Well. Here we are again....

Family quarrels are bitter things.
They don't go by any rules.
They're not like aches or wounds;
they're more like splits in the skin that won't heal ...

~F. Scott Fitzgerald

Gosh! I am so frustrated right now. I'm caught between feeling guilty and also feeling upset. Earlier today my family and I were sending emails to each other to discuss the Easter holiday. We were having a hard time coming up with the egg hunt location (Juneau's weather isn't great and we need a plan B in case the weather is crummy) somehow things got misconstrued in the course of the email chain. Everyone seemed to misunderstand everyone else and I decided to voice my opinion in the matter. I basically accused my family of being petty and told them I'd had enough of it and they need to get along or else.
Well it turns out I jumped to conclusions, vented my frustrations when they weren't necessarily warranted, and have now ostracized the family from myself. I've hurt people's feelings, and even though I've apologized, I still feel bad about it.
I've yet to get a response from my apology from anyone. The person who's feelings got hurt or any of the "innocent" bystanders for that matter. Either they are too hurt to respond, or they're too busy. I'm crossing my fingers for the latter.
The thing is that I slightly feel that what I said had some merit. I sent an apology to everyone involved, as well as a separate one to the family member that was most upset. I voiced my point of view on a few things, and gave her the reason I felt the need to say anything at all about the situation. And whether she sees it my way or not, shouldn't matter. Aren't we all entitled to our feelings and opinions? I cannot apologize for telling her the truth. I can apologize for jumping on the family for something that was uncalled for. But the fuel for the fire, so to speak was there, it was the reason I read into the email incorrectly in the first place.
I am extremely frustrated with myself for jumping the gun. I love my family very much, and while most of the time we don't see eye to eye on things, I would never hurt them intentionally. And so now I am torn between feeling guilty for said situation and also feeling a bit insulted that by venting my frustration I've isolated myself, leading me to believe that I should keep my opinions to myself. Either way, it's not a very uplifting note.
No matter which way you slice it, I've done something I can't take back. I hope a few of them read this, so that they understand that what I say may hurt their feelings, but it doesn't take away from the fact that THEY are the most important beings in my life, aside from my babies of course. My family is all I have, I would do anything for them, and I would venture to guess it would be reciprocated. I hope that if a certain person reads this, they understand that even though they don't see in themselves what I meant, it is truly how I feel and I would hope they will try and see it from my point of view as well.
I would also like to add that I hope this person will TALK to me. I'd rather not "sweep it under the rug" or let it blow over. I'd also rather not get my information from third parties. If you have something you want to say, please TALK to me. If you feel my feelings are unwarranted, I'd like to hear it. Families need to communicate, we shouldn't run to the the next person and talk behind each other's backs, if we can't do that, then where do we stand? It also won't resolve anything by acting that way.
Well, ok. I've said my piece as much as I can. In email, on my blog, I'll be trying to talk in person a bit later. If none of this works, I give up.

"Only where children gather is there any real chance of fun." ~Mignon McLaughlin, Journalist

As I sit here, my cup of coffee in hand with the TV tuned into FUSE # 1 Hits to rock out to, and the kids are in bed. I finally have a moment to get online. *sigh* I tend to do most of my web browsing via my cell phone these last few days and it makes for minimal contact, so I've been itching to come here. I realize I am getting out of the habit of writing, so I am back to give you a dose of Candice Ultra Lite. So as Lady Gaga blasts her Poker Face on my television, I'll get started.

The other night was fun. My kids and I played a bit of dress up. Sofia wanted to be a princess and Reagan joined in asking to be one too. We compromised and he was a prince. I made them crowns out of pipe cleaners and tied a ribbon to Fia's. Sofia has a pink tutu, so she put it on with her pink princess gloves. She was so happy to be dressing up, it was adorable.

Reagan put on his Halloween costume, or at least part of it. He was Batman last year, so the cape worked nicely in a pinch. He also chose to wear the Bat Belt, or whatever it's called. They wanted me to dress up with them, so I put a sarong over my head and they dubbed me the Royal Mommy.

