She Really Was The Glue

Where to start? There's a plethora of news to share. Well, news isn't quite the word I'm going for. But information. Things are changing. A storm...is brewing...or something mysterious like that.

First things first. *sips my coffee* How are things? It's been a while, this I know. I really don't have an excuse other than the norm. I'm busy, I'm lazy, well I'm a lot of things and diligent isn't one of them. Sorry 'bout that.

Let me bring you up to speed on things. I have been increasingly unhappy with my current place of employment. I actually quite enjoy my job, or at least I enjoy learning about the industry. My job title is Loan Closer/Processor II, the actual duties of my job are quite mundane. I basically accept loan applications, process them (gather info and run the background/credit check) before sending them to a loan officer for approval/denial. Once an approved app comes back, I create the legal docs and docs for recording etc. Send them to the borrower for their signatures, about 90% of my clients are not in Juneau, I deal with rural Alaska and so their loans are processed via mail. I do a few other tedious tasks throughout the month, but that is the gist of it.

On top of the boring aspect I work in an office of workaholics. My boss and the woman that has seniority over me in my section rarely miss a day of work. My boss will take the occasional mental health day, but the co-worker does not. She got married last year and didn't even take a whole day, just a half day. I mean come on! Oh but her cat died a few months ago and she took two days off... go figure.

Neither of them have kids like I do, in fact they've expressed dislike for children in general. I've heard on more than one occasion: "and that is why I don't have kids" add a seriously disrespectful tone and you've got one offended mother (that'd be me). Due to my children and my own health (among other unforeseen circumstances) I have missed work here and there. Nothing too horrible, but I hate the feeling of missing just one day and coming back to the silent treatment. I'm sorry, but I refuse to sacrifice my own health or the health of ALL my coworkers (like some people. ahem.). I absolutely get so irritated when my above mentioned co-worker comes to work with bronchitis or flu symptoms or other things that she frequently does. This is why we have 5 weeks of leave per year people! jeez.

OK so I'm not a workaholic, that is clear. The other thing that bugs me in the office is the buddy buddy nature of the two people I previously mentioned. My boss and my co-worker. They chat constantly about everything. Not only that, I've learned things about my other co-worker that I shouldn't be aware of. These are things that should be kept between him and our supervisor. But our supervisor shares these details with the other girl who then proceeds to try and gossip about him with me! I put my foot down about this recently and she stopped for a while. But that doesn't mean they have stopped. And it makes me wonder what gets said about me behind my back.

The catty nature of the office is enough to make me miserable. Add in the other few things and I'm downright irritable these days. I finally bit the bullet and looked at other state jobs online last Monday. Turns out there was this one job I am super qualified for and I'll make a tad bit more than I do now, plus there's travel involved which seems exciting. Not to mention I would actually have interaction with the clients! I think that is what I've been missing, I spent soooo many years in customer service that this job was a drastic change. The application period happened to close that same day, so instead of taking time to think about what I was doing...I did it. Now I'm just waiting to hear about an interview. My sources say I am a shoe in, that this department has been waiting for someone like me for a while now.

So we'll see.

On top of all that, I felt a bit unsure about looking for work right now. The reason being is that Tim and I have been considering relocating back to Seattle. It's going to take quite a bit of planning. My worry is that I apply for this job and get it...then we decide "ok! let's do it!" about the move...then I'm leaving the new job high and dry. We have good jobs and family (and a potentially better job in the works!). I really want to be back in Seattle, but at the same time I'm realistic. So even though we want it, well it's on the back burner for now...

Just to push the dream of Seattle a little further down the road we've decided to put an offer on a condo. Tomorrow. Tim's idea is we'll buy this condo and stay in it for a short time building equity while we continue to save for our move then when we sell the condo for what we buy it for, we'll have a bit of moolah for a down payment on the RIGHT place. The problem I keep bringing up is that I want to move like yesterday! lol. Buying a place means at LEAST another year here and realisticly? Probably more. In order to build enough equity, we'd need to stay a substantial amount of time. You know how it goes. I mean we won't be in it forever, the main reason being it's a condo the size of our current apartment. And it's only two bedrooms. We will eventually need to migrate to something with three cuz the kids will be needing their own space one day. So conceivably we could be back in Seattle in about 4-5 years with a pocket full of cash from our sold condo and be prepared to buy the house of our dreams...

You tell me, what do you think of this plan? Yah I know, on paper it seems good. Sounds great! But I miss the friends I have in Seattle, I'm pretty lonely here save for Tim, the kids and some family. I rarely see anyone these days unless it's a holiday.

It's sad but everyone seems to be going their own way these days. My sisters both talk of leaving town like I do and have their own lives. I see them occassionally and talk to them via email mostly because we're too busy to see eachother in person. The aunts keep to themselves with their own families and friends seeing us on certain occasions. And they've all hinted at future endeavors outside of Juneau. It's like when my mom died, so did the rest of the family, or at least the the family time. It's been said before, and now I say it too...she was the glue that held this family together. There are no more game nights, rarely do we get together for birthdays (ok well maybe we do lunch for those), less phone calls...everything just seems so. broken.

I keep waiting for something to change but part of me has been thinking that all these things I talked about are signs from my mom telling me to stay in Juneau for a while. She loved it here. She loved the family. The current state of affairs would probably have her in pieces.

It's a lot like this printer on my desk. I got it from my mom's house when she died. Every once in a while (when it's turned off) it makes a sound like it's trying to start up or do...something. It clicks to life for a few seconds and then it's as if nothing happened. Tim and I joke that it's my mom's spirit trying to come out of her printer to tell us something.

See? Maybe there is such a thing as a sign.

