Chocolate toes.

This was quite some time ago...she was one but so cute. Just cleaning out my phone and sharing with the world!

Happy Birthday

"With every friend I love who has been taken into the brown bosom of the earth a part of me has been buried there; but their contribution to my being of happiness, strength and understanding remains to sustain me in an altered world."
- Helen Keller

Today is the birthday of someone very special to me. Kathy Maria Vilandre was as close a friend as I could have, for me she was my second mother. I met her years ago while in middle or high school (I can't determine the year for sure). She was the mother of Ryan, a boy I knew, he dated my best friend Rebecca. Through my friendship with Becca and Ryan I came to know Kathy well. Over the years I remained in contact with Kathy and she was a large part of my life. Kathy was at times, easier to talk to than my own mother about a lot of things. I found myself seeking Kathy's advice many times over the years, long after Rebecca and Ryan's relationship ended. Kathy passed away on June 25, 2008, only a few short months after my mom. The pain was still very fresh from the passing of my mother when one day I got a call from Rebecca (she remained close with Kathy as well) saying that I needed to go to the hospital right away if I wanted to say good bye, because she was dying. The scene in the hospital was eerily similar to the one I'd witnessed in April that year for my mother. Kathy had been fighting cancer for the last year, a short time compared to the battle my mom went through. By the time I reached the hospital, Kathy was unconcious but still breathing. Her family so graciously allowed me to be in the room alone for a few moments so I could talk with her. I broke down and told her how much I loved her, I felt so alone in those moments. How is it fair that both of the women I loved so much could be taken from me in such a short amount of time?
Kathy passed away that same day around 8 pm. I am grateful that I got to say good bye and hold her hand one more time. I miss her so much and think about her often. Every time I am about to make any decision, I think of what Kathy would have said to me. It's comforting to know that she is no longer in pain, but I miss her.
Happy Birthday Kathy. I love you and miss you terribly.

Quick Fun

I’m in the need for a quick and simple post today. I’m the only one at work today (besides my boss) so I'm swamped, but want to make sure that I get something published just in case my week gets away from me. I was taking a gander at other people’s blogs earlier today and ran across Tiffany’s post from last week. I’ve decided to copy her idea but only this once because I’m not sure I can commit to it weekly, and also it’s Monday, not Thursday. Apparently every Thursday Tiffany calls her post Thursday’s with Tiffani (a different Tiffani) and she jots down what she’s thankful for, listening to, what’s for dinner….well read on to see what I mean.

I am Thankful for... My Timmy. Without him I don’t think my head would stay on straight. He’s also pretty patient with me whilst (I felt like sounding Shakespearean) I get my finances in order (so we can finally get married!!). He is also a great daddy and a loving partner. I would be a pretty lonely person without him, so today I am feeling extremely grateful to have him in my life. If you are reading this, I love you babe.

I'm listening to... Bleeding Love by Leona Lewis. She has an amazing voice and makes beautiful music.

I'm looking forward to... the snow finally melting. Reagan keeps bugging me to go to the beach. The other day I told him that we won’t go until all the snow is gone, but he has asked me EVERY day since. I don’t think he grasps the whole “time” thing. It’s getting close though! All weekend was gorgeous! We even went to the park at Twin Lakes on Sunday, what fun!

What's for Dinner Tonight... I have no idea!! It's Monday, which means One Tree Hill night with my sisters. Every week they come over for dinner and watch the show with Timmy and me. It's fun, but as for dinner tonight I am clueless. Better send them an email to get it figured out!

Missing.... Kathy Vilandre. It's her birthday today and it makes me think of her more than normal. And, well, I’m still missing my mom pretty good, but since the other day I haven’t been emotional about it. That’s a good thing because I was getting tired of making myself cry every two minutes!

On a side note…my office rocks my socks! We have a monthly luncheon and it always has a theme with optional costumes and of course games. Last Friday was our April Luncheon and it was a blast from the past. In honor of the 80s I made Hamburger Helper (Cheesburger Macaroni). Here is a picture below of two silly co-workers dressed up 80s style. I didn’t get a costume in time to dress up, which bummed me out at first, but I’m resourceful. I’m happy to report that 15 minutes before lunch I ran into the ladies room, pulled my hair into a side pony tail and applied blue eye shadow up to my brows, race tracks on my cheekbones (quite David Bowie of me) and some bright pink lip gloss (not the same as lipstick, but hey!). I also managed to stuff some paper towels in place of shoulder pads to get the same effect, as well as taper my own jeans with paper clips! It was a pretty ghetto costume, but everyone got a kick out of it. Sorry, no pictures of the actual costume, but thank goodness for the mobile blogger! I was able to send a headshot for you to see. Enjoy.