The three of us played around for an hour or so and at one point Reagan changed from PRINCE REAGAN to the Prince of Darkness. He put on his Batman mask and decided that was much better than his sister's game.

Before too long it was time to get ready for bed. The kids were bummed to end their playtime with mommy (I am after all, a lot of fun) and went to sleep with the promises in their little heads that it would happen again soon (in my delusional mindset I actually considered playing dress up again NEXT weekend).

I was awoken the next morning promptly at 6am by my two beautiful children, costumes in hand, asking to play with mommy. Gotta love being a mom.

Announcing the Royal Brother & Sister

From Left to Right: Prince Reagan, Royal Mommy and Princess Fia

Batman of course

She was twirling like a ballerina

My kids will do it differently

When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us. ~Alexander Graham Bell

I've been thinking a lot about the errors in judgment I've made all through out my life. What? Mistakes, me? I know you must be shocked. It's hard to imagine someone as seemingly perfect as myself making any mistake at all. But I assure you dear reader, they exist. To keep this post under a million words, I will omit anything that happened prior to turning 18. Besides anything that happened before then wouldn't be worth mentioning. Here's a few to get started:

1998:
Mistake #1- Decided to have sex with a high school friend and long time crush the day he left for college.
Mistake #2- Abortion 2.5 months later. Oh and didn't tell the father until much later.

1999:

Mistake #3- Dropped out of college due to depression caused by the aforementioned mistake, used "homesickness" as a cop out.

These really just skim the surface, they are not my only three mistakes ever made, however it gives you an idea. I chose to stop where I did because the more recent stories are prime for future posts. lol But really because it's because I figure that this is a good story to tell.

I hope that I have learned from my mistakes, I feel that I have. There are some (unmentioned) mistakes that I'm still working on, but I take them one day at a time. I can see enough now to look back and think them through rationally and understand that some of the circumstances were beyond my control, or had I made other choices I could have changed the outcome. I now have the knowledge to help my children make empowered decisions. As they say: "My children will do it better than I did."

So the "biggie." I know some of you read this and might be a bit shocked about the "A" word. To be quite truthful I've only told a small handful of close confidants. My own mother til the day she died, had no idea. I never said a word. I was deeply remorseful about the entire situation. I would say it was probably the biggest mistake of my own life. Now, this isn't a political blog, and I do not write to change people's opinions. I am only here to state how it affected me. I am, and always will be, pro-choice. Is it the choice I would make for myself again? No. But I think every woman has the right to choose their own path. Unfortunately for me, I ended up regretting the path I chose, and on this path there is no turning back.

I found out I was pregnant about a week before I was to leave for Seattle. By then the father was long gone. As I mentioned, we did the deed the day he left town... which is the story of my life! lol. I talked it over with my doctor here in town and she gave me the info I needed to know about ALL of my options. She was very helpful and was in no way pursuasive to which direction I should take. Just informative. I found a place in Seattle that would be able to perform the procedure and scheduled it to be done about a month or so after I had started school.

I became very depressed the very day it happened. I had five classes, one 4 hour class every day (Art School). I think I made it to 2, maybe 3 classes a week. The more "difficult" ones, I opted to skip. When I wasn't in class, I was at home locked away in my bedroom (luckily for me one of my roomates dropped out and left me with my own room). If I heard a roomate come home from class or work I would either A: pretend I had just arrived home myself or B: pretend I wasn't home at all and wait til they left before I ventured out.

I cried a lot, I called home EVERY night and basically got kicked out of school. I skipped so many classes that I no longer qualified for my grants and loans because I wasn't maintaining the proper GPA/attendance to earn them. Unless I could pay cash, I would have to leave. The kicker? I had just started to kinda feel normal, had realized I didn't like graphic design and switched to my first love: fashion design. I had even talked to the registrar and actually MADE the changes already... but alas, it wasn't meant to be. I flew home less than a week after learning of my perdikerment.