Tell me what you think. Do you believe in signs? Or are you a realist like Tim? He doesn't believe in signs. :)

Nighty Night!

This is for you Claire.....

Well here it is. It's only my 3rd posting and I've come up with writers block. I can think of nothing to inspire me. I am bored. But don't worry your pretty little heads. I have searched the web for ideas to blog about. I've come up with a solution for today's entry.

You see, lately I've been feeling a little blue. You might call it the winter blues, seasonal depression or whatever. I call it "THIS SUCKS." It's only January and I'm sick of this place. I am ready to go, vamoose, scat, get outta here! Or rightly, I'm sick of this weather. It's bringing me down. I'm tired of wet feet, cold hands and chapped lips. The other day the snow turned into snain (that's what I like to call the lovely mixture of snow and rain falling outside my window).

This is my driveway, or anywhere else you look for that matter.

I'm realistic, there's no way that I could pack up and leave. Or could I? Would it be prudent of me to leave hastily? No. But that doesn't mean I can't think about it. Besides, it could happen in the future. As of this moment, if I had my way, the not so distant future.

I got a bit spoiled living in Seattle. The winters there weren't great by any means. But they weren't this endless down pour of snow. It didn't snow for days on end and then stop, make you think it was over just so 6 days later you can be depressed on your way to work (already depressing enough) because it's SNOWING once again. You might be thinking, "don't you live in Alaska? Isn't this to be expected? What's wrong with you? Snow is beautiful. If you don't like it, why'd you come back in the first place?" All good questions. I'll answer them.

1. Yes. I live in Alaska.
2. Yes. It is to be expected.
3. Um what's wrong with me? What's wrong with you? Snow is pretty when you haven't seen it in 6 months and all of a sudden there is a light dusting of it on a fall morning. Snow loses its beauty quality after the 2nd month in a row without much stopping. When you have to consistently shovel and snow blow your way out your front door. When all you see are crazy traffic accidents because people forget how to drive when the weather changes. And then when snow turns to snain, and it's not even close to spring yet, so you know it's not over. That is why snow is NOT beautiful (to me, of course)
4. Well, I don't like it. Never really did as a youth. But I didn't have much choice, seeing as how my mom pretty much chose where we lived. I left as soon as I could. Came home from time to time, it is HOME after all. Came home last time to be around my dying mom, not really knowing how long I'd stay this time. Now she's gone, but I still have 2 kids. I have to be a grown up. Which means my moving once a year stage needs to end. For now.

All this aside, I have compiled a list of PROS and CONS for Juneau vs. my 2nd (and greatly missed) home of Seattle.

JUNEAU

PRO. My family. It's huge. We're close. I love them. Without them I'd be lonely. Save for Tim and the kids, these people are my everything. And they're ALL (but a few) here.

CON. Weather sucks ass. See the above commentary.

PRO. I LOVE my job. For the first time since my summer job (I was 19) in the tourism guide business (and that can't possibly count as a job) I actually enjoy what I do. I like my co-workers, my office rocks and I get paid well. Also, because it's a government job the benefits aren't that bad. Plus I'm getting loads of experience in the lending business. (Hello! future jobs! or at least once the mortgage industry isn't in dire straights)

CON. No shopping. At all. I just got wind of this newest rumor, Payless and Gottchalks are closing. If you are not familiar with the small town of Juneau, all you need to know is that there is a WALMART, Fred Meyer, Gottchalks and Payless. Of course, a few other things here and there, but really, that's close to it.

PRO. Affordable day care. Because my aunt watches my 2 kids for half what I would pay in Seattle or any other day care in Juneau.

CON. Juneau is expensive. Nuff said.

PRO. I get the permanent fund dividend. Alaska is the only state that pays it's residents once a year. It is only once a year, but hey! it's usually over $1000.00, that is, before the economy took a nose dive.

CON. It's hard to travel. No road out, so you can't drive. You can take a ferry or small boat out, but that takes forever. The only real option is by air, and only AK Airlines flies in/out of Juneau so they monopolize the price to do so. A trip just to Seattle is usually over $500.00 round trip.

Umm that sums up my PROS and CONS for Juneau so far it's 50/50, got a little love, a little hate for this place as you can see.

SEATTLE

PRO. Friends. I left a few GREAT friends behind that I can only now communicate through email, MySpace and the phone with. I love them and miss them dearly.

CON. No family. See my PRO comment on the Juneau side of things.

PRO. Inexpensive living. Really, compared to here, it's a schmorgasbord of cheap stuff.

CON. Possibly a crappy new job. There's no guarantee that I'll end up as a loan officer or loan closer in Seattle. Jobs are scarce right now, especially in the lending biz.

PRO. Places to go. Lots to do. Technically is this 2 PROS? I'm not sure, but I lumped it into one for you. There is ultimately a variety of things to do, many of them FREE.

This is a picture of baby Reagan at a fair in Seattle. Just an example of how much fun we had for free. Good times.

CON. No family daycare. Due to CON number 1 for Seattle, there is no family, hence, no cheap daycare. Which means I go back to paying full prices.

PRO. Weather is not too shabby in winter, awesome in the summer. It still rains, but it's tolerable.

CON. umm I'm out of them.

PRO. I can drive away for the weekend, pretty much anywhere I want to go. And airfare can is WAY more affordable from Seattle.

PRO. I LOVE THE CITY!!

So that's that. There's my list. Unfortunately all it did for me was make me miss Seattle more when I realized that staying here is better for me and my family. Purely for economic reasons. But reasons none the less.

Even though Seattle obviously outweighed Juneau in a number of areas, it doesn't mean that I'll be leaving any time soon.

Juneau has it's moments



Whew! Looking at this post, you'd never realize that I couldn't think of anything to write. Google is my friend.