a family because something always triggers his anger. We tried going for a walk last night after dinner and everything was fine, the kids were having fun. But when it was time to turn around (Fia was getting tired and didn't want to walk anymore, and hey! she's heavy.) Reagan freaked out the whole way home.

Tomorrow is my Division picnic, and I'm concerned that my child will throw a fit over something while we're there. Is it strange that my two year old is better behaved than my four year old?

I keep hoping that this stage in his development will end soon. I see glimpses of my sweet, soft spoken, kind hearted little boy, right smack dab in the middle of his emotional tirades. I miss that part of him more than ever right now. I really need him back.

I also need a massage.