The source of my pain at the time were a couple of things. One: I felt insanely guilty for not having told the father that I was even pregnant, let alone what I chose to do with that pregnancy. I ended up telling him in a letter just after Christmas break because I just couldn't fathom telling him in person... even though we attended the same parties and gatherings over the holidays. He called me once he had read the letter (I had conveniently sent it to his dorm instead of his Juneau address... you know, so I wouldn't run into him at the store or something) and it turns out he was just ok with me not letting him know. Of course he would have liked to know, but what would he have been able to do out in the midwest when I was in Seattle? In the end he thought it was the choice he preferred, to this day I don't know if he was being honest with me or just trying to appease my hysterics. (As soon as he called I couldn't stop crying for the whole conversation)

And Two: I regretted losing the baby. I regretted not getting to go through the pregnancy and to feel my body changing. Constantly the "what ifs" went through my mind. I made note of when the baby would have been due and for the next couple of years would mentally tick of another year. By the time the baby would have been 4 or 5, I stopped. I still think about it from time to time. Even right after Reagan was born I thought about it quite often for some reason... but it slowly fizzled away to the back of the brain again.

So yeah, I do regret it. With all my heart. Especially now that I know what it's like to hold a precious baby in my arms. That is not to say that every woman will feel this way. So still, I leave it up to each individual to choose their own path. This is something I am going to try very hard to talk to my kids about. I don't agree with the "wait until marriage" concept. I think it is unrealistic in this day and age, and considering my own non-traditional relationship with their father, it would just be hypocritical. I just want to teach my children to be safe and to know they shouldn't be ashamed to talk to their parents, as I was. We are here to help them grow and when they make mistakes along the way I use my own experiences to help guide them to their decision.

I would love to tell my children just don't do it! Don't have sex til you're 30. Even if I say it, it's not going to happen. At least if I educate them and have an open and honest discussion with them about sex and sexuality then maybe my children will make healthier choices for themselves than I made for me. I think the worst mistake a parent can make is to just plainly say "Don't even think about it until you are married" Just don't think about it. Well. That goes against the very nature of a teenager doesn't it? I've never met one that isn't boy-crazy or fawning over the cheerleader (or whatever)... Not only that but our culture is obsessed with it. So to try and stop it from happening without any other explanation other than "it's just wrong, or bad" isn't a very effective method in my opinion. If I just try and ban it from their brains then what can I expect except rebellion?

I know that I have a long time before I need to start discussing the birds and the bees with my little ones, but really the more I think about it, it's not that long at all. Education begins at home, or so I've heard.

I would not change anything I've done. I may regret some things, but I would never actually change the course I've taken to get me to where I am now. I am happier than ever with the two most beautiful babies in my world and their daddy. I have all I need.

A little more meat please...

My last post left me feeling quite empty. I was writing for the sake of filling the void in my blog, and it just felt there was no substance to what I had written and it made me contemplate what I truly wanted out of this blog. As I sit here munching on chocolate covered pretzels, I am still not quite sure what that is yet, but I feel the need to fill the void with some meatier subjects. I thought it was about time that I talked a little more about myself (Don’t worry for those of you who look forward to my plucky comic relief, it’s not going anywhere, and I will upon occasion use silly subjects or updates on the kids when I need a quick posting). So, before you click the mouse to visit the next blog, please hear what I have to say.

Most of you know who I am. And as a person, you know what sorts of things I’ve been through in my life. Or maybe you think you know, but really you aren’t too sure, and never felt the need to press any further for more details. Ok, and just maybe some of you have no idea who I am at all. I’m the kind of person that talks about myself. I’ve never really been closed in emotionally. My childhood was rough at times and even as a young adult wasn't a piece of cake, and I have always been comfortable talking about my problems with anyone that cares to listen. Sometimes I wish that others, especially a few of those closest to me would open up a bit more, one in particular, keeps her emotions bottled up to the point that I think she is going to explode one day. I feel that my comfort level in talking about my past has led me to feel more stable, emotionally speaking. Not 100% stable, but I balance it well.

When my mom passed away last April, I felt myself unraveling, as we slowly started to go through her things (and to this day I still can’t bear the thought of finishing that project, no matter how often my sister reminds me of the task), our goal was to find bits and pieces we wanted to keep of her or share with others at her celebration of life. A few years ago one of my sisters got our mom a journal of sorts, it asked a bunch of questions a lot like, “What was your favorite memory as a child?” My mom actually managed to answer quite a few of them, but it would have been so nice if there was more, especially when I was grasping for something more to hold on to.

