Wednesday, April 15, 2009

One year ago today...or yesterday. Look at the time!

If I think about her too much, I cry. Unfortunately for me, today is one of those days where I can do nothing but think about her. Whether I am picturing her last moments, or 15 years ago, doesn’t seem to matter. Earlier today was harder than now in this moment. My day is almost over, and it’s been…a…good…day. Was that convincing? Eh.

But really it wasn’t so bad.

My sisters and I took some time off from work to visit my mom at her favorite place. It’s the same cove in which we spread her ashes not too long ago. We picked up her favorite picnic food and some flowers before we headed out to our, now, sacred spot. We chatted and reminisced about our mother, ate our deli takeout and each wrote a note to our mom. Before we left we put our notes into a bottle, and with the tulips walked to the waters edge. The day was beautiful, full of sun, almost as if our mother was with us down on the beach. Every time I felt the breeze shift my hair, I felt my mom’s presence. We placed the flowers and bottle in the water and watched them bob around on the surface of the tide. It was beautiful, and somehow peaceful. On a whim we decided that our mom could probably really go for a jojo, so we tossed one into the water for her.

After visiting the beach with my sisters, the tears have subsided. I’ve spent the evening with my children and their daddy. These three are my happiness. Nothing in this world can make me feel better than them. Tim knows what to say or how to say it so that I feel better. And of course, just looking and listening to my children does wonders for my mood.

I want to share an excerpt from the journal I started not long after she passed away. This entry was written on April 21, 2008. She died April 14, 2008. This excerpt is from the chapter I called MY MOTHER, it isn’t the whole piece, but I think it is my mom in a nutshell:

My mom was wonderful. She was strong willed and stubborn at times, supportive and loving.Her love for her family and children was unwavering. We could mess up a million times over and she’d love us as much as the day we were born.

When I was in middle school my mom decided to go back to school to earn her degree. She enrolled in the local university when she was in her late twenties. She would work and when she wasn’t working, she was studying or taking care of the three of us. Times were tough, once our dad was gone we were left with my mom’s part time income and some other meager student assistance from the student loans. Yet as long as I can remember, we NEVER went without. My mom always made sure we were taken care of. Christmas and birthdays were always big events in our house. You’d never realize to look upon us in those moments how poor we truly were. We somehow always had “stuff.” Most of the time we either had no car, or one that barely ran but she always managed to get us what ever we may have wanted at the time. And you know? She graduated from UAS after 6 years. Not only did she graduate, but it was magna cum laude, that’s pretty impressive considering the circumstances.

My mother always did so much for others and rarely did enough for herself. She loved Halloween and would organize a haunted house every year for the children in low income neighborhoods, the very same neighborhoods that we lived in for many years. Another example of my mom’s unselfish behavior would be that she would ALWAYS put her children ahead of her own needs. If one of us needed money or help, she was there to give it even though her phone would get shut off if she did.

So that was just a tid bit about my mom, it's not a lot but it says a lot don't you think? I miss that woman with all my heart and soul. Not a day goes by that I don't think of her, and people say that it will get easier to deal with the loss. It's been a year now, but the pain is still so fresh and the images of her lying in that damn hospital bed, motionless except for the faint ups and downs of her chest, are right there in my memory as if it were yesterday. I'm not real sure when this "easy" thing will kick in, but I sure hope it hurries up!

I love you mom.

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