Me. Trying to look fierce 80s style, sorry, the side pony tail bugged me.

Krista and Darcy! Awesome co-workers

Testing

Testing out the new mobile Blogger.
Now I can text and post pics on the go! How convenient, I must say.

hmm. What's that in the background? Work? I think not.

After figuring all this out I have figured that the mobile version is good for a quick blurb on the go or uploading mobile pictures. However, for a layout tweaks or to have multiple pics I still need to login on the computer and play around with it. Well back to the grindstone, only 20 more minutes til I see my babies!
yay me!

One year ago today...or yesterday. Look at the time!

If I think about her too much, I cry. Unfortunately for me, today is one of those days where I can do nothing but think about her. Whether I am picturing her last moments, or 15 years ago, doesn’t seem to matter. Earlier today was harder than now in this moment. My day is almost over, and it’s been…a…good…day. Was that convincing? Eh.

But really it wasn’t so bad.

My sisters and I took some time off from work to visit my mom at her favorite place. It’s the same cove in which we spread her ashes not too long ago. We picked up her favorite picnic food and some flowers before we headed out to our, now, sacred spot. We chatted and reminisced about our mother, ate our deli takeout and each wrote a note to our mom. Before we left we put our notes into a bottle, and with the tulips walked to the waters edge. The day was beautiful, full of sun, almost as if our mother was with us down on the beach. Every time I felt the breeze shift my hair, I felt my mom’s presence. We placed the flowers and bottle in the water and watched them bob around on the surface of the tide. It was beautiful, and somehow peaceful. On a whim we decided that our mom could probably really go for a jojo, so we tossed one into the water for her.

After visiting the beach with my sisters, the tears have subsided. I’ve spent the evening with my children and their daddy. These three are my happiness. Nothing in this world can make me feel better than them. Tim knows what to say or how to say it so that I feel better. And of course, just looking and listening to my children does wonders for my mood.

I want to share an excerpt from the journal I started not long after she passed away. This entry was written on April 21, 2008. She died April 14, 2008. This excerpt is from the chapter I called MY MOTHER, it isn’t the whole piece, but I think it is my mom in a nutshell:

My mom was wonderful. She was strong willed and stubborn at times, supportive and loving.Her love for her family and children was unwavering. We could mess up a million times over and she’d love us as much as the day we were born.

When I was in middle school my mom decided to go back to school to earn her degree. She enrolled in the local university when she was in her late twenties. She would work and when she wasn’t working, she was studying or taking care of the three of us. Times were tough, once our dad was gone we were left with my mom’s part time income and some other meager student assistance from the student loans. Yet as long as I can remember, we NEVER went without. My mom always made sure we were taken care of. Christmas and birthdays were always big events in our house. You’d never realize to look upon us in those moments how poor we truly were. We somehow always had “stuff.” Most of the time we either had no car, or one that barely ran but she always managed to get us what ever we may have wanted at the time. And you know? She graduated from UAS after 6 years. Not only did she graduate, but it was magna cum laude, that’s pretty impressive considering the circumstances.

My mother always did so much for others and rarely did enough for herself. She loved Halloween and would organize a haunted house every year for the children in low income neighborhoods, the very same neighborhoods that we lived in for many years. Another example of my mom’s unselfish behavior would be that she would ALWAYS put her children ahead of her own needs. If one of us needed money or help, she was there to give it even though her phone would get shut off if she did.

So that was just a tid bit about my mom, it's not a lot but it says a lot don't you think? I miss that woman with all my heart and soul. Not a day goes by that I don't think of her, and people say that it will get easier to deal with the loss. It's been a year now, but the pain is still so fresh and the images of her lying in that damn hospital bed, motionless except for the faint ups and downs of her chest, are right there in my memory as if it were yesterday. I'm not real sure when this "easy" thing will kick in, but I sure hope it hurries up!

I love you mom.

Well. Here we are again....

Family quarrels are bitter things.
They don't go by any rules.
They're not like aches or wounds;
they're more like splits in the skin that won't heal ...