Within days of finding this journal and using excerpts from it for her services, I began to ponder what I would leave behind for my own children and other loved ones, should I leave this world sooner than expected. Even if I live to be 100, for that matter, what is it that my children will find comfort in? My art? Maybe. But really most of it was created long before they existed, and while I loved looking at my own mother’s artistic pieces, none of those hit home as much as her own words. So I went to the store and bought a journal. My thoughts are my motivation to fill this journal and maybe more to come after it, with my own words. Let me share with you the first page:

~April 20, 2008~

My earliest memory is a dream I had in which I was sitting next to my Aunt Virginia on a ferry boat. I must have been no older than 3 or 4, and most of the memory is dark with a lot of sepia toned color. I just remember looking up at her and smiling, there is no sound by the way. I don’t know where we are going, all I know is we were going somewhere together. I’d see this image while I slept occasionally, and it was always as if I were looking upon the woman from the child’s perspective. I always knew it was Virginia though. Later as a young adult I found out that she had in fact taken me on a ferry trip to Skagway from Juneau and back again when I was around the age I speculated.

Memories are often great things. They link us to our past, and sometimes they are windows to things we never knew. Occasionally our memories aren’t so great, yet they are apart of us and make us who we are. I’ve chosen to write down my thoughts about my memories for my children, or anyone who chooses to read them. I hope my writings will inspire, enlighten and give knowledge those who read this. These events are told as I remember them, but some of the facts may be inaccurate.

I love my children more than my own life, and if they can learn from me and be better people for it, then I have served my purpose. We all share the same emotions and desires and we all make mistakes from time to time, hopefully we learn from them as they happen. This book is filled with my own mistakes, happy moments, tragedies and really so much more.

Candice

It is now March 2, 2009. Almost a complete year since the first entry of that journal. I am sorry to say that the habit of writing in a book has not exactly set in. I haven’t written much since July. I’ve had a lot going on this last year, and now that the new year is well under way, I’m hoping to make a dent in the journal. My plan is to take an entry from time to time and post them on this blog when I see fit.

There is so much more to me than the aforementioned plucky comic relief and silly posts about men in costume, I’m going to try and let a little bit of “me” shine through. Hopefully, you will find this as rewarding as I do.

My Mom

I miss you every day and love you so much!

If I won the lottery....

Earlier Tim and I were speculating about winning the lottery. I am leaving for Seattle the day after tomorrow and while I'm there I am instructed to buy some lotto tickets. Our conversation quickly turned silly while we discussed the many things we'd do if we won.

Today's blog is just that. What would I do if I won the Mega Millions? Read on, loyal followers, your answers await.

First things first. Pay off ALL my debt. And Tim's too. We'd be able to start over completely from scratch. That alone would be completely awesome.

Next I'd go house hunting. Not condo or small house hunting. I mean "house of my dreams and only in my dreams" hunting. I picture at least 5 bedrooms. Enough to house each child, Tim and myself, a den for Tim and a room for myself to be creative. Of course it has to have a huge kitchen with a pantry, a dining room and formal living room. An extra family room for the "family activities," a large laundry facility and a 2 car garage. Oh! and a walk in closet big enough to be the 6th bedroom. Did you ever watch "Newlyweds" on MTV? Jessica Simpson turned the spare room into the most beautiful closet I'd ever seen. That's what I'd want. A couple bathrooms would be swell too. I also picture turning the basement into a mini recording studio for my Timmy. Now, this dream may seem extravagant, but that's because it's a dream so don't scoff.

Next I'd quit my job. Literally, I'd NEVER WORK AGAIN. I loathe working. If I could, I'd spend the day doing all sorts of fun things. I'd go shopping, maybe hit up a spa, go to the gym, see a sporting event, take my kids to the park, see an exhibit in a museum or go for a long drive. The possibilities are endless.

I'd hire a nanny. I'd love a live in part time nanny that could watch the kids for half the day while I do some of the fun things I mentioned in the previous paragraph. Then I could come home and whisk them away to do awesome mommy/kids things. Once they're in school full time I wouldn't need a nanny anymore, but for now it would be ideal.

SHOPPING for everything. Someone has to stimulate this economy, it might as well be me. I'd have to buy furniture and other accessories for my new house. Plus clothes and toys for the fam dam and myself (of course).

Ooh! I'd buy an eco-friendly vehicle for myself to haul around the brood. I'm thinking one of those hybrid SUVs. Personally I love Lexus and Mercedes, so I'd probably have a 2nd car too, and yeah that probably isn't so eco-friendly to have two. But sometimes it is nice to have another option.

This should have been number two on the list, but it doesn't really matter which order they appear. But I'd plan my wedding. This wedding would be the complete opposite of what I'm currently in the midst of planning, mainly due to the budget. With the exception of my dress and chosen color schemes, I'd plan everything different and to the hilt! I may even consider a destination wedding in some tropical location and buy all my guests the airfare and hotel for their trip there. I'll have to plan on writing a future blog about my wedding plans. I've been hesitant on that because it's somewhat a touchy subject right now. More on that later I promise.

I might consider a 2nd house. The reason is, and you'll understand if you've read my blog before, but I really dislike my current choice in residential locale. Mainly because of the weather. So I'd like to have a summer home here in Juneau and spend the winters in Seattle. This way I can visit my family in the most beautiful season Juneau has to offer and spend the rest of my days in my favorite town.

Speaking of this: I'd travel. EVERYWHERE. And I'd make sure my kids come with me. I'd love to show them places all over the world, and to share that with them would be amazing.

My kids. I want them to have everything I never had. Including a paid for college education and a lovely home. Regardless of it's size, I want a house for them to grow up in.

Ok. Okay, I know this is all over the top. But really all I need is a home, some savings and my family and I'll be as happy as a pea in a pod...or a bug in a rug...or what ever it is that is really happy.

Valentine's Day

It's been far too long since I've written anything here. I am sorry my loyal followers, it is no excuse, but I get so preoccupied that I just plain forget. Today marks the first day of a 3 day weekend, so I'll be able to kick out at least one more post while I'm at home being lazy.

Today is Valentine's Day. Tim and I don't normally go overboard with the celebration of this holiday but we do make a point of doing something. The kids both got Valentine's gifts of the obligatory candy and stuffed animals from all of the relatives, including myself. I did manage to give Reagan a Transformer's card and that pretty much trumped all other gifts, even the candy. So I guess I rock.

Around 3:45 this afternoon Tim and I took the kids to one of my willing relative's house. We were supposed to go see a movie before dinner, but we decided at the very last moment to skip the flick. So I turned off the blinker and kept driving. We didn't know where we were going at the time, but ended up downtown at Silverbow Bagels. We both had a cup of coffee and a cookie while we chatted away. It was reminiscent of the old days (before we had kids) when we used to go into Starbucks and we'd talk or read for 4 hours. I miss those days at times, but life is what you make it, right? Today we didn't stay for 4 hours, but we did stay for a bit.

After leaving the coffee shop we decided to take a walk through town. I'd like to point out that by now it's after 5 and dusk... let me also say that it was extremely cold. We weren't prepared for the nippley walk since we had originally intended on just a movie, so we only made it as far as Hearthside Books. For those of you who don't know, that's only about 2-3 blocks. We went inside to warm up and I ended up buying a new bedtime story for the kids. Even when I'm away from them on a pre-scheduled event, I can't stop thinking of them. Tim and I had an unintended conversation with the overly chatty guy behind the counter, who was obviously lonely due to his clientele all out celebrating their love for one another and NOT buying his books. That killed a teeny bit more time. Due to the chill in the air we didn't want to spend too much time outdoors, so we headed over to the Wharf. This destination was in the original plan, however we weren't supposed to be there this early. Since we skipped the movie, we were having dinner earlier than planned.