~F. Scott Fitzgerald

Gosh! I am so frustrated right now. I'm caught between feeling guilty and also feeling upset. Earlier today my family and I were sending emails to each other to discuss the Easter holiday. We were having a hard time coming up with the egg hunt location (Juneau's weather isn't great and we need a plan B in case the weather is crummy) somehow things got misconstrued in the course of the email chain. Everyone seemed to misunderstand everyone else and I decided to voice my opinion in the matter. I basically accused my family of being petty and told them I'd had enough of it and they need to get along or else.
Well it turns out I jumped to conclusions, vented my frustrations when they weren't necessarily warranted, and have now ostracized the family from myself. I've hurt people's feelings, and even though I've apologized, I still feel bad about it.
I've yet to get a response from my apology from anyone. The person who's feelings got hurt or any of the "innocent" bystanders for that matter. Either they are too hurt to respond, or they're too busy. I'm crossing my fingers for the latter.
The thing is that I slightly feel that what I said had some merit. I sent an apology to everyone involved, as well as a separate one to the family member that was most upset. I voiced my point of view on a few things, and gave her the reason I felt the need to say anything at all about the situation. And whether she sees it my way or not, shouldn't matter. Aren't we all entitled to our feelings and opinions? I cannot apologize for telling her the truth. I can apologize for jumping on the family for something that was uncalled for. But the fuel for the fire, so to speak was there, it was the reason I read into the email incorrectly in the first place.
I am extremely frustrated with myself for jumping the gun. I love my family very much, and while most of the time we don't see eye to eye on things, I would never hurt them intentionally. And so now I am torn between feeling guilty for said situation and also feeling a bit insulted that by venting my frustration I've isolated myself, leading me to believe that I should keep my opinions to myself. Either way, it's not a very uplifting note.
No matter which way you slice it, I've done something I can't take back. I hope a few of them read this, so that they understand that what I say may hurt their feelings, but it doesn't take away from the fact that THEY are the most important beings in my life, aside from my babies of course. My family is all I have, I would do anything for them, and I would venture to guess it would be reciprocated. I hope that if a certain person reads this, they understand that even though they don't see in themselves what I meant, it is truly how I feel and I would hope they will try and see it from my point of view as well.
I would also like to add that I hope this person will TALK to me. I'd rather not "sweep it under the rug" or let it blow over. I'd also rather not get my information from third parties. If you have something you want to say, please TALK to me. If you feel my feelings are unwarranted, I'd like to hear it. Families need to communicate, we shouldn't run to the the next person and talk behind each other's backs, if we can't do that, then where do we stand? It also won't resolve anything by acting that way.
Well, ok. I've said my piece as much as I can. In email, on my blog, I'll be trying to talk in person a bit later. If none of this works, I give up.

"Only where children gather is there any real chance of fun." ~Mignon McLaughlin, Journalist

As I sit here, my cup of coffee in hand with the TV tuned into FUSE # 1 Hits to rock out to, and the kids are in bed. I finally have a moment to get online. *sigh* I tend to do most of my web browsing via my cell phone these last few days and it makes for minimal contact, so I've been itching to come here. I realize I am getting out of the habit of writing, so I am back to give you a dose of Candice Ultra Lite. So as Lady Gaga blasts her Poker Face on my television, I'll get started.

The other night was fun. My kids and I played a bit of dress up. Sofia wanted to be a princess and Reagan joined in asking to be one too. We compromised and he was a prince. I made them crowns out of pipe cleaners and tied a ribbon to Fia's. Sofia has a pink tutu, so she put it on with her pink princess gloves. She was so happy to be dressing up, it was adorable.

Reagan put on his Halloween costume, or at least part of it. He was Batman last year, so the cape worked nicely in a pinch. He also chose to wear the Bat Belt, or whatever it's called. They wanted me to dress up with them, so I put a sarong over my head and they dubbed me the Royal Mommy.

The three of us played around for an hour or so and at one point Reagan changed from PRINCE REAGAN to the Prince of Darkness. He put on his Batman mask and decided that was much better than his sister's game.

Before too long it was time to get ready for bed. The kids were bummed to end their playtime with mommy (I am after all, a lot of fun) and went to sleep with the promises in their little heads that it would happen again soon (in my delusional mindset I actually considered playing dress up again NEXT weekend).

I was awoken the next morning promptly at 6am by my two beautiful children, costumes in hand, asking to play with mommy. Gotta love being a mom.

Announcing the Royal Brother & Sister

From Left to Right: Prince Reagan, Royal Mommy and Princess Fia

Batman of course

She was twirling like a ballerina