On a side note (and Tim insisted I put this in my blog, so I apologize for, how do they say? TMI.): Before going into the restaraunt, we both had to use the restroom, the Wharf must have recently done some remodeling because the men's room door had been replaced with saloon style doors. Stranger still, Tim says that the stalls in the men's room were the same way. He said he was half expecting (his words, not mine) a man with a cell phone camera or John Wayne to kick through the stall door with one foot while he was on the john (pun intended). I thought this bit of information odd, but found myself thankful that the ladie's room was intact with normal doors.

Digression over: We went into a very busy Pizzeria Roma (our favorite date place) and went about the normal dinner routine. My waiter was my sister's high school prom date, I'm sure she'll get a kick out of that. He was the only waiter/cashier on hand. I am assuming on a normal day, this works out just fine. Tonight, and I'm not sure if this was poorly planned or maybe someone didn't show up, but he was very busy. Example: Tim and I wanted refills of our soda and we mentioned it to him when he checked in on us, he told us it would be a minute. Several minutes went by and still no soda...we felt bad for the guy ("guy" seems so impersonal, my sister went on a date with him, so for heaven's sake, let's call him Josh!)..we felt bad for Josh so Tim went downstairs with our cups and asked him if it would be ok to do it ourselves (they have a fountain behind the counter). Safe to say Josh was more than willing. Dinner came and went, by the way, they make killer stuffed mushrooms and a not so killer cannelloni. We chatted some more and held hands like an old married couple, which when you subtract the married part... we kind of are (haha...ahem). When dinner was done we just couldn't think of anything else to do, so as we left the Wharf I called my aunt to let her know we were on our way back already. We had only been out just over 4 hours and missed the kids. We were ready to head home.

Now it is roughly 10pm, our kids are snug in their beds after being read their new story, and Tim and I are contentedly doing our thing at home. I have never been much of a Valentine's Day celebrator, tonight's events are pretty exact replicas of years past. But I have to say that I am extremely content. I got to spend an evening out with the man I love, and I was home tucking in my beautiful kids by their usual bedtime.

I wouldn't trade today for a million roses, a cheesy card and a diamond in my cannelloni. Ok, a cheesy card would be the icing on the cake.

Just your daily dose of wierd...

While browsing the web this weekend, I stumbled upon a site called News of the Wierd. I was bored so I decided to check it out. They have a current column which he updates once a week with wierd and wacky news from around the globe.

His leading story for the week of January 25, 2009 was this:

They're either earnestly civic-minded or people with issues, but in several dozen cities across the country, men (and a few women) dress in homemade superhero costumes and patrol marginal neighborhoods, aiming to deter crime. Phoenix's Green Scorpion and New York City's Terrifica and Orlando's Master Legend and Indianapolis' Mr. Silent are just a few of the 200 gunless, knifeless vigilantes listed on the World Superhero Registry, most presumably with day jobs but who fancy cleaning up the mean streets at night. According to two recent reports (in Rolling Stone and The Times of London), unanticipated gripes by the "Reals," as they call themselves, are boredom from lack of crime and (especially in the summer) itchy spandex outfits. [Rolling Stone, 12-25-08; The Times, 12-28-08]

OK. WTF? Am I right? Was anyone else aware that people actually dress as superheroes on days other than Halloween, or that there was even such a thing as the World Superhero Registry? I wasn't until now, so I decided to check it out. It turns out that they have a minimum criteria you must meet in order to qualify as a superhero. Among those criteria? A costume. Proof of heroic deeds, and if you are unable to provide proof, your profile is listed as "inactive" until proof is otherwise obtained. There's more, but those two are the most important. So it turns out that people actually do dress up in costume and patrol their respective cities looking for evil doers in hopes of foiling their evil master plans. Or at least they hope to interfere with a mugging or something. The registry has "superhero" profiles, some with pictures. One thing I noticed in their rules, revealing your true identity, or secret identity if I put it in superhero "talk," will get you kicked out. So better watch yourselves Superheroes!

Just a few examples of the heroes you'll find:

(These pictures are as you would find them on their public profile at the World Superhero Registry)

Tothian


Queen of Hearts

Or MY personal favorite

Polar Man

I know that to some people this is cool. That's totally ok. I just thought it was wierd and wanted to tell someone.